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I feel like I don't know who I am

Kuro

Hi, I haven't had a clinical diagnosis yet. But I spoke to a new GP who said he thinks there's a strong possibility I have autism (after a chat, and an aq test. Based on his professional, and personal experience). And a lot of puzzle pieces have fallen into place. Obviously I've recently done a lot of research and tried to get my head around all of this. And I agree, autism would answer a lot of questions. (Being diagnosed with autism isn't something I was looking for, I just wondered if there was a deeper cause for the anxiety and depression I've had since I was young).

However, I also completed the cat-q test, and quite frankly, the results have scared me. I'm 42, and have always been the odd one out in any social groups, so being a bit different has always been normal for me, although not very nice at times. I scored 145 in the cat-q test, which is pretty high I believe. I've also recently lost interest in a hobby I've had since I was a teen. It's really made me question who I am. I genuinely didn't realise I masked that much. And now I feel like a fraud, or like my life has been a facade. I don't know who the real me is.

Kinda hoping for some reassurance, and friendly advice I guess. I have literally no one I can talk to about this. I feel the most isolated I ever have been recently. 

Oh, I'm new here, so if this is in the wrong place or anything, just let me know.

  • in reply to Ben

    I hope you can figure it out maybe with help from people here. I already feel less alone having joined the forum and more understood...not many people understand me in RL.

    I think it helps that autism connects us and that's something we all understand in our own way so we can help each other.

    At school there's an autism group that I finally went to...after a lot of reluctance cause of my anxiety lolol and that helped just meeting others who are the same.

    Nice to meet you Ben.

    My names Princess.

  • in reply to Bees

    Bees, to be honest, I don't think I've figured everything out just yet, but I'm certainly a lot further on than when I started.  I rather regret, or resent, the fact that I didn't know years ago, but there's nothing can be done about that now. 

    I hope you find plenty to interest you on the forum.

    Ben

  • in reply to Ben

    This was nice to read I'm glad you know who you are. I'm still figuring myself out.

  • I'm Princess. That's the name I was given but who am I really?? As a person? I actually don't know. Since being diagnosed last year I know why I'm a little strange and different but I still feel confusion as to who I am.

    It's positive reading others experiences and tells me I'm going to figure it out...eventually. I've been told it will get easier with time and that's what I'm waiting for.

  • in reply to Ben

    It’s good to meet you too Ben. It’s the start of a journey.

  • in reply to GPK26

    Hi there Gary, who has always been Gary and will always be Gary.

    Welcome to the club!   I hope that, in time, you get as much from your diagnosis as Andy and I have. It's a gradual process, but after three years I still feel that getting assessed was the best thing I ever did. 

    I am Ben,and will always be Ben.

  • ah we share something in common, i too dont know who you are! lol

    the losing interest in hobbies or things you enjoyed is often a classic depression thing, alot of people will get that one. also its pretty normal to lose interest in things you have exhausted and done time and again.... its no wonder that repeating a thing we have done for years can also make us depressed as it makes us question whats the point and that its same thing different day for entire life.

  • in reply to Ben

    Hi Ben and Andy

    i am Gary. I have always been Gary and will always be Gary.

    However, in these early post diagnosis weeks, I am still trying to figure out exactly who Gary is.

    Gary, as people have known me may ( and probably will) change a bit going forward. Hopefully for the better. 

    Good to meet you both Thumbsup

  • in reply to Amerantin (former member)

    That's fantastic! You are Andy. Just Andy. And that's enough. (I like that line)

    Yes, without the enlightenment that a correct diagnosis or professional assessment brings, we just carry on being who we think we ought to be - like some kind of automaton.   We can't even begin to find fulfillment until we know who we really are and finally drop our mask, and that takes time.

    It's good to meet you.

    Ben

  • in reply to Ben

    “I am Ben”. Been thinking about this for a couple of hours.

    For so long I was the well behaved son, the good student, the work colleague who was cooperative and hard working.

    But now, having learned about myself, I am Andy. And I’m still learning what that means. But it’s not the person who tried so hard to be what other people wanted me to be.

    I am Andy. Just Andy. And that’s enough.

  • in reply to Amerantin (former member)

    Yes, I'm in a similar position to  too (and I'm 50).

  • Kuro, as the previous posters have indicated, there are a whole bunch of us here diagnosed at all ages.

    I was assessed three years ago aged 67.  Like you, I have always been the odd one out, had anxiety etc. and fought battles all my life.... and now it has started to make sense.  It takes a while to get your head around it, but you will. There are many books about late diagnosis which members here will recommend, I suggest you read one or two - I found them really helpful.

    As ancient angst begins to resolve, life should make a little more sense.

    I now, at last, feel that I know who I am.

    I am Ben

  • in reply to Deleted user

    Yes - I was diagnosed in my fifties less than a year ago. Both my children have a diagnosis too. I’m confused about just about everything right now to be honest. Life seems quite hard at the moment for all sorts of reasons, but I always feel that people in this autistic community often understand the ups and downs that my family go through. I feel so much solidarity with the people on here. 

  • Welcome and, as  says, there are a lot of us late diagnosed/self diagnosed on this forum.

    I was diagnosed at 60 just over a year ago.

    There are a lot of threads here so you have the option to use the search function or ask us questions.

    You mention 'advice' - if you could be a little more specific you may get more responses.

    I've been on this forum for just over a year and there is a wealth of information and wisdom available from the members.

    All the best.

  • Hi Kuro,

    A bunch of us on here are recent late diagnosed autists, and believe me, the way you feel is just how we all feel or felt.

    Happy to discuss or give advice if we can!