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I feel like I don't know who I am

Kuro

Hi, I haven't had a clinical diagnosis yet. But I spoke to a new GP who said he thinks there's a strong possibility I have autism (after a chat, and an aq test. Based on his professional, and personal experience). And a lot of puzzle pieces have fallen into place. Obviously I've recently done a lot of research and tried to get my head around all of this. And I agree, autism would answer a lot of questions. (Being diagnosed with autism isn't something I was looking for, I just wondered if there was a deeper cause for the anxiety and depression I've had since I was young).

However, I also completed the cat-q test, and quite frankly, the results have scared me. I'm 42, and have always been the odd one out in any social groups, so being a bit different has always been normal for me, although not very nice at times. I scored 145 in the cat-q test, which is pretty high I believe. I've also recently lost interest in a hobby I've had since I was a teen. It's really made me question who I am. I genuinely didn't realise I masked that much. And now I feel like a fraud, or like my life has been a facade. I don't know who the real me is.

Kinda hoping for some reassurance, and friendly advice I guess. I have literally no one I can talk to about this. I feel the most isolated I ever have been recently. 

Oh, I'm new here, so if this is in the wrong place or anything, just let me know.

Parents

  • Kuro, as the previous posters have indicated, there are a whole bunch of us here diagnosed at all ages.

    I was assessed three years ago aged 67.  Like you, I have always been the odd one out, had anxiety etc. and fought battles all my life.... and now it has started to make sense.  It takes a while to get your head around it, but you will. There are many books about late diagnosis which members here will recommend, I suggest you read one or two - I found them really helpful.

    As ancient angst begins to resolve, life should make a little more sense.

    I now, at last, feel that I know who I am.

    I am Ben

  • in reply to Ben

    “I am Ben”. Been thinking about this for a couple of hours.

    For so long I was the well behaved son, the good student, the work colleague who was cooperative and hard working.

    But now, having learned about myself, I am Andy. And I’m still learning what that means. But it’s not the person who tried so hard to be what other people wanted me to be.

    I am Andy. Just Andy. And that’s enough.

  • in reply to Amerantin (former member)

    That's fantastic! You are Andy. Just Andy. And that's enough. (I like that line)

    Yes, without the enlightenment that a correct diagnosis or professional assessment brings, we just carry on being who we think we ought to be - like some kind of automaton.   We can't even begin to find fulfillment until we know who we really are and finally drop our mask, and that takes time.

    It's good to meet you.

    Ben

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  • in reply to Amerantin (former member)

    That's fantastic! You are Andy. Just Andy. And that's enough. (I like that line)

    Yes, without the enlightenment that a correct diagnosis or professional assessment brings, we just carry on being who we think we ought to be - like some kind of automaton.   We can't even begin to find fulfillment until we know who we really are and finally drop our mask, and that takes time.

    It's good to meet you.

    Ben

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