NT married to partner on the spectrum

Would you really want to see the unmasked, unfiltered output from your husbands brain? Have you ever seen lier lier https://youtube.com/watch?v=IsBB4i4k2PM&t=70

if your husband is visiting your in laws would you want to know if he was thinking your sister is hotter than you? Honesty is something people are less able to accept than they say they are.

Thank you for your replies. I had to search for support groups, since the situation I am in as the NT and surrounded by ND and married to ND just is ... I can't explain it. I just need people who get me, to tell me about their experiences. And I found a podcast "neurodivergent love" and my favorite episodes are in season 2 where they interviewed experts and also the man from "Aspergers from the inside" and Tony Attwood. My approach is to learn, and it might take half a year until I have some confidence in how to trust my partners real persona vs his mask. Learn where the mask begins and ends.

I also ordered the book The autistic millionaire, from that YouTuber who worked at Microsoft all his life undiagnosed. He is so similar to my dad.

Thank you all again, and I will leave this forum now since I found a support group "neurodivergent love" and "healing Cassandra".

Bye

I am in the opposite position to you, an autist married to a NT wife. There are a number of facets of empathy that are, or can be, connected to autism, An autistic person may be unaware of someone else's distress, they may need to be told directly (they have cognitive not affective empathy). An autistic person may be hugely empathetic and be overwhelmed by the distress of someone else and be unable to show their feelings at all. An autistic person can feel empathy, but not know how to show it, or may show their empathy in 'non-standard' ways. 

Speaking for myself, I feel emotional distress in others very keenly, but my response might appear wooden and uncaring. Unless the person in distress was a close friend or relative, I would be unlikely to hug or do a 'there-there" type response. Instead, I would probably try to dissect the problem causing the distress and suggest practical remedies. Though I might seem rather cold, my response is coming from a place of profound empathy.

What I'm trying to express here is that the Autism Spectrum, as I hear you speak of it, sounds like a misrepresentation, unfortunately. And if I were to base my logic on this perspective of what Autism is and isn't, I would reach the wrong conclusion which would create the wrong emotional response. 

Empathy is not Compassion and it is not Sympathy. Empathy, as it's used clinically, is a Relating With another and an understanding. A sociopath WILL understand and also relate with you, they may deceive you into believing they have Sympathy, but what someone chooses to do with the understanding of another is purely driven by their maturity and character based on their Values. 

Perhaps you have a PhD and I am misunderstanding what you are saying.

I personally sympathise with your loneliness and I am sorry you're feeling this way. But I would be careful with clinical terms are they were not created for a public exchange but for medical practitioners. It is not a matter of political correctness but it is important to not judge another on false premises and use that as a form of Power Over another. 

Masking is accidental, all humans do this as a way to feel acceptance. 

There does not exist a whereabouts on the Spectrum. It is a loose term to mean the brain reasons and perceives different from the Neuro-Normative reasoning with lobes responsible for linguistics and semiotics, therefore a different way of communicating and even completely different motives.

Now all this aside, if I were in your position I might weigh my options and either find free therapy or suggest a temporary separation. Both of which I have done when I was younger.

You probably can talk to your husband. You just need to frame it in a particular way.

A few suggestions.

1. Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to. If you ask 'does my bum look big in this' be aware yes is a possible answer.
2. When initiating conversation don't ask 'what are you thinking,' it's too vague and open ended. Ask 'what do you think about X,' instead.
3. Don't lead with 'when you do X it makes me feel bad.' Start with 'I don't understand why you do X. Can you help me understand.'
4. If you talk to him about something that makes you feel bad do expect him to treat it like a problem to be solved.

can't just out a kid on this*** correction: I can't just put a lid on this. (Is what I wanted to write )

I would rather talk about what I am going through because of this discovery. My husband has to decide for himself what he will do or not, but I can't just out a kid on this. This is really shocking for me. That he was living with a mask for years, and when the mask was off it was a plausible thing to believe - that he was stressed or depressed. And since we rarely had or have fights, it is very seldom that I had practical examples of experiencing his non empathic reaction to , well, to me being worried or sad. He won't go and find out exactly where he is on the spectrum but in old terms, he is probably asperger. And no, I have no clue how to speak politically correct or not. 

I still need to talk with someone who can connect emotionally with me. As I have no parent or sibling to help me with that.

Well, I am just looking for emotional support because I am very surprised by not understanding or knowing my husband. We married before this came to surface. And he sometimes is very rude and mean to me when I am sad, and i realize he can't relate to how I am feeling at all. He just thinks I am angry. Obviously he can't see the difference, and it is his neurology not my fault. I just don't know how to cope. I just thought he was going through a depression . 

And I thought my parents just had other issues. But it is clear to me now that they also are on the spectrum. I have absolutely no one to talk to.

Autism has multiple 'meanings' depending on where in the world you live, including a medical understanding and researched brain-type differences. However, we are all emotional humans. What's different is our communication of those emotions. Most Autistics can be incredibly overwhelmed by their emotions or have what's called alexithymia. But One major part of autism is that we are intensely impacted by sensory input, which is everything from external to internal physical and psychological. It also means, until we become a little more mature, we might find the way NeuroTypical individuals communicate as shallow, pointless, unreasonable and therefore cruel. This is not to say this is the case, it's just another perspective. 

Another element that makes us unique is that we use our brains differently to reason, perceive and understand. We are not heavily using our language/semiotics compartments the same way most neurotypical individuals are. And the positive side to this is we just are not easily hypnotised or 'duped' in to advertising, we are naturally more analytical in nature. But - in a partnership, it might create a sense of isolation for one or both parties. 

Now, all individuals regardless of their own blind spots or strengths have the capacity to understand and use fundamental principles of being kind, generous, caring. Extending grace and undergoing the hard emotional work of growing the self. Regardless of affording a therapist, it is always useful to grow ones character and become the best of our personality.

Does your husband also feel the disconnect? Is he willing to negotiate to find a way to bond with you? The important question will be to ask if you have Shared Values. Dig deeper in to ancient wisdom or even values from the early last century. Even starting with the 'four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships'. Simple resources with grounding shared principles can help fix problems that are making things harder than need be. 

er a few clarifications.

When you say 'explore his own autistic spectrum, traits, or blind spots' do you basically mean sitting him down and telling him how his autistic behaviour is basically unacceptable to you and you demand he changes? Because if that's the gist of it I'm unsurprised he's not keen.

NAS79554 said:

I can't afford a therapist says my husband. Or he says that he can't afford one for us, or himself, or me.

I mean I don't know your financial situation but therapy off the NHS is very expensive.

NAS79554 said:

Is this the right or wrong place to ask ?

Well that depends we're still trying to figure out what the question is.