Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I just want to see if anyone is in the same shoes as me?
I feel lonely and my partner doesn't want to explore his own autistic spectrum, traits, or blind spots. And he won't let me ask his family about this either. And , on top of it all, I realized that both my parents are also autistic and they are not any emotional support for me (never have been unfortunately).
I can't afford a therapist says my husband. Or he says that he can't afford one for us, or himself, or me.
I'm sad. I just want to have someone who understands me.
Is this the right or wrong place to ask ?
Autism has multiple 'meanings' depending on where in the world you live, including a medical understanding and researched brain-type differences. However, we are all emotional humans. What's different is our communication of those emotions. Most Autistics can be incredibly overwhelmed by their emotions or have what's called alexithymia. But One major part of autism is that we are intensely impacted by sensory input, which is everything from external to internal physical and psychological. It also means, until we become a little more mature, we might find the way NeuroTypical individuals communicate as shallow, pointless, unreasonable and therefore cruel. This is not to say this is the case, it's just another perspective.
Another element that makes us unique is that we use our brains differently to reason, perceive and understand. We are not heavily using our language/semiotics compartments the same way most neurotypical individuals are. And the positive side to this is we just are not easily hypnotised or 'duped' in to advertising, we are naturally more analytical in nature. But - in a partnership, it might create a sense of isolation for one or both parties.
Now, all individuals regardless of their own blind spots or strengths have the capacity to understand and use fundamental principles of being kind, generous, caring. Extending grace and undergoing the hard emotional work of growing the self. Regardless of affording a therapist, it is always useful to grow ones character and become the best of our personality.
Does your husband also feel the disconnect? Is he willing to negotiate to find a way to bond with you? The important question will be to ask if you have Shared Values. Dig deeper in to ancient wisdom or even values from the early last century. Even starting with the 'four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships'. Simple resources with grounding shared principles can help fix problems that are making things harder than need be.
I would rather talk about what I am going through because of this discovery. My husband has to decide for himself what he will do or not, but I can't just out a kid on this. This is really shocking for me. That he was living with a mask for years, and when the mask was off it was a plausible thing to believe - that he was stressed or depressed. And since we rarely had or have fights, it is very seldom that I had practical examples of experiencing his non empathic reaction to , well, to me being worried or sad. He won't go and find out exactly where he is on the spectrum but in old terms, he is probably asperger. And no, I have no clue how to speak politically correct or not.
I still need to talk with someone who can connect emotionally with me. As I have no parent or sibling to help me with that.
can't just out a kid on this*** correction: I can't just put a lid on this. (Is what I wanted to write )
What I'm trying to express here is that the Autism Spectrum, as I hear you speak of it, sounds like a misrepresentation, unfortunately. And if I were to base my logic on this perspective of what Autism is and isn't, I would reach the wrong conclusion which would create the wrong emotional response.
Empathy is not Compassion and it is not Sympathy. Empathy, as it's used clinically, is a Relating With another and an understanding. A sociopath WILL understand and also relate with you, they may deceive you into believing they have Sympathy, but what someone chooses to do with the understanding of another is purely driven by their maturity and character based on their Values.
Perhaps you have a PhD and I am misunderstanding what you are saying.
I personally sympathise with your loneliness and I am sorry you're feeling this way. But I would be careful with clinical terms are they were not created for a public exchange but for medical practitioners. It is not a matter of political correctness but it is important to not judge another on false premises and use that as a form of Power Over another.
Masking is accidental, all humans do this as a way to feel acceptance.
There does not exist a whereabouts on the Spectrum. It is a loose term to mean the brain reasons and perceives different from the Neuro-Normative reasoning with lobes responsible for linguistics and semiotics, therefore a different way of communicating and even completely different motives.
Now all this aside, if I were in your position I might weigh my options and either find free therapy or suggest a temporary separation. Both of which I have done when I was younger.