Mediation service with ASD experience

thank you

If the repairs do not get done, the bridge will fall but sometimes you can find ways of rebuilding the bridge in a way neither one had thought of.

that strikes a real chord!

NAS38797 said:

I am desperate for us to find the help we need as I think that we're both still hoping that we can be together, not only for the happiness of our 2 young children but more importantly for ourselves...any recommendations will be gratefully received.

I think the fact that you are both trying to communicate and merge together to find an equal plain of understanding is love and commitment.  It also shows maturity and self reflective abilities that both of you are willing to admit your short comings and work together to live as best you both can.

Thank you for your post.  It is men like you (and many on here) that I admire for your love and effort to other human beings.  You are both a credit to human society and give me hope of finding something to work towards.

One thing I feel for sure about your post is this:

If you are both able to stay together or not, you have given it a damn good try and for that you will be proud because it takes a lot of effort.  I think when both parties are trying to make a go of it, it's more likely to work.  It doesn't work if it's one sided no matter how hard that one person tries as it burns you out.  I was married for 8 years and together for 10 but we were too different for it to ever work because his difficult traits made my negative traits worse and vice versa.  We couldn't accept the perceived difficulties in each other but it taught me a lot about what I really need in a relationship because it is the core of who I am.  I learnt that love can be hidden but still be there.  It taught me that communication and understanding in each partner needs to happen no matter how difficult.  My poor husband could not talk about the things that needed to be talked about.  I felt because of this I was losing myself in the process.  It is still painful for me 10 years later because I put my heart and soul into that marriage and it failed.  He blamed himself and I blamed myself.  I think that it was nobodys fault and that it's a matter of finding and building a friendship bridge together that you both repair together through time.  If the repairs do not get done, the bridge will fall but sometimes you can find ways of rebuilding the bridge in a way neither one had thought of.

Sending you loads of luck and best wishes.

That's a really nice reply ... had an early night so only just seen it.  Thank you so much. 

I just hope the book works for you. 

In my case, I had to force my mind open, a little, because I really wasn't a 'weave your own yoghurt' type.

Mindfulness is probably not for everyone, and it took me quite a while to 'get it', but as it turns out, after putting-in some effort, it pretty much helped every aspect of my life, a bit, and anything that changes everything, a bit, has a radical cumulative effect, when you put it all together.

I'm on here for two reasons - to help other people, which I try hard to do in my own small, unqualified way, by sharing experience; and to learn from the experience of others, which I have done. So it's a two way thing.   

There's nothing easy about any of this, and I know from my own direct experience that autism is as much of a challenge for loving partners as it is for the person who is diagnosed.

People like you, who work at it, think about it, talk to others, and seek solutions are more likely than most to come out on top of it.  But because all autistic people are different, and 'present' differently, we all have to work out our own, individual ways of dealing with a neurotypical world.

For me, two things were more important than anything in getting to grips with it - firstly, what we've been discussing here (Mindfulness); and secondly actually knowing stuff about autism. Because when I started on this journey I was as ignorant about it as it was possible for a sentient being to be.

I really wish you all the best with it, and thanks for that kind reply!

PersonAnon I cannot thank you enough. Just the time that you have taken to respond to my initial message is a gift! This is going to sound ridiculous but hearing someone else speak about the subject of ASD in plain and simple terms has literally changed my life tonight!

This is a seminal moment, right up there with the birth of my children, the first time i convinced a girl to let me put my hand up her jumper and the realisation my wife is ASD! Tomorrow will be different to today.

Suddenly it's very real, it's not just my wife and I in our little bubble of a Man that is possibly the most emotionally demonstrative person alive (I don't just wear my heart on my sleeve...my heart and emotions are the meat and potatoes of my entire life) and a woman that struggles to demonstrate the love that I know is there it is something that other are dealing with day in day out and seem to making it work (you say you're 40 years in).

Thank you for your counsel, I owe you a pint!

I hope so too.  It's not directly about relationship management but it's about managing your mind and your thoughts.  If you're new to it you'll go thro it thinking "well, yeah ... but what the hell has it got to do with my specific issue?".  I did that.  But I went into it with an open mind, and in time, for me it just helped me to calm down, put things in perspective, realise that certain things actually don't matter that much, and manage the points where I'm triggered or on the brink of a meltdown.  It also helps me sleep better (and that improves EVERYTHING)!   

Thanks guys..That book is on order now, I hope it helps me understand the woman I love more and gives me the tools or understanding that I need to help me start to close the gap between us. As the NT I know that I am able to 'flex' more easily and I will do as much as I can to.

I went down the counselling route and could find no satisfactory solution.

I'm going to make a suggestion but it comes with a 'health warning'(!) It isn't mediation, but it may help both of you (yep) to work together more effectively.  

As a result of a recommendation, from a pretty well qualified counselling professional, I bought "Mindfulness: a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world" by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. 

This book (available on Amazon) is highly regarded by professionals and is widely used as a guide for treatment protocols in health organisations across the world (including the NHS).

It comes with an audio CD that contains eight directed mindfulness sessions.  The whole point is that it is is helpful to people irrespective of their current state of mental health and it puts things very much in perspective, helps you to clarify thoughts and prioritise.   

However (here comes the health warning) ... 'Package Contains Mindfulness'. 

Not everyone agrees that it is suitable for people with Autism.

I can only give you my own, direct, personal experience, which is that for me, that whole thing is superb.  Absolutely superb.  I had a year of counselling privately, in 2018/19 (did nothing for me), and several weeks of NHS counselling more recently (mildly helpful), and this has done more for me - by a long, long way - than any of that.  My wife, who is not autistic and has no mental health issues, agrees.

Others may respond negatively, but all I can tell you is what worked for me, and has helped us as a couple (to be fair we've been together 40 years and the worst we have is occasional mild squabbles).   If it helps I am diagnosed as 'mild to moderate, not affecting cognition or language'. 

It's not the answer you were looking for but I hope it may be of help anyway.   

I wish you and your family all the very best.   

Always nice to see a fellow ASD who is married but as far as mediation goes I've tried it myself but strugel to take it seriously. I guess music is my mediation. Usually I listen to heavy metal but if I want to calm down I'll listen too instrumental like Lude wing or motzat focus on the tempo and melody rather than something with lyrics. Lo-fi hip-hop is pretty southing too but have to skip the songs with white noise as white noise does my nut in.