single parent with two ASD teens

Miss 13 is becoming overstimulated, Challenging her and making her question her emotion when her energy levels are stretched are obviously going to push her into burnout or meltdown. 

currently the UK has very limited service to help to teach your daughter how to self regulating techniques, recognising her own complex or multiple emotions at the same time is a skill most teenagers and young adult with autism face. 

What i would recommend is that you need to talk to the school and set up a place where your daughter is safe and can be left alone to process and figure things out that she can leave whenever she needs too. This would be starting point to allow your daughter to start developing the skills to recognise when she is burning out or about to meltdown. 

the seconded thing you would need to do is create a creative way that can explain her emotional state after she has been left alone to let say recharge so that both you. teachers, peers and herself understand what triggered her. 

The next effort is to teach her how to energy account often called the spoon method, 

also look into local autism friendly activities in your area, they often indirectly teach children these skills only problem is that their not located everywhere. 

Hi Jim,

I'd like to say first and foremost, a huge well done for raising two children as a single parent and especially with the additional challenges you all face.  I too am a single parent but have one daughter diagnosed with Autism.  I'd describe her as a swan - outwardly beautifully successful but under the still waters, her little feet are turning over and over.  This is an analogy often used to describe "high functioning" Autistics.  I'd say that it's more a case that people learn tremendous acting abilities.  

My advice as a parent is to allow your daughter to focus on something that chills her out directly after school before anything is expected of her.  No "how was school" conversation.  No "how did you get on with everyone today."  Just picking her up with a "hey" and giving her the time to not have to "socialise."  When I pick my beauty up from school I give her a snack, little eye contact and little chat but just go with what she gives and needs.  She's allowed as much tech stuff as she wants to decompress from socialising and I gauge it on how she looks each day.  Sometimes she needs to go to the park and swing lots to get rid of the stress of being "on" all day or she needs xbox time or time watching youtube.  There are times when I tell her that we will be having a tech free night and will just play board games or draw but again I don't force conversations on her.  It's more that we'll talk random nonsense and be silly which suits me down to the ground.  We're like peas in a pod sometimes. :-)

I'm acutely aware that every single person is different and what is working for my daughter might stop working and might not work for your daughter but I think the basic concepts are the same.  Have visual reminders of what things are happening and when.  Build chill time into her school day if the school can allow this and at home with stuff that works for you all.  Allow time apart from each other as much as you both need so you are able to give her the support she needs and to build yourself up again.  Have silly times and fun where you can both connect through laughter.  I love that my daughter has a wicked sense of humour.

I realise that you probably do all this anyway and have found a structure that works so far.

Parenting is the most rewarding and most challenging role.  it sounds like you want the best for your family and that you are trying your best which is wonderful.  Keep going, keep trying and feel free to post here when things are good/bad or anything in between.  I have and it REALLY helps.

Take care.

H.

Thanks, your account of the stresses faced at school helps a lot. She’s doing so well in so many ways, and I shouldn’t feel downcast because of one or two incidents. It’s exhausting making most of the parenting decisions on my own. Her mum is absent a lot of the time, both physically and emotionally. I’m only just recognising that I need support too. 

Sorry to hear about your daughter and how she is struggling at the moment, I am also a girl with HF ASD and understand how because I am a girl, the way we process and show our emotions are very different to a boy with ASD. I know how difficult it is to be a girl with ASD as usually girls mask it, however boys represent their emotions differently[ in some ways more clearly]. It must be very hard finding out exactly what bothers her at what times. 

Just to let you know, this is the correct place to share this info and get advice but I think you can also talk to staff of the website directly too. 

It is very difficult to determine how an Autistic girl manages at school. My teachers were the same, they thought I was coping well at school but they just observed how I seemed by looking at me, not understanding my emotions because inside, I was slowly deteriorating with powerful emotions. Girls especially automatically mask ASD at times, especially in school. I really feel for your daughter because we [girls] usually bottle everything up and then have a sudden breakdown like you mentioned when she was effected physically too. I think overtime, your daughter may begin to understand her feelings and emotions therefore being able to identify when situations are too powerful to handle. With her age, it may have hit her hard because especially in secondary school, there is a lot, if not too much, to focus on and the stresses of the schoolwork and the mass of children is very overwelming. If there is a Special Educational Needs Department in her school maybe she is able to visit there if a situation gets too much but I understand if that is a bit too much of a large task or it would not help her as it did with me. I remember when I was in year 7 and I didn't have the courage to get myself help, but overtime I began to recognise when I needed it and so I got used to visiting the SEN department which began to make me feel like I had a family within school and whenever I had a problem they would understand. I didn't even have to let the staff know what was wrong because they recognised it and there was immediate understanding. 

I hope she gets all the support she needs but as a parent your doing nothing wrong, it's in your case, all about experimenting with different things and people to lower the stresses she faces. Sorry if I didn't have too many suggestions but I felt just like her before. School can be a tough part in life, but I hope things improve along the way.

MJFR :]

Good luck as an ASD myself were not the easiest least you got them assessed young though so should be intitled to some support from the government hopefully.