Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I'm new to this forum, and gave 2 teens with ASD. Mr16 was diagnosed with HF Asbergers 4 years ago, and Miss13 simply ASD 12 months ago (I gather they no longer differentiate). I'm here because I've become very capable at dealing with Mr16, who manages himself very well these days. Miss13 however is another kettle of fish and makes me feel completely useless as a parent. She's must be high-functioning like her brother, and has been in mainstream secondary for 18 months. However she has a tendency to shut down at school when challenged to talk about her emotions. It's been likened to selective mutism (by CAMHS), but no help has been offered as she's doing so well at school. Before Christmas she had a complete shutdown - emotionally and physically. She appeared to lose all motor functions, refusing to talk or walk and couldn't even wipe the tears from her face. When I arrived the teacher felt the only option was to gently bring her to her feet and help her walk out the school, which slowly worked. I felt awful as I am a single parent without a car and it took a long time for me to reach the school. So I'm finally taking my therapist's advice and sharing here. Is there a particular forum for despondent single parents with HF ASD?
Cheers,
Jim.
Hi Jim,
I'd like to say first and foremost, a huge well done for raising two children as a single parent and especially with the additional challenges you all face. I too am a single parent but have one daughter diagnosed with Autism. I'd describe her as a swan - outwardly beautifully successful but under the still waters, her little feet are turning over and over. This is an analogy often used to describe "high functioning" Autistics. I'd say that it's more a case that people learn tremendous acting abilities.
My advice as a parent is to allow your daughter to focus on something that chills her out directly after school before anything is expected of her. No "how was school" conversation. No "how did you get on with everyone today." Just picking her up with a "hey" and giving her the time to not have to "socialise." When I pick my beauty up from school I give her a snack, little eye contact and little chat but just go with what she gives and needs. She's allowed as much tech stuff as she wants to decompress from socialising and I gauge it on how she looks each day. Sometimes she needs to go to the park and swing lots to get rid of the stress of being "on" all day or she needs xbox time or time watching youtube. There are times when I tell her that we will be having a tech free night and will just play board games or draw but again I don't force conversations on her. It's more that we'll talk random nonsense and be silly which suits me down to the ground. We're like peas in a pod sometimes. :-)
I'm acutely aware that every single person is different and what is working for my daughter might stop working and might not work for your daughter but I think the basic concepts are the same. Have visual reminders of what things are happening and when. Build chill time into her school day if the school can allow this and at home with stuff that works for you all. Allow time apart from each other as much as you both need so you are able to give her the support she needs and to build yourself up again. Have silly times and fun where you can both connect through laughter. I love that my daughter has a wicked sense of humour.
I realise that you probably do all this anyway and have found a structure that works so far.
Parenting is the most rewarding and most challenging role. it sounds like you want the best for your family and that you are trying your best which is wonderful. Keep going, keep trying and feel free to post here when things are good/bad or anything in between. I have and it REALLY helps.
Take care.
H.