Newly Diagnosed and confused

Hi Mark

I'm a mid-50s aspie too.     Like others have said, there's no 'right' way to feel.

It's early days yet for you to unpack all of your life's experience and re-frame it with the new information.

May I ask what triggered your search for a diagnosis?

You'll be surprised with yourself when you figure our your strengths and weaknesses.

I always suggest looking back to your childhood and think about the things you used to enjoy - and why.      Things like Lego or models etc.

What did you enjoy?

Hi Plastic,

I have always felt "different" but never understood it? I know I have always thought differently, but was always told "dont be silly" among other similar comments.. So, I think on reflection, that is why I have always kept my opinions and thoughts etc, buried to myself.. People just didnt understand what I was trying to say or express.

I so wanted to be evryones friend,(still do) but over time, I got the feeling that people thought I was a bit weird (My perception only) Which in turn, just increased my self thinking. People tell me I am argumentative, but to me I am analysing every detail and try to give a balanced "devil's advocat" point of view? As recently as this Sunday, a friend I was visiting (I did tell them my diagnosis) stated to me that I, have always been an over thinker on things!

Even later that day I was haveing a (in my opinion) discussion with another person in our company. It was obviously dragging on a bit and I could see the person was getting frustrated, my friend said to him " you wont win this" which I found internally upsetting! as I was not trying to "win" anything, just portray an alternative way to look at the scinario! to me seemed a natural way to balance, but we both still had our opinions.

I also (always have) got frustrated, to internal meltdown, where I may fly off in a rage then go and ruminate about things for several days. But never express how the situations would make me feel, I alwys think, I have tried to tell people why I acted in the way I did / do, but they just dont get it! or i think they dont and have not listened to me. So when that scinario happens again, for example someting being moved from where I left it, even if I havent used it in a week, when I go to get it, its not there, I get so frustrated! I would then say I have asked for things to be left where they are, I know where it is and can just put my hand on it when I need it!

I must admit it seems un fair to the other person (mainly my wife) but I can not control it... this frightens me.

To be honest, I suppose, it spurred me on to research autism in some way, then I asked gp to refer me for an assessment. Hence, where I am today! I just now have rushes of questions and what if's all the time. I dont understand what it really is or "Who I am"?

My wife has been so supportive and understanding, but unfortunately bares the brunt of my moods! I have spoken with some people to give her some support too.. but she seems more able to understand everything than I am.

I also catastrophize a lot? Not sure how to deal with that?

Sorry for the diversion! its just all popped in to my head.. These are just some of the things that made me seek a diagnosis. I seem to have sensory issues with some fabrics, I can hear conversations of people a little distance away from me above a conversation I am actually in? (but not always) smells can be stronger at times for me! But thanks to your video suggestions, I can understand a bit more, but I want to know "How TO" deal with this, or do I "Need to" deal with this? this is part of my confusion, also what people think of me, why / what do I do that is weird to them? Perhaps its just me opening up about this after all these years?

With regard to things I liked as a child, maybe construction toys not particularly lego, but have played with lego. I used to draw but as in copy from a book, not as in free thinking (which I find difficuly as in drawing)

always liked cooking (I am a chef) but liked cooking from a very young age.

Liked fishing and still go fishing, fresh and sea!

Hi Plastic,

I have always felt "different" but never understood it? I know I have always thought differently, but was always told "dont be silly" among other similar comments.. So, I think on reflection, that is why I have always kept my opinions and thoughts etc, buried to myself.. People just didnt understand what I was trying to say or express.

I so wanted to be evryones friend,(still do) but over time, I got the feeling that people thought I was a bit weird (My perception only) Which in turn, just increased my self thinking. People tell me I am argumentative, but to me I am analysing every detail and try to give a balanced "devil's advocat" point of view? As recently as this Sunday, a friend I was visiting (I did tell them my diagnosis) stated to me that I, have always been an over thinker on things!

Even later that day I was haveing a (in my opinion) discussion with another person in our company. It was obviously dragging on a bit and I could see the person was getting frustrated, my friend said to him " you wont win this" which I found internally upsetting! as I was not trying to "win" anything, just portray an alternative way to look at the scinario! to me seemed a natural way to balance, but we both still had our opinions.

I also (always have) got frustrated, to internal meltdown, where I may fly off in a rage then go and ruminate about things for several days. But never express how the situations would make me feel, I alwys think, I have tried to tell people why I acted in the way I did / do, but they just dont get it! or i think they dont and have not listened to me. So when that scinario happens again, for example someting being moved from where I left it, even if I havent used it in a week, when I go to get it, its not there, I get so frustrated! I would then say I have asked for things to be left where they are, I know where it is and can just put my hand on it when I need it!

I must admit it seems un fair to the other person (mainly my wife) but I can not control it... this frightens me.

To be honest, I suppose, it spurred me on to research autism in some way, then I asked gp to refer me for an assessment. Hence, where I am today! I just now have rushes of questions and what if's all the time. I dont understand what it really is or "Who I am"?

My wife has been so supportive and understanding, but unfortunately bares the brunt of my moods! I have spoken with some people to give her some support too.. but she seems more able to understand everything than I am.

I also catastrophize a lot? Not sure how to deal with that?

Sorry for the diversion! its just all popped in to my head.. These are just some of the things that made me seek a diagnosis. I seem to have sensory issues with some fabrics, I can hear conversations of people a little distance away from me above a conversation I am actually in? (but not always) smells can be stronger at times for me! But thanks to your video suggestions, I can understand a bit more, but I want to know "How TO" deal with this, or do I "Need to" deal with this? this is part of my confusion, also what people think of me, why / what do I do that is weird to them? Perhaps its just me opening up about this after all these years?

With regard to things I liked as a child, maybe construction toys not particularly lego, but have played with lego. I used to draw but as in copy from a book, not as in free thinking (which I find difficuly as in drawing)

always liked cooking (I am a chef) but liked cooking from a very young age.

Liked fishing and still go fishing, fresh and sea!

Thanks, Ohhh I can be silly believe me!!!

Be silly! You can be silly here. I can be really silly--characters n voices like comedians. Silly voices help take out the seriousness of life-I think. My mom is where I learned my silliness from. 

as the old proverb states!

"It's a long road that has no turning"

perhaps I am approaching the first bend! I do hope so...

Cool - it's one of the hardest things to do when you realise that you're not the same as everyone else.     The trick is to find your niche - where you just magically fit and can stand down.

Thanks Plastic,

For some reaon, I have always had a low self- esteem, Im not confident, I always criticize myself and seem to be very harsh on myself! But I am hoping to change that.. "Im Here" I have raised my foot on to the first rung of a long ladder.. I am actually feeling good today!

Yeah - I think you've tried - and partially succeeded - in playing at being 'normal' for so long that you are lost in it.    A lot of the people are not necessarily your friends - they are drinking buddies - you are buying their hospitality.     If they wouldn't understand the 'real' you, what are you really gaining from this?

I understand why you do it - you think you have no alternative - but that is grossly short-selling yourself.      You seem to have an interesting mind - and it seems such a shame to not be able to be yourself.

I suppose, I find a momentery peace with alchol, maybe I need to recognise other ways, but that is what I meant earlier when I mentioned, this is all I know, I have been doing this for so long!  I like being on my own, but I do feel the need for interaction with people, hence why I go to the pub, to be a part of "Normal society" or at least thats how I have always seen it! People in the pub and friends, dont understand what is going on behind the scenes in my mind.

I cant, or indeed couldnt explain it to them, so rather than upset or make anyone feel uncomfortable, "I" deal with it.. Now perhaps I can see other options and am very slowly letting myself understand how it is for me!

Like I said previously, I like sitting on the decking when I return from the pub, have a glass of something, but on occasion not have a glass of something! I like the still of the night and the ripple of the breeze in the trees.. That allows me to think deeper and say things in my mind that I know most of my friends wouldnt get? Like the emense power of nature in general. However I dont always think this without the alcohol, as I can only guess I am to busy trying to fit in or be normal!

Or should I say what I think is NT peoples idea of "Normal"?

Im now envoking thoughts of What is normal to anyone? Who in the beginning stated what "Normal" is? But surely that was that individuals "Normal" ? So who decided the "rule book" for normal!! lol, Im just bouncing jolly conversation in my mind, which is good for me, I think..

Any way, I have digressed, I also like the sea and sea fishing, love been on a boat floating and relaxing, with or without people joining me. I have seen the power of the sea and what it can do! It has its own unstoppable course and will do as it pleases! but also has a most serene and tranquil side. It just facinates me!

Life shouldn't be this stressful.     Where do you find peace?      What type of people would you like to be with?  

I really sympathise with you being forced into doing something so stressful that you need 'help'

I couldn't do that - the unpredictability of the help would add more stress to me - would I be underperforming but without the judgement to be able to measure my delivery?

I would like to say Plastic, Thanks to you guys on here, I have actually

"Talked about" this for the first time and have said more in the last few days than I have ever imagined I could.

Im am not at all comfortable saying it, but I am glad I have. It is a form of release, so THANK YOU to you all. It means a lot.

Sometimes, there is little or no choice in the people or the social setting that you are faced with. When I was working, I had to present my work to as many as a couple of hundred people at a time, much though I might wish to avoid doing so, It was part of the job, what I was being paid for.

I understand that Plastic, Im just saying how it is for me, Its chatting here that is giving me an understanding of what / where I need to go. So perhaps to some we are our own enemy and the suit of armour is not a protection but a self containment to keep yourself from exploding and perhaps hurting others? The interface needs to be with me first now I think, then can I move forward, but I think this is going to take a lot of time!

May I suggest you're trying to interface to completely the wrong people if you need alcohol to do it.      It's like putting on a suit of armour for going into battle - with no enemy.

I totally understand

Pacing is the ideal, but often not achieved. Luckily, I don't get belligerent or morose with too much, just silly, extraverted and talkative. That is one of the attractions of alcohol for me, it temporarily makes me more like the person I would like to be.

Thanks Martin, however, I do over do it when I do have a drink.. The initial few help, but as I say the one that is the one too many, I dont recognise which one that is! Or as a matter of fact, I need to recognise the one before the one too many as its too late when I have that one!!!!

You're most welcome - if there's anything specific I can help with, just ask away.

You are not the only autistic person who uses alcohol as a crutch in social situations. My family is small and mostly in America and Australia, but my wife's family is much bigger and nearer. At all family events that I cannot evade I tend to drink too much, just as a coping mechanism. It works, it isn't ideal, but I don't hold myself at fault as much as I do the societal pressures that I am under, that seem inescapable.

Thanks, I will have a look.. I appreciate all you help and understanding

You don't need to delete anything - you just need to realise where people like you will hang out and the types of clubs and groups they inhabit.

I'm easy-  science nerd - I'm into planes cars, models, Lego, electronics, hi-fi, music etc.     There are clubs I can go along to to see if I fit.     There's also Meetup.com - lots of specialist groups where you can just go along and hang with them - let the calmness of being with like-minded people gently reprogramme you and give you the confidence to expand into the confident person you  could be.

There's plenty of nature lovers that would be more than happy sitting in the woods listening to the wind and watching the wildlife - you don't need to be hammered to enjoy that.