Newly Diagnosed and confused

Hi Mark

I'm a mid-50s aspie too.     Like others have said, there's no 'right' way to feel.

It's early days yet for you to unpack all of your life's experience and re-frame it with the new information.

May I ask what triggered your search for a diagnosis?

You'll be surprised with yourself when you figure our your strengths and weaknesses.

I always suggest looking back to your childhood and think about the things you used to enjoy - and why.      Things like Lego or models etc.

What did you enjoy?

Hi Plastic,

I have always felt "different" but never understood it? I know I have always thought differently, but was always told "dont be silly" among other similar comments.. So, I think on reflection, that is why I have always kept my opinions and thoughts etc, buried to myself.. People just didnt understand what I was trying to say or express.

I so wanted to be evryones friend,(still do) but over time, I got the feeling that people thought I was a bit weird (My perception only) Which in turn, just increased my self thinking. People tell me I am argumentative, but to me I am analysing every detail and try to give a balanced "devil's advocat" point of view? As recently as this Sunday, a friend I was visiting (I did tell them my diagnosis) stated to me that I, have always been an over thinker on things!

Even later that day I was haveing a (in my opinion) discussion with another person in our company. It was obviously dragging on a bit and I could see the person was getting frustrated, my friend said to him " you wont win this" which I found internally upsetting! as I was not trying to "win" anything, just portray an alternative way to look at the scinario! to me seemed a natural way to balance, but we both still had our opinions.

I also (always have) got frustrated, to internal meltdown, where I may fly off in a rage then go and ruminate about things for several days. But never express how the situations would make me feel, I alwys think, I have tried to tell people why I acted in the way I did / do, but they just dont get it! or i think they dont and have not listened to me. So when that scinario happens again, for example someting being moved from where I left it, even if I havent used it in a week, when I go to get it, its not there, I get so frustrated! I would then say I have asked for things to be left where they are, I know where it is and can just put my hand on it when I need it!

I must admit it seems un fair to the other person (mainly my wife) but I can not control it... this frightens me.

To be honest, I suppose, it spurred me on to research autism in some way, then I asked gp to refer me for an assessment. Hence, where I am today! I just now have rushes of questions and what if's all the time. I dont understand what it really is or "Who I am"?

My wife has been so supportive and understanding, but unfortunately bares the brunt of my moods! I have spoken with some people to give her some support too.. but she seems more able to understand everything than I am.

I also catastrophize a lot? Not sure how to deal with that?

Sorry for the diversion! its just all popped in to my head.. These are just some of the things that made me seek a diagnosis. I seem to have sensory issues with some fabrics, I can hear conversations of people a little distance away from me above a conversation I am actually in? (but not always) smells can be stronger at times for me! But thanks to your video suggestions, I can understand a bit more, but I want to know "How TO" deal with this, or do I "Need to" deal with this? this is part of my confusion, also what people think of me, why / what do I do that is weird to them? Perhaps its just me opening up about this after all these years?

With regard to things I liked as a child, maybe construction toys not particularly lego, but have played with lego. I used to draw but as in copy from a book, not as in free thinking (which I find difficuly as in drawing)

always liked cooking (I am a chef) but liked cooking from a very young age.

Liked fishing and still go fishing, fresh and sea!

It's actually interesting.

I'm a twin so I always had a working model of me nearby 24/7.     I  was very different from him and my family when growing up.    I could never understand why they did the crazy things they did

Its our overblown fight or flight that creates the  worst-case scenario thinking    And it's also the NT-status-based society that makes 'winning' more important than rational thought.      The two together make it very difficult to operate in combative work environments.  

The fight or flight tunes your senses so movements and sounds - like conversations - are more intense.

What do you think triggers your moods - stress from work or general environment stress?

Do you still do things you used to like to calm you?

I used to free-think on paper - I got through rolls of wall-lining paper with my designs and drawings - always pencil only

as the old proverb states!

"It's a long road that has no turning"

perhaps I am approaching the first bend! I do hope so...

Cool - it's one of the hardest things to do when you realise that you're not the same as everyone else.     The trick is to find your niche - where you just magically fit and can stand down.

Thanks Plastic,

For some reaon, I have always had a low self- esteem, Im not confident, I always criticize myself and seem to be very harsh on myself! But I am hoping to change that.. "Im Here" I have raised my foot on to the first rung of a long ladder.. I am actually feeling good today!

Yeah - I think you've tried - and partially succeeded - in playing at being 'normal' for so long that you are lost in it.    A lot of the people are not necessarily your friends - they are drinking buddies - you are buying their hospitality.     If they wouldn't understand the 'real' you, what are you really gaining from this?

I understand why you do it - you think you have no alternative - but that is grossly short-selling yourself.      You seem to have an interesting mind - and it seems such a shame to not be able to be yourself.

Yeah - I think you've tried - and partially succeeded - in playing at being 'normal' for so long that you are lost in it.    A lot of the people are not necessarily your friends - they are drinking buddies - you are buying their hospitality.     If they wouldn't understand the 'real' you, what are you really gaining from this?

I understand why you do it - you think you have no alternative - but that is grossly short-selling yourself.      You seem to have an interesting mind - and it seems such a shame to not be able to be yourself.

as the old proverb states!

"It's a long road that has no turning"

perhaps I am approaching the first bend! I do hope so...

Cool - it's one of the hardest things to do when you realise that you're not the same as everyone else.     The trick is to find your niche - where you just magically fit and can stand down.

Thanks Plastic,

For some reaon, I have always had a low self- esteem, Im not confident, I always criticize myself and seem to be very harsh on myself! But I am hoping to change that.. "Im Here" I have raised my foot on to the first rung of a long ladder.. I am actually feeling good today!