looking for support for ADULTS with PARENTS WITH AUTISM

Hi Christina, 

Growing up my mother was misdiagnosed with a number of things. Initially, back in the 90s, she was placed on medication for what they called a "nervous breakdown", then later after being heavily medicated she was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. She lived a very abused life in a very poor and uneducated family. That abuse was furthered by my father. 

My mother was heavily medicated for most of my childhood and I was under the impression this was what attributed to her lack of general engagement or interest. 

I spent the better part of my life from 11 on taking care of her. She did work, she was in the Navy, she married my father and had two children. My brother has what was then called asbergers syndrome but was not diagnosed until he was almost 22 because it was such a new concept.

I actually didn't realize that my mother had autism until last year when my aunt finally told me that my mother had always been this way. It wasn't the abuse or the medication. For some reason no one had to heart to tell me thar she was just this way. 

I felt a number of emotions. I mourned the image of my mother I had, I felt immense guilt and confusion for my many and varied attempts at helping her or thinking her irrational and manic or impulsive and tmnot well thought out behavior was due to lack of experience or education. I could never understand why it was so hard for her to keep a job even though she had 2 degrees. 

I think sometimes it is easier for us to have a "reason" for our experience, something we can rationalize. Now I just feel a deep sense of sorrow for the lack of understanding or compassion that was shown to my mom and given how she learns its understandable that she simply immulates what has been shown to her. 

It's how she has managed to stay alive all these years. 

I think we are all on a spectrum, and its hard to say that anyone is or is not on it without a diagnoses, but I do hope that you find comfort and compassion and that you honor any grief you may feel. 

It changed my sense of self and the understanding of my life deeply. 

Be well 

Hi Christina, 

Growing up my mother was misdiagnosed with a number of things. Initially, back in the 90s, she was placed on medication for what they called a "nervous breakdown", then later after being heavily medicated she was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. She lived a very abused life in a very poor and uneducated family. That abuse was furthered by my father. 

My mother was heavily medicated for most of my childhood and I was under the impression this was what attributed to her lack of general engagement or interest. 

I spent the better part of my life from 11 on taking care of her. She did work, she was in the Navy, she married my father and had two children. My brother has what was then called asbergers syndrome but was not diagnosed until he was almost 22 because it was such a new concept.

I actually didn't realize that my mother had autism until last year when my aunt finally told me that my mother had always been this way. It wasn't the abuse or the medication. For some reason no one had to heart to tell me thar she was just this way. 

I felt a number of emotions. I mourned the image of my mother I had, I felt immense guilt and confusion for my many and varied attempts at helping her or thinking her irrational and manic or impulsive and tmnot well thought out behavior was due to lack of experience or education. I could never understand why it was so hard for her to keep a job even though she had 2 degrees. 

I think sometimes it is easier for us to have a "reason" for our experience, something we can rationalize. Now I just feel a deep sense of sorrow for the lack of understanding or compassion that was shown to my mom and given how she learns its understandable that she simply immulates what has been shown to her. 

It's how she has managed to stay alive all these years. 

I think we are all on a spectrum, and its hard to say that anyone is or is not on it without a diagnoses, but I do hope that you find comfort and compassion and that you honor any grief you may feel. 

It changed my sense of self and the understanding of my life deeply. 

Be well 

np   :)

thank you :-) It's a cover name. 

just one thing if the name u are using is u real name remove the surname so u cant be identified for your own safety or use a completely different name

Thank you Aidie for your reply and it is good to read how you experienced your upbringing. 

I haven't been diagnosed as I don't meet the requirements. It is unlikely I am autistic, but a fair number in my family seem to have a very distinct way which indicates reasons to believe it is present in our family, but so far, only the teenage son of my brother has been diagnosed. It wasn't a surprise to me. 

In my case it was the way how my parents related to me that was entirely different than what I noticed with other children.

There was no dialogue between us. I always needed to fit into a frame that didn't seem to work for me.

There was no space for compassion or warmth or empathy as was the case in most families of my friends.

I felt like a 'puppet' that had to behave exactly how they wanted. If not, it could get them extremely upset to the point of anger outbursts. So I never felt as if I had been parented, but I felt as if I had been 'directed' or controlled during my upbringing. 

My mother also had very clear ideas about who I was that didn't fit with the reality, which meant I got quite confused with my identity, and my worth etc... 

These are but a few examples. It is quite hard to list these things as I am aware that they did the best they could in their situation, and never meant to harm me or my siblings.

However, it has disrupted my development. So far I haven't found support that know about these sensitivities, about adults who have been raised by parents with autism.  

Thank you for this Adele, this is most helpful. :-) 

i suspect my mum has been autistic all along. She just laughed at me when I but didnt say she wasnt. Anyway I cant force her to get a diagnosis. My mum is a major force in our family and my llfe. She grew up on a farm and then raised me and my siblings. In our family everyone worked or raised kids. Did her autism contribute to my mental health, hell yes. For example i didnt attend school as much as other children and she was very particular about who hung around with me to the point of physically attacking them but what is done is done.

She never let me know I was autistic so i was raised as normal which was quite a good strategy because I wasnt labelled in any way.

I think she did a great job LOL

If both your parents are autistic thats sound a very chaotic upbringing..we always my dad to keep us straight at times

Are you autistic ?

What diagnoses have u received ?

What are your main issues eg anxiety depression pstd etc ?

Is this of any interest to you?

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-you-suspect-parent-may-be-on-autism-spectrum-0610164

I think I have autism and have come to realise that one of my parents may have it too - that parent was a bit abusive to me growing up but I believe that was down to their personality and not autism, as I have another relative with traits who couldn't be more different.  But it might not be abuse you are referring to.

I won't keep commenting as I don't want to go into too many details on a public forum - but I hope you find the support you need.