Hello!

What a great post! Thank you so much. 

Self doubt is a difficult thing to deal with and quite new for me too which I suppose makes me lucky. I'm grateful for all the positives that being me brings. I just have a label for it now.

You're right about having to assert yourself with certain people. There is a tendency amongst NT people to think they know how to behave and so it is a big shock to them when they're told their behaviour is offensive. 

Hope all is good with you! 

These people have probably known you for a long time as you just being yourself, and then one day you tell them you have autism, and they don't know what autism is, so they probably doubt it and they don't trust it, because they don't know much about it.

You want to tell them about autism to have it verified so you don't feel fake, but they're not supporting you and doubting your diagnosis, which makes you doubt yourself. It's strange because I thought receiving a diagnosis would always give people certainty, and having that certainty would put their mind at ease, but maybe that's not always the case.

Her brother was very condescending towards you, and he was putting you down and making fun of you at your expense. It's hard to say if this kind of banter should be a normal thing for you, but if you end up hurt afterwards, then I don't think it's a good thing for you to continue, because it'll negatively impact your mental health and wellbeing. 

Some options would be to talk to your partner about what her brother has said and discuss it with her, and hopefully she'll support you on the matter, and then she'll be more aware of her brother's stupid remarks the next time around. 

I'm quite oblivious to things until after they happen too, and I try to keep the peace whenever possible, but even if you're not angry, sometimes just looking like you are and saying things loudly will get the other person to back off. It's weird that people won't take you seriously and they'll step on you, until you get angry at them, and then they'll know what not to do around you next time. I find it really strange, but that's what you have to do to with certain types of people.

Can't see a reply to your last to me below, so this will appear out of sequence, but thank you. I think that's good advice and I'll work with that

I think you will find the help. Either through professionals or (probably more likely) your own research. 

I have read a couple of good books- and a few not so. And as a bit of a podcast obsessive I have found a few of those to be helpful. 1800 Seconds on Autism on BBC Sounds, the most recent episode of Period Power... 

Understanding triggers is a massive step toward doing something about them. 

Yep!  I get that.  Also, I guess, if two people with a broken leg don't experience the problem in the same way, there's no reason to suppose any two people with ASD will.  Just because some people have one of the traits you don't, doesn't mean it doesn't apply.  You may have other's they don't.  Or do, but they don't bother them.  

I guess I have mixed feelings about it.  If it turns out that I am on the spectrum - and the more I look into it the more I think I certainly have traits and from my mother's description of my childhood, it's a classic - I think it's a case of, oh well.  There you go! That explains much of the good, bad and ugly of my life.  And it can only be a good thing to understand that.  It would allow me to be aware of why and when I need to check out other people's needs and for other people just to be aware of when and how I might be processing things a tad differently to them.  It can only help.

On the other hand, I am so desperate over the medical phobias and consequent anxiety and melt down thing, I might feel quite despairing that no one is ever going to be able to help me with the one aspect of it all that is completely debilitating and quite dangerous.  I only hope that a diagnosis can come with a solution to that.

Jarvis said:

They're suggesting I have learning disabilities,

Just the sort of family you need. 

One good phrase to remember - "You laugh at me because I'm different - I laugh at you because you're *all* the same.".

I've always found the limits difficult to judge - I see so many terrible things just accepted as normal that I doubt my own judgement in stress situations.

A good approach. I think my experiences show that people's perceptions of you can change. My friend doesn't even acknowledge it. 

My partner keeps trying to get me to tell people but I am not sure what it'll achieve. 

Hey, I mean faking being autistic. But yeah, masking brings yet more complexity doesn't it? 

Hi Dawn,

Good luck with your assessment. Are you feeling positive about it? I certainly found it worthwhile in trying to understand why I sometimes behave as I do. It just opens up some other questions. 

I think you might be right about about situational view. I hadn't considered that before. 

Sometimes we can perhaps be a bit too informed I guess. I'll read traits of autistic people and think well I don't do that so maybe I'm not. Also having a late diagnosis means I don't always know what's me and what's me masking and whether me masking is still me. It can all get a bit philosophical... 

They're suggesting I have learning disabilities, and that makes me a bit "special" (his words)...

Thank you for the welcome. Better late than never, eh? 

Jarvis said:

How do you manage with the feelings of faking it?

Jarvis, when you say faking it, do you mean pretending to be as others in order to fit in and be accepted?  If so, as I understand it, this is called 'masking'.  Maybe others would describe it differently. 

Ben

Hi Jarvis,

I'm just on the road to assessment and it's all a bit of shock to me - so, what do I know?  But since you have a diagnosis, you clearly aren't faking anything.  

I have a hunch, however, that everything might depend on context as to whether ASD is getting in the way of anything or not.  For instance, when I filled in my triage paperwork, I spoke to a couple of folks who know me well.  One of them knows my academic approach well and has often been out in groups with me.  Her response was "Well, that wouldn't be a shocker, Dawn" and gently pointed out the aspects of my behaviour she could see.  The other is a friendship built mostly on one on one conversation.  She can't see it at all and certainly feels I respond to her needs.  The 'group' thing and the 'study' thing might turn out to be where it shows for me, is all.  One on one, trusted friends TELL you what they think and feel - so for me, no other social cue needed, therefore this friend can't see it.

Is it possible that when you feel you are "faking it", you're just in a situation, where it isn't getting in the way of anything?

I am so sorry these people haven't been more supportive for you.

Jarvis said:

How have you dealt with telling people?

Hello Jarvis. I was diagnosed last year and have yet to tell anyone. I am taking my time, as once you've told someone you can't un-tell them again.

Ben

I am (I think). Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it useful.

Hi

I was diagnosed at 42 - welcome to the late-comer's club 

Jarvis said:

Her brother made jokes at the weekend about looking at a holiday cottage which had a play room for me.

Why do they joke about a play room?      Are they calling you immature or do you have lots of hobbies?

Tim, thank you so much for your message! I think openness is key. Just need to keep a check on my jokes... have a great day! 

Hey Michael.

Congratulations, I like that! Thank you. All good, generally. Hope you're well too. 

Like you I was diagnosed later on in life (56).   i am lucky in that I do have an 'autism aware' family.   I am open, direct and honest about my autism.   By and large it works.   People on the telephone seem to get it, so do authorities, police and health professionals (by and large).   I hope over time the feeling of faking will go.   You are who you are, we all are, and in my old life I got fed up of people who wanted me to change and become 'someone different' - which I knew I couldn't do.   Making jokes is normal, and for others it might be a way of dealing with the unknown - perhaps a bit frightening for them too.   You are not a fraud - you are you, and that's OK, that;s who you are.   I hope others will come to terms with that (but that's their problem) as they get used to you and accepting and understanding.   Good luck.   

Hi Jarvis,

Belated congratulations for your diagnosis in December. I hope you are well.