Long term partner of a man who's recently been diagnosed with ASD

Hi ScreamingOnTheInside. I agree with Mymble - it's great that you're continuing to work on the relationship, and I hope things get easier. Yes, a support group in your local area could be helpful for you.

The book that Deepthought linked looks interesting. From having a quick look at it, I think pages 306-311 could help you.

I'm a neurotypical woman in a relationship (for just over ten years, strangely enough) with a man who has just been diagnosed with high-functioning autism. I realise that a male perspective might be more helpful for you. Still, I hope that I might be able to help you anyway by sharing some communication tips that I have learned over the years with my partner.

• Say clearly what you want and how you are feeling - for example, "I feel upset. I want you to listen while I tell you why I'm upset, then I want you to give me a hug after that. I don't want advice. Is that OK?" This tells your partner what is about to happen and what you expect from him. He doesn't need to try to guess how you are feeling. (My partner and I hug, but you and your partner may have a different action that expresses love, which you both feel comfortable with.)
• If your partner is struggling to understand how you feel, try drawing a diagram of the situation, with arrows and pictures and a few key words.
• Take his words at face value, i.e. he means what he says and no more. I find myself automatically inferring extra meaning beyond my partner's words, which leads to my feelings getting hurt. For example, once he said "I didn't like that meal" and my brain started telling me "He thinks I'm a bad cook, he doesn't appreciate me, he doesn't care about the work I do to support him" etc. I got upset, but it turned out that he was only talking about that one particular instance, and he thought that he was helping me by giving me useful information.
• Try to be patient if he interrupts you or stops listening - it's frustrating, but I remind myself that it takes a huge amount of mental effort for my partner to concentrate while I'm talking about something that is outside the range of his specific interests. Every second he does that for me is a gesture of love. There comes a point when he runs out of energy.
• Keep a 'bank' in your memory of all the times your partner has expressed love, whether it was words or actions. My partner rarely pays compliments or buys gifts, but he does things every day to make my life better, sometimes at the cost of discomfort to himself. At the times when he needs to be left alone, or is not saying what I want him to say, I remind myself of all the times he has proven his love.
• Identify times when you are craving a type of emotional support that your partner is incapable of providing, and seek this support from a friend instead, or use positive self-talk (i.e. tell yourself kind things). Examples of what I mean is when I want someone to say "I understand how you're feeling, I would feel the same in your situation" / "You're amazing at [your job/hobby], that person who criticised you is an idiot" / "Everything's going to be OK" / "I'll be here for you no matter what". Even if my partner were capable of figuring out that I want him to say these things, it would feel painfully uncomfortable for him to make these statements because they are technically untrue. I've tried to explain to him my need for validation and reassurance, but he doesn't have the equipment in his brain to imagine how that feels for me. (His brain has plenty of other useful equipment though, which I don't have.)

It can feel unnatural and exhausting to take these steps. I'm no expert, and am in the process of learning these things myself. I understand why you feel emotionally drained.

There are also great things about communicating with an autistic person - I never have to wonder "What does he really mean?" /"Is he lying to me to avoid hurting my feelings?"/ "Is he cheating on me?" I find it refreshing to come home to my partner and to know that he is always honest, loyal, and puts me first over everything. His deadpan humour makes me laugh every day, and he's great with his hands. He's a wonderful partner. 

If you would like to be more specific about the communication issues that you are having, I would be interested to hear about it and would like to try to help.

yess 100% you must read Tony Attwood he is absolutely amazing. There must be some kind of support group in your area for partners or carers of people with ASD? i feel that will be far more beneficial that just forums. 

What is important is also to let yourself feel fed up and exhausted and angry, it is ok to feel all of these things, you are a person who also has needs. it is not just about helping your boyfriend but also about helping yourself and seeking the support that you need. I commend your commitment to being a supportive partner and i take my hat off to you, it isn't easy and i hope that you guys can find a way to work around the communication and your new understanding together of his neurodiversity. You are not alone.

Tony Attwood will be doing a lectures in London soonish? he is going to sooth your soul, however the majority of information on ASD/NT relationships are mostly going to be from straight relationships so a lot of it is from the female perspective and i know sometimes that can be really frustrating as you have yourself a statistical double unicorn who is also from outer space. 

here is a little interview with Attwood in regards to NT/ASD marriages and he gives some resources here https://youtu.be/v-Uqm74g2ew 

his ask tony page http://www.autismhangout.com/ 

he has loads of books and videos :)

ScreamingOnTheInside said:

Hi everyone!

I'm a gay man who's partner of just over ten years has been officially diagnosed earlier this year.  This has mostly  come as great relief, as it explains so many of the issues we've both been becoming increasingly aware of during our time together. 

However, I must admit that I'm often struggling to know how to deal with challenging situations. In particular, there are major communication issues that regularly cause problems - often we may as well be speaking completely different languages. It gets emotionally draining and I really feel like I need help, or at least to be able to talk with other people in the same kind of situation.

Perhaps try reading THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO ASPERGER'S SYNDROME book by TONY ATTWOOD ~ available free via the follwing PDF link, or for just under £20 a copy at your nearest local book shop, if brought new:

http://www.autismforthvalley.co.uk/files/5314/4595/7798/Attwood-Tony-The-Complete-Guide-to-Aspergers-Syndrome.pdf