I was diagnosed with Asperger's around ten years ago, at the age of forty. Up until then I'd only heard occasional references to it, yet they all matched up with me so well that I felt I needed to find out for sure, so got a referral from my G.P.
And it was a revelation to me, discovering that I'm not just a bundle of random weirdness, but actually a very consistent specimen of the Asperger's species.
Partly why I've joined this forum is a phrase that's kept ringing in my head "Normal people scare me". For a long time I didn't know what it referred to, and yet, it really struck a chord. Not that I'm outwardly "scared", but certainly there's an underlying nervousness whenever I have to interact with anyone other than family or very close friends. And looking the phrase up, yes, I discover it's the name of a documentary film all about the Autistic spectrum.
And partly I'm here to confide in you, my fellow freaks. Because, underneath my calm, good-natured exterior I'm really quite angry and about the way I've been treated all my life. Constantly excluded from the normal social world; so often finding myself hated by people despite doing nothing (that I'm aware of) to trigger it; finding it very hard to fit into work environments. About the latter, it's almost comical the way that some companies preach a very accommodating ethic, yet they can be so unyielding when presented with Asperger's type behaviour. I work in IT, and a previous large company I worked for had a procedure where new software requirements were discussed round a table with the in-house clients. I'd just joined this software development team, so I was a newbie to the platform in question. My two fellow developers had years of experience. And yet I found myself being reprimanded for not "saying stuff" in the meetings. Reprimanded!!! How can that happen??? This newbie, trying his best to understand the requirements, which he hasn't seen until sitting there in the meeting, and trying to digest what the experienced developers are saying about how the requirements can be accommodated into the existing system. All this uses every modicum of my conscious focus. And yet I'm expected to say stuff as well??? To make useful remarks??? It even got to the stage where I found myself threatened with disciplinary action over it - which prompted my resignation. (And that really sucks, considering that my computer programming abilities were second to none).
Anyone might say "Why not just tell them you have Asperger's syndrome?" Well it's never been as simple as that. In fact, it's a lose-lose situation. If I tell them I have Asperger's then, yes, they'll be obliged to make special allowances. But the payback is that my personality, as seen by others, is lost. Everything I do will be scrutinised as "is that because he has Asperger's syndrome?" Going from being seen as just a weird person, I'm instead perceived as disabled ...a cripple. Little short of a "retard".
And that's also the strange irony with Asperger's... socially I am a "retard" (although not so much now, as I've learnt to adapt). But other skills I have are significantly superior to the average person's. I.e. my design skills; my spatial awareness; my ability to conceptualise 3-d structures in my mind, my ability to construct algorithms. Sorry, I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet, just to convey the fact that although I have deficiencies in some ways, I also have other abilities that more than compensate.
It angers me that I (we) have been forced to operate in a world that doesn't understand us, doesn't appreciate us, and to have to bend ourselves to fit into it. We shouldn't be seen as misfits. We should be proud members of our own Asperger's species. Because that's really what it amounts to - we are different to them, but very consistent among ourselves.
I certainly wouldn't want to be any other way. To be "normal" would mean being a completely different person, and losing the things about myself which I regards as most precious. What I'd like is to see Asperger's being more widely recognised and appreciated. Not as a disability, but instead as a respectable "differentness".
Hi - welcome aboard.
Your post reflects my experience in the workplace too. I'm a CEng but I've spent my life being used and abused by the NTs because of my Asperger's.
Can you be absolutely sure, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that they used and abused you because you have Asperger or could it maybe have been that in those situations you were unable to stand up for yourself?
If your theory is true, it would mean that they would use and abuse me as well but I can assure you, they wouldn't, so there’s a flaw in your theory.
I don't want to insult you, but you seem live in a tiny bubble and are totally clueless and unable to understand anyone else's lives - especially those with responsibilities.
If you actually understood the weaknesses that Asperger people have with communication when they are being manipulated by narcissists then you wouldn't post such facile statements.
BlueRay said:At least I haven't had any death threats this time and I don't think I quiet got to be in the number one most hated person status on here so maybe that's a clue to get out before it gets to that stage!
BlueRay you are a great support to me and I often picture you stomping your Aspie self in your wellies, and it always makes me smile...
keep being deviantly YOU!
BlueRay is currently helping me a great deal at the moment to escape from a narcissist. Her support, personal experience and reading material have helped a great deal.
Happy trolling boys!
I understand what you are saying about personally choosing to see yourself as a victim or not, but that’s not the only way you can be a victim by definition, and therefore what you have said about victims could be quite hurtful to some people. Can you not see that.
’You say you blamed somebody and then you forgave them but that you won’t forget what they did.
So in short. You hold that person responsible for how you feel? They made you feel bad and just to prove how bad they made you feel, you will go on feeling bad for the rest of your life, even after the other person has long even forgotten the incident.’
That is offensive and unnecessarily judgmental BlueRay I said that I couldn’t forget i.e. I can’t make the memories that I have disappear at my whim. If I could then I would, but I’ve not yet found a way to produce that amnesia. Do you not remember bad things in your life?!
I’m not out to ‘prove’ anything with my feelings. I’m mentally ill and trying my best to work through that to recover, all utterly unbeknownst to the individuals I am still in legal proceedings against. It is not their business after all. But thanks for dictating to me, a suicidal person, that ‘you will go on feeling bad for the rest of your life’. It appears that despite my efforts, I’m such a terrible person in my and your eyes, so I may as well end it now! And my forgiveness did come from my heart actually - I’m not a disingenuous person and I don’t appreciate it being implied that I am for no reason whatsoever.
It’s a shame you felt you were defending yourself, when in reality I was attempting to have a polite conversation with you about a particular point you made. You appear unwilling to accept that we clearly just have different understandings of the meaning of the word victim and now you have taken offence from my attempt to explain this and insulted me about things in my life, that you know extremely little about. We’ve had conversations before and agreed to disagree, so I don’t know what’s different here - perhaps the messages from others who went before?
FYI, I don’t consider myself a victim personally, but legally I am.
Yo freaks! Indeed
i use the forum as I try to existence in a world that can’t accept difference.
this for me is a huge sanctuary where I hoped we helped and accepted each other. This is nasty. :(
Thanks Eli, but it's ok. I understand that because I experience the world differently, in a way that goes against how some people see the world, things can get a little crazy sometimes. It's never ALL the people but when I start feeling like I'm defending myself, it doesn't feel good and I think that, that feeling is a good indication for me to get out now before things get crazier (I'm learning ️)
I'll still check in so please continue to use the private messaging thing and I'm still planning to come n see you. I just don't feel good defending myself and saying such ridiculous things such as 'I am good with people blah blah blah' it's silly.
I still love this site and as we know, it's super valuable, especially when we're going through difficult times, so please don't somehow get your big elephant body tangled up in this! Now I have an image, of you as Eli, getting all tangled up with crazy string!
Anyway, I have more important dilemmas ~ I want to go out and actually eat something today but I want some cappuccinos as well, and I can't think of a place that has good food and good coffee ano I f I go to one place for food and another for coffee, which do I get first ♀️~ see, I have much more important things to deal with.
Ill check out hire cars as well today X
I’m not trolling, I was trying to have a polite conversation with BlueRay about the fact that we clearly have a different understanding of the word ‘victim’, and I attempted to explain this as best I could.
Instead of acknowledging this though, and agreeing to disagree as we have done previously, she has now made rude remarks to me about my feelings and refused to speak to me anymore. I at no point made any accusatory comments towards her and tried to keep our conversation civil, so I wasn’t expecting that...
But sorry if I’m a terrible person for anything I said.
What I said is NOT offensive. Just because you took offence does not make it offensive. I could say the very same thing to somebody else, which I have, of course, many times, and they did not take offence, so therefore what I said is not offensive. Although of course I know that people can take offence, but that's a different thing altogether.
So what I said wasn't offensive, or judgemental, that is simply how you understood it to be. And instead of telling me I'm being offensive and judgemental, why not take a look at you and ask, why, are you offended? That will give you some clues, if you look deep and hard enough and long enough, as to the cause of your suffering. Of course, you don't have to do that. I'm not telling you to do that. It's just one of the techniques that I used to get myself out of suffering and into happiness.
There is no such thing as a terrible person, in my eyes, there are just people, and from the way that I see the world, we are all exactly the same. There are no good, bad or ugly. We are all the same, 100%.
I didn't imply anything about you and I put question marks behind all my guessing, as I was trying to help you figure out where the cause of your suffering is coming from, so you can put an end to it.
I haven't taken any offence at all to anything you have said but I would have to be completely brain dead to not understand we had different ways of understanding the word victim and as far as I was concerned, we were simply discussing that. I can easily see your view of the word, I was simply trying to show you how I see the word, which is not an easy task when the person explaining lives in the fourth and other dimensions and the person trying to understand it, lives in the third.
I'm not leaving this site because of you. I've enjoyed our conversation, thoroughly. I don't think we have to agree to disagree on anything because why do we've have to agree anything? I wasn't trying to explain my meaning to you so you'd agree with me, but to simply help you to understand my view. If it is helpful to you to see a different perspective, good, but if it isn't, that is equally as good. I don't want people to agree with me, what would be the point in that? I had no idea you thought I was maybe trying to get you to agree with me!
Amyway, like I said, my leaving the site has definitely not got anything to do with you. I have thoroughly enjoyed our conversation and, as always, I've learned a lot. You haven't done anything to upset me or make me feel like I want to leave the site. I think we were simply engaged in an enjoyable conversation ~ not many people go the distance with me in a conversation as their minds tend to shut off at a certain point so the fact you continued, shows me you have an open mind because I am not an easy person to be understood. I understand people who live in the third dimension, which is where most people live, but they will struggle to understand me, it takes patience and perseverance to understand me when you're coming from the third dimension but it's not impossible.
Anyway, all the best with whatever you've got going on. I suspect that if we were to sit down and chat, face to face, we'd have some great conversations because you clearly do have an open mind. If anything I have said has offended you or that you felt was judgemental, please know, that was never my intention. Like you, I just saw it as two friends chatting.
Take care and you know, bad times do pass. I sincerely hope yours pass sooner rather than later and that the future is much brighter. Much love and again, thank you for such an enjoyable and stimulating conversation.
BlueRay please don’t leave, you are entitled to your thoughts and beliefs as much as any one else, yes often misunderstandings occcur, How I se you is you are trying to be you, I am also, that takes a massive amount of courage,
I can only try to believe in myself, my past dictates wphow that will be,
carry in being you, if your words do sound as telling others , then so be it, it isn’t by the way, it is you trying to have strength in your belief in yourself, take that away and there is nothing,
everyine in here tries as best we can to understand each other, we mostly all have underlying reasons to vent, how our beliefs are structured, we cope as best we can with whatever little we have left,
some turn to religion in order to believe,
some turn to hatred for those that slighted them, you need to have live, to deny those that throughout your life caused you pain and suffering, you need to let go of it, it ests st you, you must do whatever you must to stop that, you are, it may not be what others need or agree with but I respect your beliefs because it is what YOU need and is all you can BE.
I do see how you think, I agree with most of it, not all, but I know you have spent eighteen months in complete and utter shut down, to arise from that like a phoenix you can only do, believe and be what you can.
I accept all in here for who they are, I don’t need to agree with them, but they have as much right to exist as me.
I hope we can all just stop and see that none of us wishes to upset another, we do our best, we support one another, we need to be strong, try to understand why each person holds there belief and see that as their way of coping,
The many conversations we have wander off topic, why not, if the original post allows someone to talk freely about issues they have then fine, it also allows me to see why they struggle or how they are trying to make sense of life, I too am struggling, I get support from people in here,
long may it continue and can we have a massive group hug , without lots of words,
You are not a terrible person, none of us are, we are all trying our best to come to understand a world that doesn’t accept us,
please know you are a kind and caring person just like BlueRay is, we have to sometimes be strong in how we believe, not give in, that can cause misunderstandings of pushing a belief on someone,for far too long we are the weak who just accept things because we are wrong, here we need to believe who we are, we need to hang on to whatever we see gives us understanding,
please you are all lovely kind people,
Stay cool, Sister.
And keep on being BlueRay.
Is that Kate Moss?
I can’t tell. If it is, (or even if it’s not lol), we also share another of our foot wear.
I’ve got a pair of handmade Tricker boots which apparently Kate Moss wears as well!
The Tricker boots are very nice but in all the years I’ve had them, I have probably worn them half a dozen times at most.
They’re just not as easy to get on and off as the wellies, they’re not as much fun to wear and they don’t go through puddles and mud in the way that only my wellies can :) and they’re not as cool in my opinion anyway