Yo freaks

I was diagnosed with Asperger's around ten years ago, at the age of forty.  Up until then I'd only heard occasional references to it, yet they all matched up with me so well that I felt I needed to find out for sure, so got a referral from my G.P.

And it was a revelation to me, discovering that I'm not just a bundle of random weirdness, but actually a very consistent specimen of the Asperger's species.

Partly why I've joined this forum is a phrase that's kept ringing in my head "Normal people scare me".  For a long time I didn't know what it referred to, and yet, it really struck a chord.  Not that I'm outwardly "scared", but certainly there's an underlying nervousness whenever I have to interact with anyone other than family or very close friends.  And looking the phrase up, yes, I discover it's the name of a documentary film all about the Autistic spectrum.

And partly I'm here to confide in you, my fellow freaks.  Because, underneath my calm, good-natured exterior I'm really quite angry and about the way I've been treated all my life.  Constantly excluded from the normal social world; so often finding myself hated by people despite doing nothing (that I'm aware of) to trigger it; finding it very hard to fit into work environments.  About the latter, it's almost comical the way that some companies preach a very accommodating ethic, yet they can be so unyielding when presented with Asperger's type behaviour.  I work in IT, and a previous large company I worked for had a procedure where new software requirements were discussed round a table with the in-house clients.  I'd just joined this software development team, so I was a newbie to the platform in question.  My two fellow developers had years of experience.  And yet I found myself being reprimanded for not "saying stuff" in the meetings.  Reprimanded!!!  How can that happen???  This newbie, trying his best to understand the requirements, which he hasn't seen until sitting there in the meeting, and trying to digest what the experienced developers are saying about how the requirements can be accommodated into the existing system.  All this uses every modicum of my conscious focus.  And yet I'm expected to say stuff as well???  To make useful remarks???  It even got to the stage where I found myself threatened with disciplinary action over it - which prompted my resignation.  (And that really sucks, considering that my computer programming abilities were second to none).

Anyone might say "Why not just tell them you have Asperger's syndrome?"  Well it's never been as simple as that.  In fact, it's a lose-lose situation.  If I tell them I have Asperger's then, yes, they'll be obliged to make special allowances.  But the payback is that my personality, as seen by others, is lost.  Everything I do will be scrutinised as "is that because he has Asperger's syndrome?"  Going from being seen as just a weird person, I'm instead perceived as disabled ...a cripple.  Little short of a "retard".

And that's also the strange irony with Asperger's... socially I am a "retard" (although not so much now, as I've learnt to adapt).  But other skills I have are significantly superior to the average person's.  I.e. my design skills; my spatial awareness; my ability to conceptualise 3-d structures in my mind, my ability to construct algorithms.  Sorry, I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet, just to convey the fact that although I have deficiencies in some ways, I also have other abilities that more than compensate.

It angers me that I (we) have been forced to operate in a world that doesn't understand us, doesn't appreciate us, and to have to bend ourselves to fit into it.  We shouldn't be seen as misfits.  We should be proud members of our own Asperger's species.  Because that's really what it amounts to - we are different to them, but very consistent among ourselves.

I certainly wouldn't want to be any other way.  To be "normal" would mean being a completely different person, and losing the things about myself which I regards as most precious.  What I'd like is to see Asperger's being more widely recognised and appreciated.  Not as a disability, but instead as a respectable "differentness".

Parents Reply

  • In terms of coming to an understanding and a comprehension of the autistic communication glitches here occurring, consider perhaps:


    And all I’m effectively saying here, is if I blame somebody else for anything to do with me or my life, I instantly become a victim and other people will then treat me as a victim and it’s a vicious cycle. 

    Is sound reasoning.


    If on the other hand, I take responsibility for myself, whether I like what is happening to me or not and whether I can do anything about it or not, that doesn’t come into this.

    Is sound reasoning again.


    The second I blame somebody else, I give away any power I had and I become a victim and from there on end the story is predictable. Victims don’t achieve anything much in life because they have already given away any power they had and might have built on, because it was less painful to blame somebody else than admitting I’m absolutely hopeless with communication, I have no idea why, I don’t understand what’s going on with me or why people are treating me like this, I don’t know where to get help  etc etc and deciding to do something about it rather than blame others, which sets my fate pretty clearly. 

    Is in part unsound reasoning regarding how much 'Victims' achieve, as no one ever gives their power away.

    Life is all about discovering and learning what 'is' to be done, and what is 'not' to be done ~ involving the power that is embodied life-long in and on through the mind-body relationship.

    In though that 'Victims' are forced as such to be by 'Persecutors', involving the trinity of Elitism as being  sexism, ageism and tribalism, it is not unusual that by example some 'Victims' learn the ways of and become 'Persecutors' and 'Rescuers' in order to feel superior (or least mediocre) rather than inferior ~ in terms of having been by others and themselves invested in these socially shared and habitually enforced transactional roles.

    Each societal role as such depends or relies upon the other as involving not unusually quite substantial amounts of pain and suffering, and stating / inferring (as seemed to to others) that this is unproductive or unnecessary devalues it ~ as thereby devalues the life experience of those habitually traumatised and invested since childhood into performing the roles of 'Victim', 'Persecutor' and 'Saviour'.

    Consider for instance:


    Victims

    The stance of the victim is “poor me!” Victims see themselves as victimized, oppressed, powerless, helpless, hopeless, dejected, and ashamed, and come across as “super-sensitive,” wanting kid glove treatment from others. They can deny any responsibility for their negative circumstances and deny possession of the power to change those circumstances.

    A person in the victim role will look for a rescuer, a saviour, to save them (and if someone refuses or fails to do that, can quickly perceive them now as a persecutor.)

    In terms of derailing resilience, victims have real difficulties making decisions, solving problems, finding much pleasure in life, or understanding their self-perpetuating behaviours.

    Rescuers

    The stance of the rescuer is “Let me help you!” Rescuers work hard to help and caretake other people, and even need to help other people to feel good about themselves, while neglecting their own needs or not taking responsibility for meeting their own needs.

    Rescuers are classically co-dependent and enablers. They need victims to help and often can’t allow the victim to succeed or get better. They can use guilt o keep their victims dependent and feel guilty themselves if they are not rescuing somebody.

    In terms of derailing resilience, rescuers are frequently harried, overworked, tired, caught in a martyr style while resentment festers underneath.

    Persecutors

    The stance of the persecutor is “It’s all your fault!” Persecutors criticize and blame the victim, set strict limits, can be controlling, rigid, authoritative, angry and unpleasant. They keep the victim feeling oppressed through threats and bullying.

    In terms of resilience, persecutors can’t bend, can’t be flexible, can’t be vulnerable, can’t be human; they fear the risk of being a victim themselves. Persecutors yell and criticize but they don’t actually solve any problems or help anyone else solve the problem.

    These are the most extreme versions of these three roles, but we can encounter people playing milder versions of these roles on a pretty regular basis.

    https://lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/


    And:


    The three roles on the victim triangle are Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and described them as being the three aspects, or faces of victim. No matter where we may start out on the triangle, victim is where we end up, therefore no matter what role we’re in on the triangle, we’re in victimhood. If we’re on the triangle we’re living as victims, plain and simple!

    https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/


    The basic glitch in society is the delusion that "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth" means accepting that one abuse permits another abuse, all big and repetitive Stockholm Syndrome session.

    Only it is known that putting the enlightening I in place of the benighting I; reveals the difference between healthy and  diseased wisdom, so that less compassionate blindness and less intimate hunger is recognised as a realistic choice.

    Drawing attention to the prevalence of abusive conformity in order to instead appreciate and celebrate individuality as being sacred, is by no means an easy task, and you chose to do so.

    Yay  as an individual, and as community member please stay as that would be another yay! Okay?


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