Cycles of dysregulation?

Max has left the platform (them/they) said:

Thank you for the info. I didn't know they'd worked out what percentage we process in comparison with NT's. Facts make me feel better. :) 

You are welcome! I like facts too, I am glad they help you feel better!

Oh I didn’t realise you live alone, sorry I didn’t give you more relevant advice.

 I don’t use noise cancelling headphones, but I don’t think they should be making a whistling sound. I have heard of Loop earplugs, apparently they are great!

https://www.loopearplugs.com/collections/all?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=trgt_uk_search_brand_loopearplugs&gbraid=0AAAAACj0PVy6rZHhx6Y5ygvok_poO2rru&gclid=Cj0KCQiAr8eqBhD3ARIsAIe-buNCwDaDMEYGXjCVLv-zVyLQOvX6vOmU_E_nYIuMaQimTxvincsTWXwaAo5lEALw_wcB

Thank you EuanF . I did eventually calm down, walked the dog and started painting the walls. Painting turns off my brain. 

Thank you for the info. I didn't know they'd worked out what percentage we process in comparison with NT's. Facts make me feel better. :) 

I don't live with anyone, unless you count the pets and I don't think they'll listen to a request to not need a wee and be let out lol. It's a nice thought tho! The dog is learning not to get up when I first get up and stays on the bed while I make a drink and come back. The cat wants out, so he can have an hour in the garden if he wants to get wet! 

Do you have noise cancelling headphones? The ones I have produce a high pitched whistle when turned on (yep I can hear electrical items). Do you know if that's how they work or if it's cos they are cheap?

I calmed down eventually, but of course have no energy after all that. I've been painting the walls with a small paintbrush to keep occupied. Stops me thinking lol. 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds enormously difficult. I know the feeling of having that horrible and relentless critical voice in the head. Thank you for sharing with us, I hope youve gotten to a more neutral place at the moment. Please take care. 

I am so sorry you had a huge meltdown earlier, I hope you feel a little calmer now?

Max has left the platform (them/they) said:

So I feel even more alone and a burden. I probably won't talk to the person I reached out to this morning for a week because I'm so tired of running to her aid but no-one comes to mine because of my behaviours. 

I completely understand why you may feel this way. However you are definitely not a burden, please be kind to yourself and engage in some autistic self care in whatever form that may take. A meltdown is an completely involuntary response to nervous system overload. Please don’t blame yourself.

Your meltdown is very understandable, as soon as we wake up we are constantly bombarded with processing demands. This is heightened for us as autistics as we consciously process 42% more information than non autistics at resting rate.

In terms of other ideas, what about using noise cancelling headphones as soon as you wake up? Also, what about asking others that live with you to minimise interaction with you?

Maybe you could ask them to only communicate with you in writing or text messages in the morning? This could help reduce auditory overload.

 I hope some of these ideas are helpful for you!

I will try and implement your ideas when I'm not stuck on absolute self hatred. What you're saying makes sense but I am on such a hair trigger I can start melting down the moment I swing my legs out of bed. Today's trigger was being so desperate for a pee I walked into the door and hurt myself. Cue "you're a stupid little #### can't you do anything right?" And leading to a full hour of self injury and sobbing telling a photo of my mother how "I'm sorry I didn't mean to do it" like I did when my parents beat me. and wishing I'd not survived the complications at birth. 

Cptsd+ autism combo I think is responsible.

Truth is I've made morning playlists and just end up screaming at Google to turn them off its too much. Today I've ended up in bed again for another 6 hours, my guts are too hot, my feet are freezing, and the wind outside already makes me want to punch my ears in do I can't hear it. I had the mother of all meltdowns when I tried getting up earlier (only to pee and make a drink) that I'll have facial bruises for a week and my stomach is purple from the hits. But there's no help out there for people like me, or so I'm told by every service I approach. I feel utterly broken and alone because I reach out very badly when dysregulated and no-one will respond to me in that state. So I feel even more alone and a burden. I probably won't talk to the person I reached out to this morning for a week because I'm so tired of running to her aid but no-one comes to mine because of my behaviours. 

I can relate to this, more recently specifically it's like I wake up and walk into a room that's been hit by an earthquake and there's a chaos of things all over the floor. Except the room is my head and the things all over the floor are my disregulated thoughts and emotions. 

I can only say what has worked for me recently, but I've created a fixed routine in the morning. Wake up, out of bed as soon as possible (gets harder in the colder months), go to the bathroom, make tea, head back to bed and do a quick 5-10min meditation. I usually do this with nature sounds playing through headphones (I.e. Rain sounds, bird songs, general calming things), and gentle lighting (candles that I like the smell of). Then I have a face wash, cold water on the face has a 'reset' effect that helps. Then I write in my journal, juet listing down the feelings I'm having in the moment, maybe some prominent thoughts. I find it helps regulate them, just to notice and jot the feelings down without trying to manipulate them. 

I don't know if any of that may help you or may be worth giving a go. Different things work for different people, but the morning times are so difficult and I've found having some sort of slow build up routine has helped. 

Max has left the platform (them/they) said:

I don't need to be more alert, I need everything you need less intense and easier to manage in the mornings.

Yes I completely understand what you mean. What about waking up to some calming music in the morning?

That's interesting. I don't need to be more alert, I need everything you need less intense and easier to manage in the mornings. It really feels like every single day is a battle that I lose.

Thank you for replying. At the moment I feel completely unable to get into a healthy cycle. It's 6.30am and I've been awake for an hour in pain despite going to bed at 11. I'm so tired of being tired. Part of my trouble is I firmly believe I don't deserve to be better. I think I am being punished for being a terrible person and that everything is my fault. 

Hi Max 

I understand that you feel dysregulated because of all the above reasons. Did you also know that cortisol levels (the stress hormone) are at their highest first thing in morning? This is especially true if you have not slept well. The cortisol levels are highest in the morning in order to help you feel more alert.

I suggest this as it might be a contributing factor.

I also feel very stressed in the morning sometimes, you are not alone!

This used to happen to me every weekday morning when I worked in an office. Having to get up before my body clock would naturally wake me, using public transport, and then walking into an open-plan office full of 'friendly' people used to nearly send me round the bend- if my journey went even slightly wrong I'd be ready to snap.

Nowadays I start my day about an hour later as I work from home. I walk my dog, then I make breakfast for him and for myself, and then once I'm fed and hydrated I can get on with my day. I do still struggle if I've slept badly or I'm having a chronic illness flare, but it's a lot easier to get back on track the next day instead of spiralling now I'm able to attend to my needs properly (food, drink, natural light, gentle exercise).