Day 1 : Feeling both optimistic and terrified

The most important thing is that you're back, not that you're back at day 1. Start again. We're not judging.

It seems that weekends are the danger zones for you. I think you also mentioned you were going to be alone at the weekend, which adds to the danger.

Next time you know you're going to be alone over a weekend, potentially vulnerable to a relapse, why not take yourself away somewhere. Maybe something random like a yoga retreat or art workshop in a location in the middle of nowhere, somewhere you will have some distraction and there are others around to be accountable to.

sometimes it is only when you have sunk so low that your feet touch down on the bottom of the sea and you get to realise the only way is up.

Feel the bottom (oh err missus!) and swim. It gets better.

Dogtooth, you have no reason to apologise to us.

I think the way you're feeling is understandable, but try to cut yourself some slack and stop being so hard on yourself. We haven't given up on you, so please don't give up on yourself.

Sending you virtual hugs, and just to say that I'm relieved you're still here.

Hello everyone, 

So i failed miserably and am back at day 1. 

I have a little exit bag i keep with everything in it for a pain free, guaranteed goodbye. Saturday i was seriously considering it for the first time in a long time. Before anyone feels the need to pull the alarm bell, my psychiatrist and therapist are aware and its being managed. 

Im not saying this for sympathy, or attention. Just that i let myself and everyone down and am thinking maybe i am just a junkie. Maybe im one that cant be helped. 

Anyway im still here. A little less hopeful and a little more broken but here nonetheless. 

So dont even worry ok. What will be will be. i am taking another run at this. Im not being flippant on purpose. I am taking it seriously. Im just exhausted and beaten right now. 

Sorry everyone. 

Good luck - sounds like a good idea :) 

How are you doing Dogtooth? Hope you're feeling fine and having a good time! 

Autumn_Trees said:

the idea of going and taking part in something communal, where there is a greater purpose than yourself can really help to take you out of your own head and obsessing about things

I think this is very true and a helpful observation.

Hey Dogtooth, 

How's it going? 

I have been on this road ~many times~ that first day or two is so tough. There's a weird part where you feel elated for making the decision but so scared in case you can't stick to it. 

The simple fact is: the longer you're clean and sober, the easier it gets. The thing that trips a lot of people up is they struggle so much in the early days, they slip and go back to square one, only to do it again. This means they're always doing the 'hardest bit' and never getting to the easier bit. 

IT WILL GET EASIER. It might be hard to imagine it right now, but it is the fact. 

Are you into the idea of going to meetings? I don't actually believe in the whole 12 step thing (no offense to anyone reading this who swears by them, I know they help a lot of people) but the idea of going and taking part in something communal, where there is a greater purpose than yourself can really help to take you out of your own head and obsessing about things. Also - it is *something* to do. You say you'll be alone this weekend, maybe going to a few meetings might help fill up your time. 

One of the hardest things when I went through all this (repeatedly) was suddenly all this free time I had when I'd otherwise usually be using. Filling that time is crucial. Staying busy is key. Idle hands wander. 

Keep us posted mate!

Good luck for the weekend mate (you don't need the luck) you CAN DO THIS! If you need any support over the weekend come here and we'll help you through it.

Thanks Sparkly. 

Im currently working through day 3. Totally sober, 

My wife is away this weekend so first big challenge ahead but im feeling reasonably confident i can manage to stay clean and dry!!!!!

Happy Belated Anniversary to you and your wife Dogtooth.

As for your addiction issues, we (your NAS family) are all rooting for you.

Wishing you the very best of luck on your journey. You CAN do this! 

Thanks for your message. 

I actually feel better about things than i have in many months. 

I really think this time i have the right mental state to tackle this for good. Ive hit my bottom and wallowed there long enough. Time to swim for the surface. 

Dear Dogtooth,

We are really sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time at the moment.

Organisations such as the Frank Drugs Helpline have services that provide help and support with addiction through call, text and email.

If you are having a difficult time, you can call the Samaritans any time, day or night, on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

Other helplines and listening services:

• Mind Infoline: 0300 1233393 for information and signposting (9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday)
• SANEline: 0300 304 7000 for anyone experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else (4.30pm to 10.30pm, every day)
• Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men 0800 58 58 58, (5pm to midnight every day).  
• Shout 85258 a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone who is struggling to cope.

If you feel you need more urgent help, our website lists some options you could consider https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help 

Kind Regards,

Rosie Mod

Thank you. 

Im sick of the cycle to be honest. I gave up for 8 months before, and stupidly started again. So im determined now. 

All the money i would have spent is going in my Goat fund 

Well done! We're all rooting for you.

Just a quick update. 

Im here. Day 2. Still sober. 

Today is a better day than yesterday. 

I do wish you luck DT (probably not the best name to call you right now!)

I'm now over 1 year sober.  If I can do it, then you can too.  It IS worth the effort mate.  Everyday you wake up, there is a kind of pride and sense of achievement = one more day of conquering myself is under my belt.  It does get easier to remain abstinent.

Interestingly, nothing is particularly easier, clearer nor simpler for me sober.  My head is still a tumble drier......I still doubt myself A LOT.  I still forget things, I still become upset and dysfunctional.

However......I am significantly calmer and more predictable to myself.  I am significantly less poor (booze is expensive!). I am able to rationalise my thoughts and behaviours more acutely now too......so all in, in my opinion, stick with the sobriety brother.

Sending you genuinely positive and supportive vibes.....and my very best wishes.

Number.

Dogtooth said:

Two hours sober. The crushing guilt has hit me hard but again im owning it. My wife deserves better. 

Both she and you understand addiction and how hard it is to deal with which is a real positive oddly enough.

It is never going to be easy to deal with and there are probably going to be slips so make sure you are prepared to deal with them and get help.

If you are not yet with a group like narcotics anonymous then I would suggest joining and getting a mentor. They will have been there like you and can support you when you need it and help you keep clean when you waver.

It is great your wife supports you so make sure you are good to her as often as possible and tell her how much it means to you, but put the effort in to be better for her. She is a good reason to stay sober so keep a reminder of her somewhere you will come across when you next get the urge to slip.

Maybe write yourself a letter to read the next time you are thinking of popping out for that next fix - it may make a difference.

Look back at the event and consider if there was any trigger that caused the relapse so you can learn to avoid it in future. It is done and cannot be changed so use it as a learning event and a driver to be better.

For now, get back on the wagon and tell your wife how much you love her and demonstrate your attempts to get sober are serious.

Addictin sucks big time, but you can beat it one day at a time.

Thank you. 

I am fully in the comedown now and feel absolutely rubbish. Im trying to appreciate this feeling, as i have earned it. When i finally pop out the other side it will have been worth it. 

Two hours sober. The crushing guilt has hit me hard but again im owning it. My wife deserves better. 

Good luck! I'm sure you can do this.