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Day 1 : Feeling both optimistic and terrified

Dogtooth

So,

Im going to be 100% honest here. 

Those that know me know i have addiction issues, and not just a little bit. I am fed up with having the meltdowns like last week. Yesterday was my 14 year anniversary so me and my wife went for dinner and a few drinks. 

She knows about my issues, but knows i am trying, so she supports rather than scolds me. When we got home i found a reason to 'pop' out and bought some cocaine. Not proud, but the truth. 

I have finished it, and have no substances or alcohol in the house. Im at work sitting at my desk with the usual train of thoughts going round my head and i made a decision. 100 days totally sober. 

Ive text my wife and told her and she agrees it will be a good idea and is going to join me. 

So this is it. Hour 1 of day 1. 

Its quite nice in a way to think this could be the last comedown i ever have. 

Wish me luck. 

Dog

Parents

  • Hello everyone, 

    So i failed miserably and am back at day 1. 

    I have a little exit bag i keep with everything in it for a pain free, guaranteed goodbye. Saturday i was seriously considering it for the first time in a long time. Before anyone feels the need to pull the alarm bell, my psychiatrist and therapist are aware and its being managed. 

    Im not saying this for sympathy, or attention. Just that i let myself and everyone down and am thinking maybe i am just a junkie. Maybe im one that cant be helped. 

    Anyway im still here. A little less hopeful and a little more broken but here nonetheless. 

    So dont even worry ok. What will be will be. i am taking another run at this. Im not being flippant on purpose. I am taking it seriously. Im just exhausted and beaten right now. 

    Sorry everyone. 

  • in reply to Dogtooth

    Dogtooth, you have no reason to apologise to us.

    I think the way you're feeling is understandable, but try to cut yourself some slack and stop being so hard on yourself. We haven't given up on you, so please don't give up on yourself.

    Sending you virtual hugs, and just to say that I'm relieved you're still here.

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