I have a partner who is high functioning and very intelligent. I love him dearly. We are trying to negotiate having a relationship and I really struggle with several issues.
Anyone else here have strategies that work or an insight from the other side so to speak?
Thank you
I believe I'm autistic, too, but on the waiting list to receive an official diagnosis at the age of 54.
I've been married for a long time, my partner does not have autism, but has learnt to deal with me over the years. Autism is so complex & we are all different. I can be over sensitive at times, also can take words literally, if someone tells me that they're going to do something, they don't, I struggle to understand why. I can also struggle with humour & sarcasm, knowing the boundaries.
I'm very happy within my own family bubble, but can struggle outside of it. I have empathy though & am a very loving person. I've also learnt not to be too full on with my wife at times & also give her space when she needs it, which can be difficult if I'm trying to make a point, that point may be extremely important to me, but less so for my wife.
With regards to your original question it's probably best to just be open & honest with your partner, tell him how you feel & what you'd like to achieve together. Then just listen to what he has to say, as both of your feelings are equally as important.
Hi Roy, I totally get the sensory overload, I have some video that I show to some of my parents that tries to emulate the level of input being out and about has. To be honest I am in awe that you go out at all. My partner often just goes quiet, I will ask him if this is too much input or me not being explicit enough, thank you.
Thank you a thoughtful response. One of the strategies I use is to write things down so he has time to read it and reflect. This works well up to a point. He actually needs to be next to me if I am in the house. I am gently trying to have some time to myself and I understand this is a way he is showing me that he cares, it can be a bit much all the time.
If I am brutally honest I am going to have to live with the lack of tactile response and it is actually this that will be the deal breaker. At least I have learnt to say I am going to hug you now is that ok and get a little.
We are both intelligent beings and I think it is a strong relationship in so many ways…we will find a way between us.
Hi, I’m autistic and my wife isn’t, you haven’t said which areas you are struggling with, I get told by my wife that I don’t show her love. I do but I just express it differently. We had our wedding anniversary this week, I bought her a card and flowers, I made the comment that I had done well and ticked all the boxes. The evening went down hill as I don’t really like going out. Days like these have expectations which autistic people sometimes don’t get what the rules are, just the day being different is hard for me. I get told that I never hug, it’s a big sensory overload. I’ve found now that explaining how I am affected helps, my communication isn’t very good and I go quiet, my wife then thinks I’m trying to be awkward, with now explaining how I feel it saves a lot of arguments. Things like a hug, she now just asks beforehand.
Neurotypical people tend to need reassurances about relationships that seem superfluous to most autistics. Once a relationship is acknowledged, autistic people tend to view it as fixed and unchanging, "I told you I love you, why do I need to say so again?" It often that autistic people feel other people's distress too much, and shut down to some extent; because they cannot cope with the feeling, they then come across as being cold, when the opposite is true.
You are describing my husband to a T. In our last argument, I wrote him a letter. I told him exactly what impact his words had, how it made me sad and specifically what behaviour I wanted him to change. It worked brilliantly for a few months - and I’m getting to the point where he might need a reminder. I also give him lots of space. I tell him my needs (e.g I need a hug or on Friday get ready for a shag!) When he’s curt or short, I ignore it - it’s not him being short or not interested.
Oh yes I forgot about needing to be told, especially where other people’s feelings are involved. If you’re not crying I am not going to notice that you’re feeling down unless you talk to me about it
Ask your questions, we'll try to answer...I'm an autistic woman whose been in relationships with both ND and NT guys.
Number one golden rule for me would be: be explicit. We love and deeply as much as anyone else and contrary to popular opinion empathise profoundly. But if you don't say it very clearly we might not know what you feel/ want/ need.
When you are sad, say so. When you need a thing, ask etc. You'll find many of us will bend over backward to meet your need, but we might not know you have it unless you say so.
Rule number 2: even the socially reasonably confident, like me, will get pretty tired from lots of social interaction. It takes a lot out of us to do the social graces. If he needs to dip out sometimes, don't take it amiss. He hasn't gone off you, he just needs to recharge away from people pressure.
It's lovely to hear NTs wanting to know more about our way of seeing the world btw. We spend a life time learning NT ways and trying to accomodate. It's nice to be met half way. It makes life for all of us less bumpy.
Emotion - some neurodivergent people can’t feel emotion or can’t recognise their emotions, it’s called alexithymia. Sometimes I have to think really hard for a few days to realise what I’m feeling if I’ve noticed a change in my behaviour. Is he showing he cares in different ways? He may not be touchy freely due to sensory issues or comfortable talking about feelings but may show it through actions or the things he is comfortable sharing with you that he wouldn’t share with others. Respecting boundaries I’m not sure I have advice about as it’s not an issue I encounter with adults (just my 5 year old!) with the communication conversations it may help to try and explain that you might need to meet in the middle (if you haven’t already) he may be feeling attacked if you are finding his communication style a problem as he may actually feel that your style of communication is the problem to him and his is fine, some compromise between you may be needed. At the end of the day communication is key to a successful relationship, there are times where things get miscommunicated between myself and my husband but most of the time we’re on the same wavelength so it works. If you’re planning a life with someone who never talks to you for example it might be worth considering whether or not it will work despite the love being there. Will you be happy to continue a long lasting relationship never moving in together if he feels he will still need his own space to escape to as some autistic people do? Or finding a large enough property that he feels safe to do that in? Have you tried writing your feelings in a letter so he can read it privately without feeling on the spot and exposed in a face to face conversation? I wish you the best of luck and hope you manage to work something out
Not able to show emotion, that he cares, respecting boundaries, and very defensive when trying to talk about how we communicate.
Are there any specific issues? Autistic people show different combinations of traits and to different degrees so it’s quite hard to give generic advice
