Having an Autistic Partner…

Are there any specific issues? Autistic people show different combinations of traits and to different degrees so it’s quite hard to give generic advice

Not able to show emotion, that he cares, respecting boundaries, and very defensive when trying to talk about how we communicate.

Not able to show emotion, that he cares, respecting boundaries, and very defensive when trying to talk about how we communicate.

Yes, it is best to be direct. If you expect the average autist to pick up on a hint, you will probably be disappointed.

I am just trying to get my head around that Martin…getting there. I ask for reassurance when I need it and he knows I need it so will give it.

Thank you a thoughtful response. One of the strategies I use is to write things down so he has time to read it and reflect. This works well up to a point. He actually needs to be next to me if I am in the house. I am gently trying to have some time to myself and I understand this is a way he is showing me that he cares, it can be a bit much all the time.

If I am brutally honest I am going to have to live with the lack of tactile response and it is actually this that will be the deal breaker. At least I have learnt to say I am going to hug you now is that ok and get a little. 

We are both intelligent beings and I think it is a strong relationship in so many ways…we will find a way between us.

Neurotypical people tend to need reassurances about relationships that seem superfluous to most autistics. Once a relationship is acknowledged, autistic people tend to view it as fixed and unchanging, "I told you I love you, why do I need to say so again?" It often that autistic people feel other people's distress too much, and shut down to some extent; because they cannot cope with the feeling, they then come across as being cold, when the opposite is true.

Emotion - some neurodivergent people can’t feel emotion or can’t recognise their emotions, it’s called alexithymia. Sometimes I have to think really hard for a few days to realise what I’m feeling if I’ve noticed a change in my behaviour. Is he showing he cares in different ways? He may not be touchy freely due to sensory issues or comfortable talking about feelings but may show it through actions or the things he is comfortable sharing with you that he wouldn’t share with others. Respecting boundaries I’m not sure I have advice about as it’s not an issue I encounter with adults (just my 5 year old!) with the communication conversations it may help to try and explain that you might need to meet in the middle (if you haven’t already) he may be feeling attacked if you are finding his communication style a problem as he may actually feel that your style of communication is the problem to him and his is fine, some compromise between you may be needed. At the end of the day communication is key to a successful relationship, there are times where things get miscommunicated between myself and my husband but most of the time we’re on the same wavelength so it works. If you’re planning a life with someone who never talks to you for example it might be worth considering whether or not it will work despite the love being there. Will you be happy to continue a long lasting relationship never moving in together if he feels he will still need his own space to escape to as some autistic people do? Or finding a large enough property that he feels safe to do that in? Have you tried writing your feelings in a letter so he can read it privately without feeling on the spot and exposed in a face to face conversation? I wish you the best of luck and hope you manage to work something out