A National Friendship Database

 ,i don't understand the friend thing , It all seens like an act that i don't know the rules to .just gets so stressful ,

 5 years ago i used to visit an end of the world cult in devon ,called twelve tribes  and they where nice to me ,i suppose that would be what having friends would be like, they pretended to care and be  interested[ but it was fake they just wanted my land and money] but it was kind of nice pretending.

I know exactly what you mean. All I want is people who understand me and care about me, a group of friends like that. But no one ever seems to like me or understand me. I have one husband and one daughter, most people who seem to be friends just suddenly dump me, I don't know why ‍♀️

I recently thought I'd been dumped, but when I finally talked it through months later with someone he said I'd misinterpretted the situation and I'd actually signalled (accidently) my backing away. 2 friends have since agreed. We're now hanging out again, albeit we haven't processed the tension so there's kinda something in our way.

People seem to move on from me. I think NTs like groups, and I'm not good at that; I'm no good at talking usual stuff like tv, popular culture, etc; I tend to do deep and meaningful and when they don't need anymore or the reminder of what they've said that they move on, or if they've told me too much they run away like they do with therapists; and people have a limit for how many people they can have intimately in their life. Bizzarley I think I have higher social demands than NTs cos maybe I don't get fulfilled from extended family n work n casual connections, and i,m compensating for childhood loneliness.

I,ve n AS friend who struggles a bit, lots of acquaintances but few friends. I can see some things he does, like I,ll say do you want to do x by text and he'll reply no. Even i know you have to signal you'd like to another time. I got very insecure with him even though it was clear i was his best friend ever.

Then another AS guy I know who can be lovely can operate in a very functional way and appear not to appreciate the relationship even though he says he's closer to me than most. But at times says stuff i find pushing away, even hurtful.

So I can see we can be clueless, and at times to blame. I'm learning to talk things through better, not get so insecure and perceive rejection where there isn't (they've just competing demands), and to make friends that will last and let go of those i hold onto.

I think my mum could have BPD or narcissism as I said. Look up narcissism, it would ring a bell with you. My dad might have been autistic...but he died 40 years ago so I can't remember much about him.

Same here. My mum doesn't know me at all, she is like an acquaintance, and it's getting worse as she gets older. I realised after I reached 20 or so, she saw me as competition. I had my very first boyfriend aged 23 and she chatted him up, went on long walks with him, sided with him to the point where I had to ask him if he wanted me or her? I can't imagine doing that with my daughter, she isn't competition, she is my baby!

@kikicat ocpd is Obsessive Compulisive Personality Disorder. Someone posted recently about it and i read the wiki on it. It shares some traits with autism but a lot of difference too. Elements seem like a mean version of autism.

@kikicat, yes, my mother gets upset if i show difference, like i don't watch tv like she does, don't like carrots like she does. It's like she can'r see me as separate. I assumed she had Borderline Personality Disorder, I don't think there's any autism there, my dad and his dad seems to have brought that.

Anger was the dominant emotion with him too. Not with me though with Mum. I think he was overwhelmed with emotions in general in himself & others and had no clue what they were let alone how to handle them. Anger was his response to the overwhelm I think which rendered him useless in ever being able to have any kind of difficult conversations or cope with anything difficult happening in his life.

The anger led to the marriage break-up which in turn closed him up even further. There was never any real bonding or affection throughout his life with any of the kids he had. He was unconsciously petrified of emotions. It wasn't like having a Father, more of a family acquaintance or something. 

It's a pity they don't teach these things in school. We'd all be a lot better off.  

I think you're right. They are either pushed around or do IT jobs. And/or an assertive woman decides to marry them and organise their lives. I've seen lots of couples where the man is an eccentric boffin, and the woman is a mother earth, friend to everyone.

My mum is like that: intelligent but no idea about emotions or feelings. She always got angry when I showed emotions or had needs which didn't correspond to hers. And she got angry when I didn't understand her needs or fit in with what she wanted to do. She's always angry, that seems to be her only emotion.

I did read it a few years ago. I identified with it but was wary of asking about autism testing at the doctors' because every other problem I've asked them about has been dismissed or even mocked.

I think I'm just too intellectual for most people, who prefer talking about celebrities. But of course I'm stuck in this backwater til my daughter leaves education. Trudging along, day by day.

What's OCPD?

Yeah, I'm definitely seeing a pattern with mental health issues of people generally running away because they don't know what the hell to do about it. My own past included. I suppose that manifests in differing ways depending on the individual. Having routines, rigid daily structures, filling every waking hour with activity, prescribed medication, self-medication of alcohol or drugs and so on. I'm glad you've found the healthy version and what works for you.

As for a cure or healing, I don't think there is one-size-fits-all, universal magic cure. At the moment I am leaning towards the idea that healing can only come about through an understanding of one's own suffering and in turn, of suffering in general. I think it's up to the individual what they do with that or what it propels them to do to find their own healing or maybe even a purpose from it. 

Yeah, I'm definitely seeing a pattern with mental health issues of people generally running away because they don't know what the hell to do about it. My own past included. I suppose that manifests in differing ways depending on the individual. Having routines, rigid daily structures, filling every waking hour with activity, prescribed medication, self-medication of alcohol or drugs and so on. I'm glad you've found the healthy version and what works for you.

As for a cure or healing, I don't think there is one-size-fits-all, universal magic cure. At the moment I am leaning towards the idea that healing can only come about through an understanding of one's own suffering and in turn, of suffering in general. I think it's up to the individual what they do with that or what it propels them to do to find their own healing or maybe even a purpose from it.