About the "How are you?" question

What do you think about the "How are you?" question?

I, personally, do not like this question and I have never liked it.

I do not know what to answer.

Also, a lot of the time, I think it is expected just to give a positive answer, but I often feel awful to say "Fine!" simply to be polite if I am not fine. 

  • What would you make of the following exchange, between me and a neurotypical friend of 20+ years?

    Friend: How are you?

    Me: A bit tired.
    [this is my code to acknowledge that I've been very depressed for several days, missed a lot of sleep, and apologise in advance if I nod off during the film we're about to see. I don't expect sympathy, I just want to give an honest answer and get on to the next bit of the conversation. But before I can ask the question back:]

    Friend: Yes, I know, the weather's been terrible.

    I'm then confused by what seems like a complete non sequitur (unless the weather's been keeping people up - it hasn't been that bad).  It's not like we don't talk about personal stuff, although I feel like I do far more listening about her work and relationship problems and probably any discussion of mental health is off-limits.

    I'm wondering about another poll about why we don't like being asked 'How are you?'  Something like:

  • I also find a lot of the time, when I'm feeling bad and answering "How are you?" with "I'm pretty ***." People hate that awkward feeling of not knowing what to say, but I don't think they realise that I'm like that in every single damn conversation. 

    Lol.... I do that... give them an honest reply... and when they are stood there, cogs turning and not knowing how to reply....then my chance to exit, stage left...

    there is the expectation to say, “yes I’m fine, thank you”.... but we live in a society where many people are not! It is an innocent greeting to demonstrate no ill will...I.e. I mean no harm, is it safe to approach... a learned script..

    anyhow... “lovely weather we’ve been having”.

  • I think most of us understand that the answer or reaction expected to this question is context dependent.

    In a social situation nobody wants to know how you really are or cares.  It's just a way of acknowledging your presence and the usual answer that is expected is along the lines of "fine thank you and how are you?"

    In other situations such as being a patient in hospital or at a doctor's they actually want factual information.

    In some situations asking this can lead to violence or verbal abuse.

  • Finding it interesting that you put it into the Health and Wellbeing section - that's exactly how I tend to (wrongly) use/understand it...

  • You are not alone!

    I also find it difficult to join.

    I think that also says something about me.

    I also do not know what to write.

  • A difficult question for me to answer.

    Discussion started 3 days ago.  And I am still find it difficult to join.  That says something about me.

  • I rarely know how to answer.  I know an acceptable response is 'Fine', but I don't know what that means.  In a particularly formal setting, I might say 'very well', thinking it's probably a lie, but enables one to move on to the business of the conversation, and that's closest to its conventional function.  In a particularly informal setting, I might mumble some self-deprecating joke.  In an indeterminate situation like meeting someone new in a pub, it's particularly hard to know how to answer, and what makes me uncomfortable is the feeling of never being able to answer it honestly - in particular, I am alexithymic, and it's hard to know what I'm feeling or allocate the feelings importance.

    I have little problem with non-verbal communication, but understanding the protocols around conversation, rather than its content, can be hard.  You could see this opening phase of the conversation ('Hello' is a 19th century invention, which rather replaced wishing someone 'Good day') as having implicit meanings: 'I recognise you as a member, or potential member, of my community, and am prepared to interact on the basis of the interest of you me, both of us, or some common acquaintance'.   'How are you?' then often translates roughly as 'I know a little about you.  Do you have any overriding information that takes priority over the everyday concerns I may be about to express?' Answering 'OK, thanks, but rather busy' then determines the shape of the following conversation, but not usually its subject.  In other contexts 'How are you?' can mean 'I have concern for your wellbeing, possibly because you have been ill - please let me know your situation and whether you would like me to do something' but that's relatively rare.  The tone of 'How are you?' and possibly its response can also indicate the type of conversation intended - serious, gossiping or whimsical.

    I don't see 'How are you?' as yet having become as much a pure formality in the way 'How do you do?'.  The first is for people you know, and the second more for people you are meeting for the first time.  There is implicit (non-declarative) information in each.  (BTW I should say that I live near London, as these things vary by region or nationality.)

  • I'd imagine the Queen has tasted boiled head. I've just got a feeling about it. A boiled head terrine with fois gras and a vintage ox blood jus. Prince Phillip is a radgepot so it's even more likely with him!

    Weegie slang moderator. Maybe you have a job! I'd be lost with gaelic, totally!

  • Head boil, but yeah. ("Go away and boil your head you fool" - as the Queen probably doesn't say in her English.) Maybe one of us will get a job out of this, as Weegie-slang Moderators! My shocking Gaelic might come in useful too! It's a wonder they haven't thought of slang in their efforts to keep the chats PG. 

  • Weegie slang eh! Seems like the head bile thing got through! Hope we dont get kleiped on!

  • It's useful to have discovered that NAS don't appear to delete 'inappropriate language' in Glaswegian!! Might come in useful, I'll have to brush up on this latent skill! I wonder if it applies to all slang? "Awainbileyerheid ya bam!" LOL this could be fun!  

  • Loollloll. Feckin midden is a bit rude! Saw my cousin call a girl a feckin senga once. Laughed my *** off. Didn't know what it meant. He said "She's drinkin' buckie in a tracksuit, that's a feckin senga!" I pretty much figured it out, lol.

  • No, he wasn't! Scarily, he reminded me of an ex of mine. I wouldn't like to meet him again on a dark night either! 

  • Well my cats head butt me. But that's different I guess. I seem to remember that Begbie was not the kind of person you would want to meet on a dark night

  • Headbutting someone! So rarely an appropriate greeting but I suppose there may be times where's it's prudent or expedient to deploy it as one   : )    

  • I watched and enjoyed Trainspotters but I don't remember what a Glasgow kiss involves! Remind me....

  • I'd be fine with the "How are you?" Questions, if people were expecting an answer other than "Yeah im good." or "I'm fine." ...

    I feel like if I could say "Yeah, i'm doing really good, I did this today, and it was good because... (Enter explanation.)" 
    or
    "No, I feel really crappy because.. (Enter explanation)" 

    But people don't want that, they want a short precise pointless answer, that half the time doesn't portray how I fully feel. Then the missed information I didn't give will circle in my head all day.

    I also find a lot of the time, when I'm feeling bad and answering "How are you?" with "I'm pretty ***." People hate that awkward feeling of not knowing what to say, but I don't think they realise that I'm like that in every single damn conversation. 


    Sorry for the rant, this sort of thing is really aggravating for me.

  • 'How do you do' is a greeting though. More like 'pleased to meet you.' I teach all this stuff, including the idea that 'how are you' is a small-talk question requiring a small-talk answer. There are two books by a Hungarian immigrant that really send up the seemingly irrational things that Brits say and so when they greet each other. George Mike's, How to be a brit and How to be an alien. 

  • Yikes, I remember that one from school!! No, that wasn't one of his but I do remember him going through a phase of calling me a "Feckinmidden" but thankfully it didn't last much beyond his revelation that a sister with female friends might be something he could exploit if he didn't "get on her goat" too much  : )  

  • Loolloolll. I hope he went easy on you! Did you have to stop telling him "shut yer geggy" so much?

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