About the "How are you?" question

What would you make of the following exchange, between me and a neurotypical friend of 20+ years?

Friend: How are you?

Me: A bit tired.
[this is my code to acknowledge that I've been very depressed for several days, missed a lot of sleep, and apologise in advance if I nod off during the film we're about to see. I don't expect sympathy, I just want to give an honest answer and get on to the next bit of the conversation. But before I can ask the question back:]

Friend: Yes, I know, the weather's been terrible.

I'm then confused by what seems like a complete non sequitur (unless the weather's been keeping people up - it hasn't been that bad).  It's not like we don't talk about personal stuff, although I feel like I do far more listening about her work and relationship problems and probably any discussion of mental health is off-limits.

I'm wondering about another poll about why we don't like being asked 'How are you?'  Something like:

Yeah, I agree Seven, just tell him that the question makes you a bit uncomfortable. It might be a bit uncomfortable to have that conversation, but the short term discomfort would be worth the long term gains and it would be so much nicer to start your day on a good note rather than being irritated. 

I’m finding that sometimes, I just need little tweaks to my day, that others might view as rather insignificant, but they have a huge positive impact on my day which is of course a very good thing and it means that I am less tired and worn out by the end of the week and overall, in the long term, they are having a positive as opposed to a negative effect on my health and well being, which overtime, adds up to either a lot of good or a lot of bad/toxic build up. 

The Foyster said:

I also find a lot of the time, when I'm feeling bad and answering "How are you?" with "I'm pretty ***." People hate that awkward feeling of not knowing what to say, but I don't think they realise that I'm like that in every single damn conversation. 

Lol.... I do that... give them an honest reply... and when they are stood there, cogs turning and not knowing how to reply....then my chance to exit, stage left...

there is the expectation to say, “yes I’m fine, thank you”.... but we live in a society where many people are not! It is an innocent greeting to demonstrate no ill will...I.e. I mean no harm, is it safe to approach... a learned script..

anyhow... “lovely weather we’ve been having”.

Greetings, because I have posted before, I post again as I keep seeing this Thread renewing...

I post support to Oktanol, there, with repect to BlueRay.

Especially:

oktanol said:

I think they don't even realise what they say.

...To most persons, it is like a Wave or a Nod or a Smile.. It is exactly just a greeting, as some may throw "Yo! Wassap?", or "Warm Night?"... it is "built into" them, and so requires much conscious thought in order to change that kind of Wave/Nod/Smile...

For myself, aside from the Link I posted, I simply say nothing. And/or carry on with whatever I am there for. And, yes, it depends upon the situation or the person. But it is largely used as little more than an acknowledgement.

Thanks for this very thoughtful response Blueray I guess just to say that the question makes me a bit uncomfortable would be acceptable - just very straightforward really might stop me getting all irritated right at the start of the day! 

I am exactly the same!

I also almost never ask it back. It guess, people also think that I am rude.

I prefer Good ... or Hello!

I've always struggled with that question. For some reason it throws me and i never know what to say. And i almost never remember to ask it back, which must make me seem very rude and self-centred. I prefer people to just start on a topic straight after 'hello'!

You could write it in an email to your boss (and ask him to circulate it) don’t give an explanation, i.e. I find this question difficult to answer, simply set out what you do want, for example,    I request that I be greeted with a simple hello by all members of staff. Don’t accept anything less. This is your life and you have a right to be treated in a way that enhances as opposed to depletes your energy etc. Don’t give in. I have to be told many many times a person’s name before I remember it, sometimes people have to be told repeatedly what we want before they get it, that’s why I like to keep things simple, so they’re easier to stick to. There’s always a solution to every problem or obstacle, sometimes it’s a matter of trial and error before we find them. 

So... probably not worth playing them the Suzanne Vega song about domestic violence, either: 'Just don't ask me how I am'... sorry, attempted joke.

Still might be worth trying to explain... 'that question makes me uncomfortable and I never know how to answer. There's a lot that's wrong, but I'm trying to deal with it..., I can't give a proper account of myself and don't think you'd understand or be interested and don't want to be reminded of that, just get on with it'  How about 'can I talk to you?'  Or write it down on a piece of paper.

Oddly, I've been asking autistic people the question, and haven't checked whether it's OK with them. When there are people present ho haven't said anything, and you know they're unlikely to interrupt more talkative people, I want the situation to feel more equal and inclusive. Can that become patronising? Is a better way to do it, 'what do you think?'... but then they may want to talk about something completely different. 'is there something you'd like to say?', but that could sound aggressive.

I'm sure there are solutions, free of typical norms, I'm just not sure what they are.

I think most of us understand that the answer or reaction expected to this question is context dependent.

In a social situation nobody wants to know how you really are or cares.  It's just a way of acknowledging your presence and the usual answer that is expected is along the lines of "fine thank you and how are you?"

In other situations such as being a patient in hospital or at a doctor's they actually want factual information.

In some situations asking this can lead to violence or verbal abuse.

It does not work. I've tried that, not with the person that complained to my boss about me not telling her that I'm fine when I wasn't, but with two really friendly people. I told them independently that I find this question very difficult to answer (or rather not to answer) and it would be much easier if they just said hello. Both had noticed the awkwardness before. Guess what happened when I met them after this? Y' a'right? They didn't manage to divert from this a single time. They also didn't do their usual thing and then go like "oops, sorry, forgot about it" or something similar. It must be because I'm too rigid to divert from my habits...

I think they don't even realise what they say. When you didn't understand it (which happens all the time when you aren't British and aren't necessarily expecting it, interesting to see that #37350 has experienced exactly the same) and you ask and they have to repeat it then that's where they start to think about it, and it's bloody annoying to repeat it because they suddenly realise that it's a complete waste of time, that they didn't actually mean to ask anything.

Have you told him you would prefer a simple hello and maybe a slight pause and openness of attitude NAS37350? I’m sure he would feel much better as well if he were to do that. I’m sure he senses the awkwardness as well and most likely doesn’t know what else to do as this is a very common form of greeting amongst nt’s, they all seem to be ok with it and know the rules. I’m not saying you’re going to become best friends or anything but I’m sure you would both feel better if you were to tell him how much it bothers you and would he mind keeping it to a simple hello with him pausing a while to give you space to share something if you would like to. You could simply tell him that when you feel pressured to say something you often say more than you would like because some days, you don’t really have much you want to say and you would do better if you could keep the morning greeting to a simple hello. I’m sure he would appreciate you letting him know. In my experience, when I tell people what I need or don’t need, even if they don’t ‘understand’, they’re always accommodating and if they get upset by what I say, I’m not responsible for that, but if you communicate openly  and genuinely with people, they generally cooperate. I don’t have it open for discussion as a way of an argument or criticism or whatever, I don’t justify myself, I just ask kindly that they communicate with me in a way that I can more easily process and deal with. You wouldn’t be asking for much, it’s not unreasonable. 

Yes it can be a loathsome question, often this is how my manager greets me and it is said in such a fast way as to be almost aggressive, I am usually just taking my coat off and often I have to say pardon or sorry I didn't catch that and with some irritation the question is repeated (I feel like there is an element of impatience and that in fact how are you is a bit like a teacher asking the class to settle down and get on with the day and remember I am the one in charge here - you are a potential problem and I am humouring you)

My response is usually "not too bad" and I like to then comment on the weather by which time my manager will have disengaged completely feeling he has fulfilled some social niceity and yet the exchange always leaves me feeling like I want to nave a good shake like a dog, like I need to shake off the weight of or the pressure or the spotlight of the moment in our very silent office.

I think it would be even worse if he genuinely wanted a proper response on the odd occasion when I have given a more lengthy reply I feel like I am revealing too much of myself and like it is being stolen away and filed for future use or discarded, of no value whatsoever.

He might be upset to think his innocent enquiry could create such stress but I would prefer a simple hello and maybe a slight pause and openness of attitude.

Just my thoughts - sorry I went on a bit

Finding it interesting that you put it into the Health and Wellbeing section - that's exactly how I tend to (wrongly) use/understand it...

You are not alone!

I also find it difficult to join.

I think that also says something about me.

I also do not know what to write.

A difficult question for me to answer.

Discussion started 3 days ago.  And I am still find it difficult to join.  That says something about me.

I rarely know how to answer.  I know an acceptable response is 'Fine', but I don't know what that means.  In a particularly formal setting, I might say 'very well', thinking it's probably a lie, but enables one to move on to the business of the conversation, and that's closest to its conventional function.  In a particularly informal setting, I might mumble some self-deprecating joke.  In an indeterminate situation like meeting someone new in a pub, it's particularly hard to know how to answer, and what makes me uncomfortable is the feeling of never being able to answer it honestly - in particular, I am alexithymic, and it's hard to know what I'm feeling or allocate the feelings importance.

I have little problem with non-verbal communication, but understanding the protocols around conversation, rather than its content, can be hard.  You could see this opening phase of the conversation ('Hello' is a 19th century invention, which rather replaced wishing someone 'Good day') as having implicit meanings: 'I recognise you as a member, or potential member, of my community, and am prepared to interact on the basis of the interest of you me, both of us, or some common acquaintance'.   'How are you?' then often translates roughly as 'I know a little about you.  Do you have any overriding information that takes priority over the everyday concerns I may be about to express?' Answering 'OK, thanks, but rather busy' then determines the shape of the following conversation, but not usually its subject.  In other contexts 'How are you?' can mean 'I have concern for your wellbeing, possibly because you have been ill - please let me know your situation and whether you would like me to do something' but that's relatively rare.  The tone of 'How are you?' and possibly its response can also indicate the type of conversation intended - serious, gossiping or whimsical.

I don't see 'How are you?' as yet having become as much a pure formality in the way 'How do you do?'.  The first is for people you know, and the second more for people you are meeting for the first time.  There is implicit (non-declarative) information in each.  (BTW I should say that I live near London, as these things vary by region or nationality.)

I'd imagine the Queen has tasted boiled head. I've just got a feeling about it. A boiled head terrine with fois gras and a vintage ox blood jus. Prince Phillip is a radgepot so it's even more likely with him!

Weegie slang moderator. Maybe you have a job! I'd be lost with gaelic, totally!

Head boil, but yeah. ("Go away and boil your head you fool" - as the Queen probably doesn't say in her English.) Maybe one of us will get a job out of this, as Weegie-slang Moderators! My shocking Gaelic might come in useful too! It's a wonder they haven't thought of slang in their efforts to keep the chats PG. 

Weegie slang eh! Seems like the head bile thing got through! Hope we dont get kleiped on!