Although I am frightened of dying, when the thoughts of suicide come, they can feel quite nice. To sort of get away from this madness we call life. The self harm, I do on a regular basis, and the sight of the blood running down my arm , the feel of it dripping/sliding is wonderful. I like it when it hurts cos that means I am punishing myself. However frightening death is to me, if I died right now no one would notice, and when they did they'd have a party.
Basically the TV series Dexter is about a serial killer who kills other serial killers who have escaped justice. Dexter may be Autistic because he finds it difficult to make a connection with 'normal' people. To him killing is a form of stress relief.
Dexter is the name of my mam & dad's cat. (i don't want to put my real name on). No apologies needed. heard of the TV series , but not seen it. think its about one hour an episode and my concentration is crap. usually watch things that are about 20 - 30 mins such as :- family guy, not going out, sometimes live at the apollo (depending who's on), mock the weeks ok. think i've a dark sense of humour. don't like cruel humour where it hurts people. don't like hypocritical comedy.
i like music too.
Welcome back, it's nice to hear from you.
I assure you that as an autistic, I do not have ulterior motives for what I say to you. Because I experience and feel some of the things you describe.
I also have difficulty sleeping. Now it 2:30 in the morning!
I was wondering why you call yourself Dexter on this site. Is it from the TV series Dexter? I have all eight seasons of Dexter on a DVD boxset. If your real name is actually Dexter I apologise for what I've just written.
is there anyone else out there with EUPD (BPD) and Aspergers syndrome ????
usually, aspergers people arent very good at emotions anyway.....the combination of these two things , i think , make it even harder and was just wondering if i'm right (if right is the correct word).
unstable emotions + confused emotions = disaster.
why , if youre over 25 yrs old , is there NO help , and your just expected to "get on with it" ??
i'm not saying the under 25's don't need help , i'm saying its unfair , its very , very tiring , and its extremly frustrating,
when people are speaking to me , i never know how to take it , due to most of my life theres been a hidden meaning , true or not.
a person could say to me " hello, are you alright?? , and id be thinking they were upto something , and they knew something i didnt.
mood changes in less than the blink of an eye and very , very random. theres DBT to help it , but cos i am currently self harming as a coping stratedgy this cant happen , and anyways im very tired at present and dont think i could keep it up as ive heard its very very tiring and its a year long process in a group of however many other peoples.
i feel i am trapped in a mind that i dont want to be in but cos its been such a long time its sort of , in a weird/strange way its sort of become apart of me and maybes a coping/protective thing....., i dont sleep on a night , i can be up till 3am , 4am, or 5am and even then the fear of sleeping is still there....
im frightened to do stuff , ie:- games , cooking , cleaning , tv , reading , self care , music (sometimes) , go out & about (i do go out regularly) , etc , cos i am extremly scared/petrified in case i would flip into a horrible emotion ..............
one more thing .....life doesnt need to be this complicated , stressful , money orientated as it is , so why does nothing ever change , why does the same thing happen over and over and over again......what needs to happen to change the viscious cycle of life ......everyones got rights but they havent!!!!!
What do you do when you've tried those two options ?
Thanks for asking.
My communication skills have improved over the years but depression is still there and I have got used to isolation and lack of social interaction with 'normal' people.
I don't intend to self harm. But if things get much worse suicide is an option as a last straw.
My mental health team have provided me with at least half a dozen phones numbers and websites of contacts. If i need help.
I wholly agree, I find reading this thread enlightening and increadibly distressing. Wishing comfort to all who may be reading and needing it.
My experience of self harm is very limited.
When I was around 7, 8, 9 or 10 ??? Years old. I went through a phase of pulling my hair out everyday, until I was partially bald. This was a reaction to the total loneliness and frustration I felt at both home and school, being unable to communicate or express myself verbally.
Seems that's quite a common misconception. Glad it's been clarified, you never know where that may come helpful. The reason ToeJam's mentioned seems to me the most directly autism-related one, apart from this also stuff like punishing oneself for mistakes (in the hope to prevent making them again or because punishment seems deserved, often because others have made this clear), covering or distracting from pain that seems unbearable (rather of mental than physical nature), especially if nobody understands it, to have a reason to be nice to oneself afterwards, to feel oneself again if that feeling went missing somehow, trying to get help when everything else failes... guess there are lots more.
Guess everybody does things someone else doesn't understand - doesn't mean that it's necessarily wrong or mad or disgusting or useless or a way of attention seeking, or, or... Not saying that you have suggested any of those but lots of people do and it's not exactly helping anyone. Guess unless you wanted to hurt yourself anyway you will not want to do it from watching someone else, quite the opposite. Whether you can understand it or not, it will always be hard to see others doing that, or even just the evidence of it, especially when it looks quite recent. If you understand it because of own experience then those signs of someone apparently not doing particularly well are perhaps even more shocking because you know what it's like (well, sort of, given that there can be lots of reasons).
For each person I can only assume it is different and done for different reasons. I have seen people who self harm without regard for how much damage it can do (and it can be crippling), I do not do that. It's a very personal thing, I don't display it or draw attention to it in real life terms... I do it because when I am finding it increasingly hard to think and process what is/has happen(ing)ed si has the effect of easing the pressure build up in my head. I am aware that the chemical release is similar to that of having a jog around the block which my depression and low mood prevents. With respect to infection prevention... why add more problems?
I hope I've explained it, at least from the perspective of why I do it anyway.
I self harm and have made several attempts (including a number of hospital admissions). Self harm for me is a coping mechanism that staves off more drastic thoughts and is something that my cpn understands and though doesn't encourage, doesn't condemn it either.. I get the aspect of 'punishing ones self' and with respect to being frightend of death, I'd just recommend being aware of si safely (knowing where not to harm as well as deepness) and cleaning afterwards to prevent infection.
what is the best way to self harm so that the blood comes running down my arm cos I'm sick of this pointless [*******] life and the [*******] *** that comes with it. We get told to always do the right [*******] thing, but in reality, does this happen?? Does it [*****]. All life is, abuse after abuse after [*******] mental abuse.
[Edited by Nellie-Mod]
I made the unforgivable mistake of not distinguishing between self harm and suicide attempts. There are of course very different.
I am also different from you. I don't self harm. But when i took over doses, I meant to end it.
My late father, who had mental health issues. Attempted to self harm for selfish reasons.
When my mother slipped in the kitchen and broke her wrist, she spent 6 hours in hospital as they set her bones, x rayed, and reset her bones three times. When she finally came home after midnight with a plaster cast from her fingers to her elbow. The conversation was all about her broken wrist and the repeated x rays. My father in a fit of jealousy at the attention she was getting, insisted that his knees were broken and wanted us to take him to hospital for x rays. He then walked up our wooden stairs, stamping as hard as possible trying to break his own knees.
