Being a parent

Thanks, recombinant!

Thinking about this later in the day, I feel now that ideally I would have not risen to my daughter's pedanticism, let it wash over me, but remained firm and consistent about the getting dressed etc. Hard, though, to not rise to pedanticism when my own pedanticism urges me to! Much potential for spiralling there.

Will continue to work on this!

It may have been triggered by an innocent question but I suspect that you were already stressed.

If you are aware that you are pedantic then your partner's comment could be acknowledged by an "I know" rather than taking it as a criticism. Being pedantic is the way we are and it need not be taken as a criticism but if you are stressed then everything seems critical. Take a deep breath, acknowledge that this is the way things are and then move on.

The way you quietly and firmly got your daughter to get dressed is the right way to deal with children- particularly if they are on the spectrum. They need to be dealt with calmly and fairly and the more consistent you can be then the easier it can get. Try not to rise to an argument and try and remember that you are the adult and she is just 7. This is easier said than done but just try and be a bit less critical of yourself and everything else.

A recent development is PEDANTICISM. I write this in block capitals, because of the degree of frustration it causes! Latest example:

This morning my daughter asked me why I washed my hair in the morning. Simple answer: "I don't wash it; I just make it wet to stick it down."

But there are numerous points of frustration which preclude the simple answer:

1. If I take more than a second or two to answer, she will come at me with, "Answer me, then!" or similar - then if I don't stay super calm and clear in my response, this will lead to an argument - chance of spiralling exacerbated by the fact that I find it hard to get my words out when I am stressed. (This happened this morning, but I just about managed to bring it back.)

2. When I eventually got out the (super calm and clear) words, "I don't wash it; I just make it wet," my daughter said, "It's the same thing, Daddy!" - to which I responded (or tried to), "But I don't mean to wash it." - upon which she starts going on about how I am not answering her and sarcastically remarking that I "accidentally" washed it.

3. Feeling my stress levels rising, but also empathising with my daughter's pedanticism, as I know I can be pedantic, but being the adult, I take a deep breath, walk away and say firmly, "It doesn't matter; please just get dressed" (or something along those lines) - upon which my daughter follows me, continues to go on and declares she won't get dressed - then I have to physically lead her back to her bedroom, close the door and quickly walk away, ignoring any further shouting, crying, etc... Thankfully then she started getting dressed.

4. All this has, of course, raised my stress levels to the point that my heart is racing and I start doing the things I do when I am stressed - biting lips and inner cheek, etc. And then I have to stop myself getting stressed about getting stressed - what it's doing to my blood pressure, etc.

5. When my daughter is eventually dressed, I have brushed her hair and myself and her mother are telling her to get shoes and coat on, I (mistakenly, I now admit - should've just left it!) tell daughter she needs to look up the word, "pedantic" - upon which daughter's mother says to me, "But you are also pedantic!" - or something along those lines. And then there's a bit of an argument between partner and I about saying things like this in front of daughter, reducing daughter's respect for me, etc - resulting in leaving house in a bad mood.

All from daughter asking me why I "wash" my hair in the morning!

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Thanks for sharing, Thoughtful!

My daughter, who is now 7, has in some ways become easier and in other ways more difficult to be around. She has always been, I reckon, more demanding of attention, than the "average" child, though - which exacerbates my difficulty in coping!

Our easiest times, for me (and this also applies to spending time with my partner), are when we are doing separate things, together - we have just, for example, been sitting together on the sofa, both on our iPads, doing separate things, but I will occasionally "help" her with what she is doing. Similarly, taking her to the park, when she finds a friend to play with, and I can mostly sit reading or whatever.

She wanted to do more things *with* me when she was, for example, 3, but now, thankfully, she is more independent. The demanding-ness, however, comes out when she is bored, tired, can't think what to do with herself - and when I am one or more of these things also! She often seems to pick up on my stress, and I react to hers, and those are the worst times - hard to not then let things spiral, ending up in an argument.

She also has aspie traits herself! Our biggest clashes happen during transitions - getting ready to go out, have a bath, etc. Not always, but potential for big meltdown. I can, of course, empathise with this difficulty, but difficult when faced with it in my daughter...

Hi Dasp,

I can totally relate to your post, every word & thank goodness there is someone out there having the same experience. I have a son 3 years and a baby 3 months. I got disagnosed with A.S.C after I struggled with my 1st & it has really helped us to identify why I have difficulties. it also really helps that my family understand now and they make adjustments in there behaviour to help me.

Yes NT's find parenting hard, but it is different for people on the spectrum. I would highly recommend finding out what areas are a problem. For example I have sensitivities to sound. At my diagnosis they said I am at the same point after 5 mins of the baby crying as NT's would be after 4 hours of solid crying, that is how much it affects me. I now wear noise cancelling ear plugs and ear defenders. This helps to prevent meltdowns.

Also, I am learning to regonise when a meltdown is building and tell my partner before I go nuclear, so he knows to let me have a break. This does not always work, as my clingy little monkey follows me wherever I go, sometimes I have had to meltdown infront of him as he won't leave me alone. I know this is distressing for him, as I myself have experienced this as a child (my father undiagnosed Aspie had meltdowns around us) I always thought it was my fault, nobody knew what it was or explained to me. If I have an outburst, afterwards I always talk about it with my son and try to explain that mummy doesn't like noise and needs a break, then she can me fun again' I really hope being able to explain it to him will help lessen the impacts. the other day out of the blue he said 'mummy sometimes you get stressed don't you and you need a break' I hope he is begining to understand. I love my dad to bits by the way, he is fantastic in lots of other areas!

In terms of getting your own space, I know what you mean. we have open plan living space, which is dreadful. I find my bedroom is the best place to recover. It has plain walls and calm colours, soft textures etc. When in the family living area, sometimes I wear my ear defenders and I recommend subscribing to magazines in areas that interest you, I find a quick flick through helps distract me from the stressors & regain my sense of self and become a bit calmer. Maybe find things you enjoy doing together. I love doing puzzles and craft stuff with my little boy, but also have a lot of DVD's that we both like watching, for respite from talking.

I also recommend identifying what areas of mummying you excell at. I for example am very skilled at finding lost things. I survey the room and pick up on the details and find the missing robot toy! Here also is a list by Tony Attwood - qualities that a person with Aspergers brings. As follows:- Reliable, Persistent, Perfectionist, Easily able to identify Errors, Technically able, In possession of a good sense of social justice, Accurate, Attentive to detail, Logical, Concientious, Knowledgable, good researcher, Honest, Likely to thrive on routine and clear expectations. A lot of these attributes make for great a parent. Helpful to know your strengths too!

Good luck!

Being a parent certainly requires huge reserves of patience and generosity of heart!  I guess that displaying grace is harder for autistic people, but I'm afraid we don't have a get-out clause. 

My only suggestion, really, is that if you find that you're struggling to meet your family's needs for compassion, because you're needy yourself for time/space - then maybe consider not having children in your life...  book holiday club/nursery, or don't have as many children.....  that sounds sort of harsh though! 

Hi Dasp,

I think your partner sounds very understanding :-) I think your stress and discomfort is entirely understandable - I don't think we make the most natural and instinctive parents - I know that I struggled with this and got stuff wrong. (my kids grew up and left home before I got diagnosed)

I think you should try not to feel guilty - you are the way you are and you didn't choose it and you can't wish it away. Personally I have felt much more comfortable with a diagnosis than I did before. I still clatter about and make mistakes but I am much more aware and accepting of the situation. Have you thought about getting a diagnosis?

Have you tried the free online test aspergerstest.net/.../ this is quite reliable.