Do you ever feel ashamed of being autistic?

Hmm...   If I'm honest I would have to admit that shame and embarrassment have been strong themes in my life. 

Whilst I do believe that a lot of this could have been avoided or improved given proper identification and support, in the absence of those, it's really taken its toll over the years.  No doubt some of this has been linked to internalised ableism but just a few examples include:

- early childhood shame over my family background, the state of the house, our poverty, our inability to get things fixed promptly, not feeling able to invite friends back (so worsening my sense of isolation), not being able to go on school trips etc.  As a family we just didn't seem able to connect with others, seek appropriate help, resolve setbacks as they arose afford anything (and yes, the low paid, irregular work was related to issues around unidentified therefore unaccommodated autism)

 - ongoing shame about difficulties with driving, public speaking, attending meetings at work, generally getting out there and doing things in the ways that others (and especially employers) expected.

- shame/stigma around mental health issues, which in our family often became quite severe and for which there was no help at all.  

- shame over my extreme anxiety which, on being met with blame for being "so silly", I learnt to hide as much as possible (why give them more ammunition, after all?)

- shame over poor hygiene in some family members.  Like a ghost from the past this has returned to haunt me in recent years.  I still don't know how to tackle this and the "over-the-garden-fence" advice from neighbours and the few friends I did have was on the level of, well, haven't you thought of giving them smellies for Christmas or taking them swimming regularly or just having an open chat about how you feel etc etc.  (I HAD thought about all of these things and they didn't help.) 

I'm sure there are other things and even now I just cringe to think of it.  But yes, as I say, with proper, early identification and support, much of this could have been resolved or prevented.  

What we have now is a long family history of issues that have become compounded over the years and still no obvious way out of some of them.  I do work on myself to tackle those feelings of shame, but to see a family member go out looking as though they've been living on the streets for at least a year is still highly triggering for me.  I wish I could say otherwise.  And if a lot of this bad stuff had been prevented, I think I would feel very open and proud about our neurodivergence.  

Hmm...   If I'm honest I would have to admit that shame and embarrassment have been strong themes in my life. 

Whilst I do believe that a lot of this could have been avoided or improved given proper identification and support, in the absence of those, it's really taken its toll over the years.  No doubt some of this has been linked to internalised ableism but just a few examples include:

- early childhood shame over my family background, the state of the house, our poverty, our inability to get things fixed promptly, not feeling able to invite friends back (so worsening my sense of isolation), not being able to go on school trips etc.  As a family we just didn't seem able to connect with others, seek appropriate help, resolve setbacks as they arose afford anything (and yes, the low paid, irregular work was related to issues around unidentified therefore unaccommodated autism)

 - ongoing shame about difficulties with driving, public speaking, attending meetings at work, generally getting out there and doing things in the ways that others (and especially employers) expected.

- shame/stigma around mental health issues, which in our family often became quite severe and for which there was no help at all.  

- shame over my extreme anxiety which, on being met with blame for being "so silly", I learnt to hide as much as possible (why give them more ammunition, after all?)

- shame over poor hygiene in some family members.  Like a ghost from the past this has returned to haunt me in recent years.  I still don't know how to tackle this and the "over-the-garden-fence" advice from neighbours and the few friends I did have was on the level of, well, haven't you thought of giving them smellies for Christmas or taking them swimming regularly or just having an open chat about how you feel etc etc.  (I HAD thought about all of these things and they didn't help.) 

I'm sure there are other things and even now I just cringe to think of it.  But yes, as I say, with proper, early identification and support, much of this could have been resolved or prevented.  

What we have now is a long family history of issues that have become compounded over the years and still no obvious way out of some of them.  I do work on myself to tackle those feelings of shame, but to see a family member go out looking as though they've been living on the streets for at least a year is still highly triggering for me.  I wish I could say otherwise.  And if a lot of this bad stuff had been prevented, I think I would feel very open and proud about our neurodivergence.