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Do you ever feel ashamed of being autistic?

LivAgain

Hi,

I know it sounds like an awful thing to say and I'm sure it will spark controversy but this is just a question I have never felt able to ask other autistic people and tonight I just thought, "Why not? People are welcome to disagree with me if that's how they feel."

Anyway, I've been having a rough time lately and feel very ashamed of a lot of things. One thing I'm certainly ashamed of is being autistic. Everything about it feels like a threat - a threat to my femininity, to my appearance, to how others will perceive me. It's hard to put into words but it's almost as though the symptoms don't worry me (I don't actually have a great deal of symptoms, really; not nowadays anyway) but the label itself is damaging me more and more every day.

I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I don't want to wonder anymore. Does anyone else feel like this?

Thank you,

LivAgain 

Parents

  • It’s been several years. How do you feel about it now? I’m also ashamed of it, and then sometimes I’m almost defensive of it. For example, I feel too ashamed to tell people I’m Autistic, but if I screw things up or meltdown or have a sensory reaction and someone judges me….I’m very quick to defend myself and say that I have Autism. My autism is definitely more invisible than others. I mask extremely well because I started when I was a kid. I didn’t know I had Autism til age 37. So all those years of feeling weird, displaced and odd and not knowing why helped me to adapt and mimic so that I could survive in the world. 
    I honestly hate my Autism. I don’t want anything to do with it and I just want to be able to be content and socialize and have a group of dedicated friends. I don’t know what it is, but initially I come across as completely Neurotypical, but after spending more time with me, I seem to disappoint them and I lose potential friendships. Is it my lack of smiling? My aloofness? Am I doing something wrong with my face or body? Am I responding in weird ways or tones? I have no clue. I have tattoos and piercings and dress androgynously and have a professional talent in the Visual Arts. My aloofness can come across as “mysterious and cool”, which can work in my favor. But I think people see me and have this idea of me and then that idea is completely shattered because of something off-putting. Again, I just don’t know what it is. Maybe they just can sense the nervousness and awkwardness and tension in me. 

    Anyways, I hope you’ve come to terms with it. If you have, do you have any advice for this 40 year old? Thanks.

Reply

  • It’s been several years. How do you feel about it now? I’m also ashamed of it, and then sometimes I’m almost defensive of it. For example, I feel too ashamed to tell people I’m Autistic, but if I screw things up or meltdown or have a sensory reaction and someone judges me….I’m very quick to defend myself and say that I have Autism. My autism is definitely more invisible than others. I mask extremely well because I started when I was a kid. I didn’t know I had Autism til age 37. So all those years of feeling weird, displaced and odd and not knowing why helped me to adapt and mimic so that I could survive in the world. 
    I honestly hate my Autism. I don’t want anything to do with it and I just want to be able to be content and socialize and have a group of dedicated friends. I don’t know what it is, but initially I come across as completely Neurotypical, but after spending more time with me, I seem to disappoint them and I lose potential friendships. Is it my lack of smiling? My aloofness? Am I doing something wrong with my face or body? Am I responding in weird ways or tones? I have no clue. I have tattoos and piercings and dress androgynously and have a professional talent in the Visual Arts. My aloofness can come across as “mysterious and cool”, which can work in my favor. But I think people see me and have this idea of me and then that idea is completely shattered because of something off-putting. Again, I just don’t know what it is. Maybe they just can sense the nervousness and awkwardness and tension in me. 

    Anyways, I hope you’ve come to terms with it. If you have, do you have any advice for this 40 year old? Thanks.

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