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Do you ever feel ashamed of being autistic?

LivAgain

Hi,

I know it sounds like an awful thing to say and I'm sure it will spark controversy but this is just a question I have never felt able to ask other autistic people and tonight I just thought, "Why not? People are welcome to disagree with me if that's how they feel."

Anyway, I've been having a rough time lately and feel very ashamed of a lot of things. One thing I'm certainly ashamed of is being autistic. Everything about it feels like a threat - a threat to my femininity, to my appearance, to how others will perceive me. It's hard to put into words but it's almost as though the symptoms don't worry me (I don't actually have a great deal of symptoms, really; not nowadays anyway) but the label itself is damaging me more and more every day.

I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I don't want to wonder anymore. Does anyone else feel like this?

Thank you,

LivAgain 

Parents

  • You’re definitely not alone. The shame is terribly strong within me and thanks to this pandemic, and how Trump handled the whole vaccine situation by linking it to autism…I feel like I’ve been a monster my whole life and there is literally NOTHING I can do it about. I’m the only one in my family with it too. My sister is going to go to PA school and my brother has had successful relationships while I’ve been struggling to be open. When I was younger, I was. I was happy. Free-spirited. Optimistic. I believed in the best of people.

    Now I’m a shell of that girl who used to be because of chronic anxiety/depression from ableism, cruel patronizing comments/jokes, gaslighting, and infantilism. I am now angry/bitter at the world when I used to love it and want to live in it and enjoy life to the fullest. I lived in a pessimistic household where everyone just pulled out every weapon (Past mistakes or flaws about each other.) to hurt and cut each other down. We’re a great family, and we love each other deeply, but I always knew my way of thinking, most of all, would be the least heard. I feel like my emotional/mental state has reverted back to how I was as a young child. Before I’d matured. Before I started understanding comedy/sarcasm a little after a few years. Everyone always called me overdramatic and crazy and rude just because I felt uncomfortable about something when was completely valid to be. And even when I did things right, my thinking/justification for it is twisted like a knife.

    Now I take everything too seriously. And expect the worst.

    I want to go into a voice acting/writing profession but it feels like neurotypical society will do everything in its power to keep us quiet about chronic illness.

    I pray every day things will be different. I pray with whatever’s left of my heart and soul.

Reply

  • You’re definitely not alone. The shame is terribly strong within me and thanks to this pandemic, and how Trump handled the whole vaccine situation by linking it to autism…I feel like I’ve been a monster my whole life and there is literally NOTHING I can do it about. I’m the only one in my family with it too. My sister is going to go to PA school and my brother has had successful relationships while I’ve been struggling to be open. When I was younger, I was. I was happy. Free-spirited. Optimistic. I believed in the best of people.

    Now I’m a shell of that girl who used to be because of chronic anxiety/depression from ableism, cruel patronizing comments/jokes, gaslighting, and infantilism. I am now angry/bitter at the world when I used to love it and want to live in it and enjoy life to the fullest. I lived in a pessimistic household where everyone just pulled out every weapon (Past mistakes or flaws about each other.) to hurt and cut each other down. We’re a great family, and we love each other deeply, but I always knew my way of thinking, most of all, would be the least heard. I feel like my emotional/mental state has reverted back to how I was as a young child. Before I’d matured. Before I started understanding comedy/sarcasm a little after a few years. Everyone always called me overdramatic and crazy and rude just because I felt uncomfortable about something when was completely valid to be. And even when I did things right, my thinking/justification for it is twisted like a knife.

    Now I take everything too seriously. And expect the worst.

    I want to go into a voice acting/writing profession but it feels like neurotypical society will do everything in its power to keep us quiet about chronic illness.

    I pray every day things will be different. I pray with whatever’s left of my heart and soul.

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