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Do you ever feel ashamed of being autistic?

LivAgain

Hi,

I know it sounds like an awful thing to say and I'm sure it will spark controversy but this is just a question I have never felt able to ask other autistic people and tonight I just thought, "Why not? People are welcome to disagree with me if that's how they feel."

Anyway, I've been having a rough time lately and feel very ashamed of a lot of things. One thing I'm certainly ashamed of is being autistic. Everything about it feels like a threat - a threat to my femininity, to my appearance, to how others will perceive me. It's hard to put into words but it's almost as though the symptoms don't worry me (I don't actually have a great deal of symptoms, really; not nowadays anyway) but the label itself is damaging me more and more every day.

I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I don't want to wonder anymore. Does anyone else feel like this?

Thank you,

LivAgain 

Parents

  • You sound a little swamped.  Sorry you feel like that - I do, too, periodically.  You already know that being on the spectrum is nothing to be ashamed about, though that sort of knowledge is intellectual, not emotional, and doesn't stop you feeling the way you do, I guess.  I find that these feelings pass.  What helps, for me, is Googling positive things about Autism.  Most of them don't really apply to me (we're all individuals) but just reminding myself that autism has an upside helps.

  • in reply to PersonAnon

    I actually feel quite positive about being autistic.  Lots of good qualities there.  It's just that, with no knowledge of neurodivergence for most of my life, I unthinkingly took in a lot of fixed ideas of how I should be and how my family should be and became acutely aware of any shortcomings.  Openness seemed to invite criticism rather than help, so it often felt safer to hide or swallow stuff down. 

    Plus, certainly within my family, the masking this leads to has seriously impacted our mental health.  It could be a kind of chain reaction.  Fear of others, leading to masking, leading to shame when any weakness or vulnerability shows through.  

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  • in reply to PersonAnon

    I actually feel quite positive about being autistic.  Lots of good qualities there.  It's just that, with no knowledge of neurodivergence for most of my life, I unthinkingly took in a lot of fixed ideas of how I should be and how my family should be and became acutely aware of any shortcomings.  Openness seemed to invite criticism rather than help, so it often felt safer to hide or swallow stuff down. 

    Plus, certainly within my family, the masking this leads to has seriously impacted our mental health.  It could be a kind of chain reaction.  Fear of others, leading to masking, leading to shame when any weakness or vulnerability shows through.  

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