what do I feel

Hi Tic, I know exactly what you mean. I get into situations which upset me and yet there are no words to express what I feel. I know I feel something, but have no language to explain it to anyone or even to myself. I just feel.

I have Alexithymia, which is emotional blindness. I know I feel something, but sometimes, not what it is. I have to seek out words, sometimes from other people, to help me identify how I feel.

If you can find someone else who has had a similar experience, recently, and ask them to tell you about it, you may find this gives your emotion a voice.

I find that if I let these things pass, they come back to haunt me later in the form of depression. Emotions as intense as yours need an outlet, if only in writing to yourself.

I feel for you, closed doors are painful. But there is an old saying "when one door closes, another opens. Good luck

Tlc said:

I am hopeful that In some way I can continue to serve my community in areas of Social Justice. This is what I am very passionate about. I don't know what my strengths are but I am well aware of my many weakness'.

Have you thought of taking this question to the church that you want to serve? Is there someone there whose opinion you respect that would listen to you and provide some career or vocation advice?

I think it is important to work out what you are good at. Everyone is good at lots of things, nobody is hopeless at everything. It sounds as though you are being unfair on yourself. What does your husband think you are good at? What do your church friends think you are good at? I appreciate you might find it hard to ask this question but I think that this is worth quite a big effort as you might be more pleasantly surprised than you might imagine.

Thanks Marjorie195

I will keep trying. 

Thank you also for sharing about your dificulty in recognising emotion and the way have to analyse yourself. I found that very helpful.

If in doubt, ask a question.

But, not as I used to do at one time, and ask the same one all the time and promptly forget the reply, because the chatting thing was making me stressed. I did just annoy people.

Eventually, I tried sitting with people and listening to the ebb and flow of chat, until something came up that I had, say, seen on telly. I would then chip in a comment. I did this with the group of people I worked with for 10 years. It slowly got easier.

recombinantsocks

I am trying to work out what I should do. I find it very difficult to let go of my plans when they are incomplete. I hate it when something is unfinished and so it is hard to move forward and leave what has happened behind. Yet after serious thought that may be what I need to do. 

I am hopeful that In some way I can continue to serve my community in areas of Social Justice. This is what I am very passionate about. I don't know what my strengths are but I am well aware of my many weakness'.

You may be right about saying something is better than nothing but for me that is really hard. I don't talk much at all and so what I do say has significant meaning. If I did say something trivial or meaningless just to fill a gap or quiet moment I would feel extremly uncomfortable. I remember trying it once at college I had heard peers comment on the weather to each other when they enterd student lounge, so I tried it the following week, I thought it may help to feel included in the group. It felt very unnatural but I said "Wow It's cold outside today" and all I got was "Yes it is". The problem was I didn't know where to take the conversation from there. So it was a pointless exercise, but maybe thats something I need to work on.

I sometimes mis-identify emotions and make a "half thought out comment" that proves eventually to be wrong. This can lead to misunderstandings.  Real understanding of what I feel can take a long time to discover. If there are several potential causes of my feelings, I have to consider each one and see which is causing the emotional reaction.

As soon as I feel my mood starts spiralling down, I take time to consider all the potential causes, see which is most likely, then work my way through it.I

Marjorie195 said:

I often know what other people feel, when misfortune strikes, why do they assume that I do not feel anything, just because I stay silent?

Its an interesting question. I think its because a suffering NT seeks someone to share the misery with whereas someone with AS is more likely to process the discomfort quietly by themselves, and NT theory of mind provides insight based on the fallacy "everbody thinks like me", this leading them to the position "if an event bothered me, I would say so therefor if [event] bothered [person] then they would say so; because [person] hasnt verbalised distress over [event] than they must not be bothered by it"  

tlc,

Have you given any thought about what to do next? Do you think you want to fight their decision or do you think you want to move on and perhaps learn what your strengths are and to develop your communication and interpersonal skills to have a better life with your diagnosed condition?

On the expression of emotions, I think we have difficulties because we struggle to work out what the exact right thing to say is in an emotional situation. In the end, there is sometimes no exact 'right thing' to say but sometimes it is useful to just say something even if it is trivial or meaningless or perhaps not intellectually, rigorously correct. We also have probably got experiences of saying the wrong thing and, rather than get over it and not worry about it, we opt for a tactic of saying nothing as this might be less catastrophic than opening our mouths.

I have found that my inability to talk about emotions has caused problems in the past with treatment for depression and anxiety.

Doctors have asked me how things were going and I didn't know what to say, so said "OK". This closed the door to support and treatment. I have also had councelling on two occaisions and was written off as unwilling to talk. People get frustrated by my silence, but if there are no words coming to mind, that express what I am feeling, then how can I speak.

At times it is like being in a glass bubble. I can see people out there, but they are cut off from me.Out of earshot.

At other times, if I know that other people are aware that I have suffered a misfortune of some kind, then I feel that I am made of glass, and my emotions are obvious, so there is no need to try to put them into words.

I often know what other people feel, when misfortune strikes, why do they assume that I do not feel anything, just because I stay silent?

Hi Marjorie195

I hadn't heard of Alexithymia. It could explain some things for me as this isn't the first time I have struggled with expressing emotion. I will have a look into that.

Thank you very much for your advice. I appreciate it.

Thanks for your comment aimosan. It is reasuring to know it's not just me that struggles with reactions / emotions. When I am asked whats wrong or I how I feel often I will say don't know because it's true but honesty seems to annoy people, they would prefer me to lie and say I'm fine and i'm ok.

It's good to hear that other colleges do offer support aimosan, like the open university! I may consider there courses in the future.

I can relate.  There is some things I don't really react to when people expect me to, and then they don't know how to react because I haven't reacted!  Sometimes if there is a lot of feelings I don't make sense of I tend to go quite and emotionless for a while, until I can figure out what's going on.  But then people keep asking me what's wrong, and I'm, like, I don't know.  Then they get frustrated because I say I don't know, but I don't know!

They probably could be more supportive to be honest.  I know when I did a course through the Open University and they were told about my issues they did everything they could to help from tutors only contacting me through email instead of the phone (it's easier for me) and offering to do my exam in my home instead of the exam centre.  They really cared that I got through the course with plenty of support.

recombinantsocks, you haven't offended me. When I said that I was offended by their assumptions I was refering to the assumptions made by the college about my abilities.

I posted here precisely to hear opinions like yours, knowing that I would not agree with everything but that I would gain a wider perspective of the situation. So I do genuinely appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me.

Thanks again

recombinantsocks, you haven't offended me. When I said that I was offended by their assumptions I was refering to the assumptions made by the college about my abilities.

I posted here precisely to hear opinions like yours, knowing that I would not agree with everything but that I would gain a wider perspective of the situation. So I do genuinely appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me.

Thanks again

Maybe if they employed some aspies as weapons techs theyd stop missing entire nations w decimeter accurate guided missiles!

I'm sorry if I have offended you, TLC, I have a tendency for jumping to conclusions and also tendencies for saying things that people take offence to. Only you can know what is right for you and I will only suggest alternative courses because sometimes a different point of view can be useful in either confirming or challenging our choices.

A while ago I read a discussion on another forum about some young americans who were debating whether to disclose their Asperger's as part of their application to join the US Army. They were desperate to get in as they thought that this was the ideal career for them. They were aware that the US Army operates a fitness screening programme and that Asperger's would exclude them from the service. Should the US army accept people with Asperger's in the knowledge that their disrespect for authority and the high likelihood that they would get ruthlessly bullied, by the other recruits,would make their life in service an extremely miserable and unfulfilling experience. The continual close proximity with other recruits would almost certainly push a number of these people to desert or worse ways of escaping. Or, should the US Army exclude people with certain personalities from service on the basis that they wouldn't make good, obedient soldiers?

I would suggest that we do not have the "right stuff" for certain professions.

I dont think having Autism would prevent a person from becoming a good minister of religion. 

Your style of pastoral care may be different but the style of every minister varies and the assumtion that yours would be less valid is offensive to me. Analysis is as/more helpful in many situations than (possibly proffensionally insincere) empathy...

Further, the founding thinkers of many major religions would be good candidates for posthumous Aspergers or HFA diagnosis...as just one example (drawn from Christianity, which I am not a practitioner):

 "Jesus made a whip from some ropes and chased them all out of the Temple. He drove out the sheep and cattle, scattered the money changers' coins over the floor, and turned over their tables."

Gospel of John 2,15

New Living Translation

Any one else think this sounds meltdowny?

I guess the real question is: do you have a vocation? If you do, you wont let this opposition stand in your way; if you do not then you have no business becoming a minister of religion anyway... 

Also read this thread:

http://community.autism.org.uk/discussions/health-wellbeing/living-spectrum/autism-religion

Premice: Whereas an individual acepts the validity of religion, they must accept that the only ordination that matters is that bestowed by the divinity...not its clergy.

Options: 1, Whereas your religion is centrally orginised, appeal to higher/highest mortal office...

              2, Whereas your religion is locally orginised, perhaps you could seek a position as a lay minister or assistant with a view to taking over the ministry upon the retirement of the current holder of that office, assuming the worship comunity is satisfied with your ability having known you for some time.

Further, could you seek the support of your original worship community?

Have you considered any non-traditional or specialist ministry types...street ministry, ministering for disability groups, mobile ministry etc...you might find such orginisations more welcomimg.

Outraged, thank you for your comments. I have found their assumptions offensive also. They have made many and haven't given me the opportunity to learn from my new diagnosis.

And yes I do have a vocation. The only thing I have wanted to do with my life is be a minister. There is nothing else for me. You say if I do have a vocation I won't let opposition stand in my way, well I have fought hard to get this far and the college have recognised my determination but unfortunalety there is nothing I can do now. They won't change their mind and I can't force them too.

Outraged,

Mostly I agree with you about taking a fighting stand and I think you show what can be achieved by someone despite incredible difficulties.

I can't speak for the OP on this thread so I may have misunderstood. However it seems that her college has decided that she does not have the right stuff to become a senior religious minister. There are some roles that we are suited for and some roles that will just cause us grief and stress. Is it fair, to her, that she should be encouraged to do a role that she will find impossibly challenging and stressful or is it better to change direction and look for something that can be more satisfying and successful? Sometimes it is better to face up to something by deciding that it is beyond us rather than persisting with a cause that will bring no satisfaction.

Equally it is important to fight for what makes sense and for what can be achieved as this makes for a better more fulfilled life.