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what do I feel

Tlc

I had trouble in my training/college programme over the last 2 years because of communication/social difficulties and I was diagnosed a few months ago with Asperers Syndrome and I informed the college. I just started back for my final year and after a meeting last week I have been dismissed from the training programme. I have been working towards this for many years and my chosen career path has now been taken away.

When they told me it was over I didn't know how to react. I just sat there emotionless. This was about 5 days ago. Since then I have not known what to do and I don't know how to express what I feel because I don't know what I am feeling.

I haven't cried, I haven't shouted... just nothing. As if I am empty.

I am not depressed but I am very confused.

This must sound very odd. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Any advice about how to overcome this?

Thanks

T.

  • You tell them you have a disability and they immediately deny you service provision? See a lawyer...that is unacceptable...

  • recombinantsocks, thanks for the reply. I appreciate it.

    I am sure I will feel something eventually. I really don't like the emptiness, I can imagine what a being a zombie may feel like. Husband will probably end up bearing most of it when it happens.

    I will carry on.

    thanks again

    T

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    You do need to talk about this and this forum is a really great place to start. Talking about things helps you to go through and work out different scenarios and to work out all of the pros and cons of your predicament.

    Depression isn't altogether related to sadness. Clinical depression is a thing that most people won't understand until it hits them. Even then, you won't recognise it until afterwards. I don't think that now is the time to go down that route as your GP won't really be able to help you work out what to do next.

    Your husband sounds very understanding so I would suggest that you start talking to him. I know how hard this will be for you. You have gone through a massive disappointment so I would be surprised if you get any further without a few tears. There is a well known cycle that people go through when something like this happens. Denial - depression - acceptance - recovery are, I think, the phases. Depression here doesn't really mean the clinical thing but more of a sadness or short term issue. If it lasts longer, or if it is causing major issues, then you may need to call for help.

    I'm afraid to say that they might have made a sensible decision. Not all people are cut out to do all types of jobs. However, I am quite sure that the church will have various roles and some of the attributes of ASD such as honesty and integrity are hard wired into us more than many other people so I would not give up on a career in the church. I expect that they should be able to provide some advice and counselling for you in this situation and I would strongly recommend seeking their advice and assistance. If a church can't help you then what is the point?

  • Hi recombinantsocks thanks for the reply.

    I have no parents (deceased) or friends. I am married but it's difficult to talk about what has happened when I am not sure I have worked it out myself. He never forces me to talk and gives me space. I express myself far better in writting than spoken word.

    The reasons are because of the breakdown in placements due to communication problems and my poor abilities with social interaction. In my reviews I got so worried that I was unable to look people in the eye at all, I don't read there face/body language and I have trouble responding, I misunderstand their intentions and I am sure all of this has gone against me also, when I may have reacted innapropriately. I had hoped the diagnosis would make a positive difference as it could explain my behaviour but it hasn't helped it has gone against me.

    They have dismissed me because there job within the college was to prepare and recommend me for a role (minister of religion) that could be National and they feel that because the position is a social role and with social responsibility includeing pastoral responsibilites that I would be unsuitable and so they couldn't give me the recommendation or accreditation.

    Even though I understand this, that it seems the role would not be suitable for someone like me. I struggle to accept it. It had been my ambition and passion for the last 10 years.

    I am not relieved by it, they were very aware that I would have done anything to keep on the programme, whatever it took. I have worked very hard to get this far and I was determined to make it. This role was based on my special interests of Theology/Social Justice, I have no idea what I will do now.

    I said I wasn't depressed because I associate depression with sadness and I don't feel sad. But then at the moment I don't feel anything. 

    Thanks for allowing me to vent some of this. Maybe it has already helped.

    T.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    This sounds like a massive shock to you. You will be feeling fairly shocked and traumatised. Who have you got that you can talk to about it? (Parents? Family? Friends?)

    What reasons did they give for dismissing you?

    What was the course? Was it a realistic thing for someone to do with ASD? Are you actually relieved at the decision and the fact that you won't have the stress of carrying on in difficult circumstances?

    The emptiness could be depression or you could be "in shock", why do you say that you are not depressed?