Anyone else not wanting to socialise?

Thank you. I wish you well on your journey. Have you had your outcome yet? Exactly this. I’m desperate for adjustments to be given..to allow me to live a healthy happy life, but I feel judgement and disappointment from those who should know better. Thanks for replying 

Thankyou! Yeh I’m passed conversations I think. I’ve got nothing left in me apart from navigating one day to the next. They either understand or they don’t. Chatting with the partner tomorrow. Wish me luck

I could only dream of this and it sounds like you and your partner are happy in your own bubble/space

Im currently still navigating the fact that some people most are family have known me for 47.5 years without autism and a few months with it. I guess it’s not up to me to convince them to meet me half way

Hello Again. I've really been thinking about this issue of socializing all day today and constantly returning to these messages and reading them. Trying to work out what it means for me and digest the pointers that other people have made that would be really helpful for me too.
And what I think the crux of the matter is is what do we mean by socializing do we mean meeting other people face to face, or  being in a group where we're all participating in the same activity?
And it has really helped me today fundamentally helped me today with my own struggle with socializing.
And I think actually working through these messages today seeing what other people have said having those light bulb moments and pondering the bits that I'm not sure about has all been socialising I've been dealing with other people every time I read these messages every time I've looked at this thread.
So now I'm going to continue with saying this is my social connection this is my socializing admittedly it's perfect for me that I can switch it on and switch it off how I felt today I did just dip into an out of the thread and thought about it while doing other things.
So now when I speak to my social worker who is concerned that I spend so much time on my own and don't communicate with other people I can show her this and say here's me communicating here's me socializing here's me thinking about what other people say and entering into a dialogue with them and thinking about how those people are and what their thoughts are and how they affect me so I'm so socializing.
So what I'm trying to say is in a way try and work out what you mean by socializing and what would work for you.

Therefore if you want to socialize with other people then you have to work out what is and what isn't acceptable in socializing and work out how you're going to protect yourself when you're socializing office forum is me socializing and having social contact in a way that works for me works for my brain and works for my form of autism which is how I am and actually it's been amazing to have this level of socialization today.
So yes I am now going to say any online chatting is socializing that works for me and I hope this is helped other people think about that and think about actually okay this is all this is socializing for them to.

Hi. Im struggling to digest all the replies which stack very confusingly. Anyway my input is that your partner should be on your side not their family. My wife doesn’t expect me to participate in her family’s gatherings and their whatsapp group, so I dont. This works well for us as a couple and it is our 1-1 relationship which is way more important than than socialising with others who I find difficult to understand and communicate with given their in jokes and subtexts I just don’t get. 

Alice + H.  (Married females in spring 2025)

Hi, I've just had an experience that now confirms, why be even try and socialise? I live alone and have no friends in the county, let alone immediate area.  So I have been encouraged by my social worker to attend groups, so I went to an art group for people with mental health issues.  https://www.coda.org.uk/creative-wellbeing-art  on the first visit, I was able to sit in the corner and thus not be hemmed in by people on either side.  Not too many other participants.  Second visit, person next to me kept putting her art things on top of my stuff.  Third visit loud gaggle of friends who obviously had not seen each other for a few sessions, squawked, squealed and generally caused a rather lot of noise, so I left.

Conclusion, its not worth my stress, anxiety and bewilderment to even try and make connect in any sort of group as I just can't handle the level of noise and the totally inane small talk. Resolution, find an art group online and work through the videos. https://theartsherpa.com/ 

I get to interact with the art sherpa in a nice quiet relaxed atmosphere and its probably better to chat online here than continue trying to tolerate a gaggle of others.  

Secondly, before diagnosis, my crutch was alcohol and cigarettes, it was accepted to be able to nip out for a *** at any social or work event.

Also as a lesbian, any social interaction was in clubs and bars or in political groups, so again much easer, sense of purpose and agenda.

Throughout life, I have had significant girlfriends, and this is the first time, I have ever lived alone, without pets either and its very difficult, not having pets part, the people.................................who cares...............................

Back in my younger days, 30+ years prior to my diagnosis I used to be out and about in pubs and bars several days a week, I now realise that it was alcohol that enabled that as it was a huge social crutch. I finally stopped drinking almost a year ago.

I was 53 when I was diagnosed with ASD, I was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression and anxiety at 18, so the writing was always on the wall.

I really don't have much of an interest in other people, I live a quiet life with my wife and dogs. 

I work, so I have some social interactions but I find it fairly tiring. Fortunately I generally get to work independently and I'm pretty much left alone, which suits me well.

There's so many comments, but I just wanted to add that from my experience as a person of almost identical age and currently awaiting the outcome of diagnosis, and having been exploring my neurodiversity in depth for this last year: what you describe sound so similar to my experience. 

I cannot say what another is best doing but I empathise with what you describe and I don't know I'd be able to put myself through that without others making some allowances and adjustments. 

I see your dilema, but my suggestion would be to ask - Who do you really want to please? It's very important to look after yourself, and these situations are no different. Easier said than done, I know, but I'd say a conversation needs to be had with the mother in law, to start! 

She may not understand, or accept it, but you have to be you. Hopefully your partner will assist with this 

It's easier if, like me, you have a partner who is also on the spectrum. We stopped seeing all family members before I realised we were both autistic, we are now in our sixties, both retired, and outside of our relationship I only have 1 friend, which is perfectly satisfactory for me.

As they used to say in Grange Hill - "Just say no" 

I was never given a level like that, I was just diagnosed and told that as I'd managed for 50 years I could keep on doing it, nobody every asked if I had problems in any areas of daily life.

I didn't know what masking was at 12 years old either, it didn't mean I didn't do it, I know I did. I think everybody masks to a certain degree, we all have different bits we present to work, or friends or family, its just with autism I think we know we do it much more conciously, even if we don't know what to call it, then we worry about our masks getting muddled, not working properly or incomplete for the situation we're in, like new people, situations, jobs. Lets think of it like make-up, many women put a little make-up on before going out, maybe some mascara and lip stick at least, and more or different make-up, for work, parties, friends etc. But, imagine you're like a woman I used to know, who was so afraid of being seen without make-up her husband never saw her without it, she's go to the bathroom first and remove that days make-up and put another load on ready for bed and she'd be up before him and do the whole things again. Now obviously thats not normal, but I think many autistic people feel that that level of camoflage is needed all the time in all situations and then wonder why nobody see's US, when in reality we're so used to living behond a mask we don't know how to take it off, so people cant see the real us, then we get afraid that no one will like the real us, even worse that we don't know who the real us is.

I think adolescence is a stage where we learn to mask really really quickly, other girls are learning to apply make-up we're learning to apply masks and they have to be made up right too. There is some evidence that girls are more hard wired for communication than boys, but it dosen't mean we don't struggle, it means that the bar is set higher for girls at the start of adolescence and well know what happens when we fail. The bullying the take downs, the whole ugly experience of it all and whats worse is that we're somehow supposed to know what we did wrong and fix it.

I didn't write that all adolescent girls were always better at socialisation. Anyway, it is an interesting area. I had no idea of masking around 12.

I found this recent finding quite interesting.

"Specifically, they found evidence of more advanced social skills in autistic females than males that mirror sex/gender differences in non-autistic individuals.

Our findings suggest that there are important differences between autistic males and females in terms of their social presentation, which are likely not captured by current diagnostic instruments”, explains Wood-Downie. “This issue might contribute to the under reporting and late recognition of autism in females, thereby delaying access to support”.

www.acamh.org/.../

Update: they're coming down on 7th September for a few days.

we're not happy about this as trying to explain several times. 

I can 100% relate to this and it’s something I’m working towards. Although even 10 mins having a face to face conversation with anyone other than my partner is exhausting 

Yes I’m female. Females with autism arnt always better at socializing. It just appears this way but doesn’t always feel this way to the individual. This is due to masking, and social expectations that females must conversate, be empathetic and amiable. Everybody thinks Im confident when 100% of the time I’m struggling. This is the masking and trying to fit in. I guess this is why I just don’t want to do it. 

I 'divorced' my parents and brother - and don't have a jot of guilt. I also 'adopted' family over the years. Retired, I live as I want to live at last, having 'divorced' all my toxic relationships. I think we need to be inventive, to resolve issues that many do not understand yet never fail to criticise!

Alien0n3arth said:

So my family does not accept me autistic,  needing more space and time, but it seems that it's easier for them to accept me as a weirdo who needs more space and time and living in own inner world. 

I think this is a very good compromise - they don't have to worry about a term which many find frightening or mystifying.

There are 3 support needs for autism. Level 2 is moderate needs. On some assessments they will tell you how you score in the main areas with a value of 1, 2 and 3 which corresponds to the support needs. It proved valid in my case as I was contacted after my test by an OT and told as I had scored at least level 2 in sensory that they could provide me with some further support for this based on that.

What do you mean when you say 'I coped going to family events with moderate sensory some 2's in social interaction and communication? I don't understand what 2's are?

I don’t know if you are a female or not, but females at adolescence are generally considered most with autism to have better social interaction that males with autism.

The fact that you have been diagnosed autism doesn’t mean that you don’t have to be social at all. If it is really difficult say exceptionally loud then that may be a reason sometimes.  Family are often important it is good to try and make an effort if you can.

I coped going to family events with moderate sensory some 2’s in social interaction and communication.

I tried to have breaks and went upstairs and in a quiet room for breaks.  Going on the floor at times helped me to ground myself to.

You could take a fidget and may be have a comfort item.

I could stay for a few hours and then go.  Last time I went to a house gathering I had severe anorexia also and managed it for a few hours.