Anyone else not wanting to socialise?

forget_me_not48 said:

What is the middle ground here and how can we make life work?

I personally say a definite "No" while offering an alternative (when this is felt). Here is a concrete example:

• A: Hey, are you coming over for this Christmas party, there will be music, and drinks, and so forth?
• B: No, that's too late and tiring for me. But I can message you tomorrow if you want to come over and play cards (or anything else: what about sitting by river in the morning / afternoon / evening?)

This needs to be considered in advance of course, and adapted to the person and situation.

I think an open conversation might be what’s required here. You MIL might be more accepting of you not attending things if she realises that it’s nothing personal against HER - but more of a need you have as an autistic person to be in a quiet environment where you can relax and feel comfortable. 

Me, I often dream of it just being me and my animals, my kids down sometimes and a meal that one of us has cooked and a dog walk, but no more than that, just a feeling a spaciousness both physically and mentally. No demands on my time, space and energy, freedom.

Hi there!  It's certainly understandable to have difficulties fitting in with the world of socialising and small talk, and many autistic people struggle with this, especially after a late diagnosis.  I can see our community members have already chimed in with their own experiences!

Since you mentioned how to navigate talking about your diagnosis to others, you might like to have a look at the NAS guidance pages on talking about and disclosing your diagnosis.  The page also contains links to other autistic adults' experiences of talking about their diagnosis, so I hope you find it helpful, and best wishes going forward!  Feel free to let us know how you get on if you decide to talk with your family about your diagnosis.

My family knows me for years for being the weirdo who vanishes during events, so they are not surprised. I happily don't celebrate any birthdays or Christmas or Easter etc. I just text them wishes or sometimes call them. My blessing is the fact that I moved abroad so I have a perfect reason to not show up- it's too far away.

Me and my husband come from different cultural and religious backgrounds, so we respect each other's tradition but don't force one another to take part in it. I honestly don't cultivate my tradition. Most important thing is having peace and place to escape.

When it comes to the term "autism" - from my experience I can say, many people don't accept it or don't understand and have their own stereotypes. I always try to concentrate on specific need rather than autism. For example- I have slower processing, I need more time. I need more space, more time alone. It works much more often than I expected. So my family does not accept me autistic,  needing more space and time, but it seems that it's easier for them to accept me as a weirdo who needs more space and time and living in own inner world. 

I can relate! Especially the last bit. The relief to not have to do these things and benefit to your nervous system is quite something! Can I ask…did you tell them not to come down this year / was there a point you verbalized enough is enough I don’t want to socialize and if so how did it go?

Every year the plan was: relatives come down for a family birthday. Every year my plan got rerouted. 

One year: birthday planned near the railway station. Ended up on a land train instead. Home late, plan gone. 

Birthdays 2022: Inappropriate presents. “We’ll pay for admission + meals” so I’d owe them. 

“Future planning”: Cheques for hiking holidays + residential training courses that didn’t exist. Plus pressure to do uncomfortable things I said no to. 

My group: Explained it 6 times. Got called a “cover up”. One relative eventually listened. One said “sounds like a good group”. 

2023: Cheque for a “rare pension top up”. Felt misleading. Felt sick. 

Pattern: My choices → ignored. My boundaries → pushed. My life → planned by them. 

I left a toxic environment in 2019 to rebuild. That rebuild looks like: events I choose, people who listen, places I want to go. 

 This year they’re not coming down. For my nervous system, that’s a bonus. Not rejection. Relief. 

 My life. My choices. My focus. That’s it.