Choosing not to unmask completely?

Yes, definitely this, some people just seem like they are spoiling for a fight, and it doesn't matter what you say, they've decided to be offended by everything.

It can be frustrating, especially if you don't know what you've done wrong and it seems logical to you, and it might not even be you; if someone is stressed they can start fights with everyone. (Like having had an argument in the pub, then having an argument with you, perhaps one he felt he could win to feel better and get a release of the frustration).

Problem is, that doesn't make a great friend, as it can be scary if you aren't even the reason he's annoyed to begin with. He might have unresolved issues himself.

It sounds like you have a therapist's help at least, to try understand it. I wish there was a magic undo button in life, for when conversations don't go well.

I think some people are simply emotionally illiterate, they really don't understand, like someone who can't read, they may hear the words but they don't make sense in the same way that people can look at words on a page and know that they mean something, but not what.

I've had a few clashes with a close friend recently and I suspect it's due to me saying more of what I actually think (unmasking - diagnosed 2 years ago) ... The thing is, he seems quite dismissive of how/when I explain how I feel to him, he just doesn't get it.

I explain the relentless authenticity in everything I do, the literal communication (speaking and receiving) and have been more obvious in saying when there are phrases or things that really wind me up 

I've tried to explain but it's like talking to a fish and it doesn't seem to be sinking in. Many of my other friends have not been having this reaction, but then I think many of my long term friends are also neurodiverse. 

We had a right row the other day, which even now I can't really explain ... I was being (as I always am) EXTREMELY CLEAR in what I was saying, but I may as well have been talking Japanese from his resulting responses. He was ultimately interpreting what I was saying not for what I was actually saying (literal), but with wherever his mind was going with it, and my therapist says that he was still 'having an argument ' with a bloke in the pub (that he was engaged with about an hour earlier)

Thank you all again. Your replies have given me a lot to think about, and they’ve taken a lot of pressure off my shoulders. I was anxious that deciding not to unmask might go against my recovery, but your perspectives and some additional reading have helped me see that it isn't necessarily required. Keeping my 'masks' and diagnosis to myself feels like the right move for me for now.

I’ve also realised that being an advocate for autism (or for anything really) isn’t in my nature. While I’m more than happy to support other autistic people when it’s needed, speaking about myself publicly is a "no." I’d rather focus on my own path, especially with my severely limited energy.

I think I’ve been making progress in getting slowly out of burnout with small adjustments. It’s been working well, and I can see the light, although I’m still unsure how long it will take or what my new baseline will be. I had several good years in my 20s after leaving my family and hometown. Because of that environment and the people I was with, I felt accepted with minimal masking. I suppose I could use that period as my blueprint. Knowing that some people can accept me as I am, especially with the knowledge I have now, makes me feel I can eventually find a life that can be fulfilling in some ways.

Again, I really appreciate your replies!

ThanksRoy 

Roy said:

Needing solitude shouldn’t be viewed as being “moody,” burnout isn’t being lazy. I told someone I’m autistic who I thought would understand, answer was, “I suspect you just need to sort yourself out a bit more

This feels very familiar, sad to say. I wonder if they realise how much their comments hurt us.

It sounds like you are carving out a life that is more attuned to your own personal interests. That’s great to hear. I think lots of us on here would appreciate a small place with some land. And somewhere to retreat to like a man cave.

For me I have a place I go I call it my quiet place it’s on my doorstep and off the beaten track. It’s very rare I see anyone there and that’s just how I like it. Just me the trees the fields and the wildlife.

I hope you find peace and contentment too in your new home.

unmasking and disclosing are two different things.

it's difficult to unmask in the NT world - and same for disclosure.

I can unmask more at home and with other NDs, but that's about it.  We've learnt to do it for a reason although it comes at great cost too.  Sometimes I think its great that some are very open about being ND to others, maybe that may come a few years down the line with me, I'm only 15 months in from my Autism diagnosis and 3 months in from my ADHD diagnosis, so focusing on what that all means for me without changing who I am to others too much.

As far as disclosing (yes to my mgr and HR for reasonable adjustments -  in theory you don't have to disclose your diagnoses to request these, but I think its easier when you have it as backup) yes for my wife/kids know but not  my mum or sister.  A few friends know - but not all.

It’s a text book so not the easiest read but I found it a very rewarding. Kiran Rose’s website has some of the information from the book

https://theautisticadvocate.com/autistic-masking/

and there is also a shorter paper here; 

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36601266/

 Cinnabar_wing is spot on, no need to answer each of us - just have a read and a ponder. I have certainly benefitted by reading other replies to this thread so many thanks for initiating it,  

I'm really intrigued by the book you mention as a different view point. I shall look out up. It is comforting when you find there are other ways of doing things if one way makes you uncomfortable.

I don't think you need to reply individually if that is too much, putting a general message out is cool, like you did, or some people might find replying at all might get too much. At least on here, doing what you want to do is okay! To start the discussion in itself is appreciated!

Not to say that it can’t be useful to feel free to let ones way of experiencing the world and thinking show, rather than feeling (consciously or unconsciously) it needs to be hidden because it is different in comparison to majority social expectations. But I don’t personally think the weight of this change should be, or can be, in the hands of autistic individual who uses masking to “unmask”, rather we would need societal change towards more acceptance of difference. 

Yes I agree. And I don’t like the tide of self help books that seem to suggest “unmasking” is definable, always useful, or possible. Even if “unmasking” was a series of definable steps, it’s not safe or even survivable to “unmask” for some. 

I do think it’s important to distinguish between the pressure felt to conform by more stigmatised groups or individuals (such as autistic people) who are also likely to experience significant trauma just by being a minority group and commonly misunderstood, as opposed to the usual “identity management” that goes on in all humans (behaving one way at work and another at home etc.). With the latter process not causing as much harm or expense to the individual and not being an adaptation to stigma and trauma. I’m not saying there is clear distinction between these processes, and also both can be neutral, useful and un-useful all at once.  Again something discussed heavily in the Pearson and Rose book and across the research they conduct and/or review. 

There is pressure to conform to the expectations of others coming at individuals from all directions. Probably something fundamental to do with humans being hyper-social apes.

With regards to unmasking as “just another pressure to  make autistic people behave in a certain way”;

In the book “Autistic Masking” (Rose and Pearson) which is a text book rather than an autobiographical account of one person’s experiences (as lots of books on autism are), the authors talk about the interesting phenomenon of one type of autistic masking whereby stereotypical autistic behaviours are exaggerated or deliberately adopted rather than hidden. Lots of autistic teens can be affected by pressure to appear more autistic according to neurotypical expectations of autism, this is in order to gain validation in their autistic identity and avoid micro-aggressions such as “you don’t look autistic” but also to comply with pressure to “unmask” from the predominant neurotype and other autistics. So careful attention is needed to be sure the suggestion to unmask doesn’t create more pressure to mask. Here I mean “to mask” in the wider definition of masking; it isn’t just hiding autistic “traits” it’s also projecting any persona or self part, consciously or unconsciously which onlookers will find more acceptable - and sometimes that may be looking more autistic rather than less so.   

Hi all, I admit I wasn't expecting so many replies and so many insights. I think I need some time to digest everything before I can reply properly. Maybe it's not needed or expected, but I feel like I should try to get back to everyone (beyond just my "fawning" tendencies).

I really appreciate the time you all spent sharing your reflections, and the vulnerability you've shown. My very best wishes to you all.

I wish I could write this as well as you, maybe that’s part of my problem, I struggle to express how I actually feel, it’s maybe fear of the reply.

I’m hopefully permanently moving into my new home soon, it’s still having work done, I have planned a “man cave” to retreat to. 

My nearest family member will be 250 miles away, I’ve decided that I don’t really want contact with them anymore.  I’m hoping Cornwall will give me a space where nobody has prejudged me. My wife is planning to do more social things, swimming and rowing,  I’m happy to work around the property, it has some land with it so i have some space, it’s hard to explain that I don’t need to go out and socialise.
Needing solitude shouldn’t be viewed as being “moody,” burnout isn’t being lazy. I told someone I’m autistic who I thought would understand, answer was, “I suspect you just need to sort yourself out a bit more.”

I find my life is very much me doing things for everyone, when I finally ask for help, nothing is returned.

I do believe there shouldn’t be a them and us culture, but I do wonder if N.T people ever can understand what it’s like to be autistic.

I really hope you find happiness in your new life.

Unmasking as a panacea for all that ails all autistic people who mask, in my opinion, is just another pressure to  make autistic people behave in a certain way. This time it comes from parts of the autistic community, rather than from allistic society. Like all claimed 'cure-alls' it is inaccurate and exaggerated. Most autistic people, who are capable of masking, mask. It is a useful coping strategy, it works, otherwise why would we do it? The real goal, again in my opinion, is balance. Getting the balance between the benefits of masking in easing interactions in society with any harm that masking might do to an autistic person's mental health is the real goal that the individual should be aiming for. Not simplistic, but the reality for most.

So feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever, for whatever level of masking works best for you.

I too struggle with unmasking. As you say after 50 years where do the masks end and you begin. In some ways masking is for self protection. It is also about fitting in and the path of least resistance.

However, we must be aware of the negative effects that masking can have on us due to the amount of 'energy' we expend just to appear 'ourselves'

Un masking is like peeling an onion, peeling back the layers, with each layer bringing tears to your eyes. How many layers do we peel back and what happens when you peel all the layers away.

Personally I have so many masks / layers of 'protection' in order to survive my life but I now realise  that some masking is ok.

Regarding employment, as regular readers will be aware, this is a minefield. What I thought of as asking for helpful accommodations turned out to be the excuse to move me on to be someone else's problem. You think that the law is on your side but there are so many ways employers try to fudge the lines. I am lucky that at my age my career being prematurely ended is not the blow it would have been 10 or 20 years ago.

My moral compass does not allow me to sit back and accept it.

This is a tough one and I can only speak of my experience rather than giving advice because honestly it can be life changing and not in what some people would accept as a good change.

I am still in the process of discovering who I really am with the help of my therapist. I have always thought that my purpose in life was to serve others and make sure they were happy without considering my own needs.

Since trying gently to push a little in my primary relationships to fulfill my needs there has been significant pushback which hurts but it has gradually led me to understand I only exist for what I can bring to those relationships and they don’t want me to change.

Its weird but my autism diagnosis has brought clarity to so many aspects of my life, and I am grateful it has.

Yes it hurts but I feel like a weight has been lifted because I have cut contact with mum and dad to a minimum and I am in the process of aiming to live on my own away from husband in the very near future hopefully.  I no longer have to carry the weight of their emotions which feels quite freeing.

It’s such a delicate area unmasking but we all deserve to live a life where we are living in a way that gives contentment and peace.

Hopefully I’ve found that path and hope you can find it too.

Thank you for writing this, it’s something I’m struggling with at the moment. I’ve tried to unmask around people, but apart from one person I have only received negative comments. 

I feel like I’ve finally awoken, but must keep all the thoughts inside my head, otherwise it just leads to, “ you used to like that.”

Im trying not to regress but I find it easier just to watch and not make comment, I feel less and less like I belong where I am.

I wonder why I waited three years for a diagnosis, I’m treated exactly the same and expected to do everything I did before.