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Choosing not to unmask completely?

Deleted User

Sometimes, I feel that the cost of unmasking and risking feeling misunderstood regarding my own autism may be greater than keeping the diagnosis for myself, not talking about it, and resuming my previous life while mitigating the problems with some invisible adjustments.

I can imagine the risks of possibly suppressing my own needs and working against my own brain and body, but being almost 50 years old means that I'm somehow a hybrid of a newly discovered autistic self and life-spanning coping and surviving mechanisms, and that the latter are an integral part of myself.

I've read that some people decide to do that. I'm just wondering if someone here has managed to resume their previous life, choosing to leave the "label" behind so others don't know, in a way where they feel complete and happy despite choosing not to unmask completely?

Parents

  • Unmasking as a panacea for all that ails all autistic people who mask, in my opinion, is just another pressure to  make autistic people behave in a certain way. This time it comes from parts of the autistic community, rather than from allistic society. Like all claimed 'cure-alls' it is inaccurate and exaggerated. Most autistic people, who are capable of masking, mask. It is a useful coping strategy, it works, otherwise why would we do it? The real goal, again in my opinion, is balance. Getting the balance between the benefits of masking in easing interactions in society with any harm that masking might do to an autistic person's mental health is the real goal that the individual should be aiming for. Not simplistic, but the reality for most.

    So feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever, for whatever level of masking works best for you.

  • in reply to Martin

    With regards to unmasking as “just another pressure to  make autistic people behave in a certain way”;

    In the book “Autistic Masking” (Rose and Pearson) which is a text book rather than an autobiographical account of one person’s experiences (as lots of books on autism are), the authors talk about the interesting phenomenon of one type of autistic masking whereby stereotypical autistic behaviours are exaggerated or deliberately adopted rather than hidden. Lots of autistic teens can be affected by pressure to appear more autistic according to neurotypical expectations of autism, this is in order to gain validation in their autistic identity and avoid micro-aggressions such as “you don’t look autistic” but also to comply with pressure to “unmask” from the predominant neurotype and other autistics. So careful attention is needed to be sure the suggestion to unmask doesn’t create more pressure to mask. Here I mean “to mask” in the wider definition of masking; it isn’t just hiding autistic “traits” it’s also projecting any persona or self part, consciously or unconsciously which onlookers will find more acceptable - and sometimes that may be looking more autistic rather than less so.   

  • in reply to Cheese_and_Biscuits

    There is pressure to conform to the expectations of others coming at individuals from all directions. Probably something fundamental to do with humans being hyper-social apes.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    It’s a text book so not the easiest read but I found it a very rewarding. Kiran Rose’s website has some of the information from the book

    https://theautisticadvocate.com/autistic-masking/

    and there is also a shorter paper here; 

    https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36601266/

  • in reply to Cheese_and_Biscuits

    I'm really intrigued by the book you mention as a different view point. I shall look out up. It is comforting when you find there are other ways of doing things if one way makes you uncomfortable.

  • in reply to Cheese_and_Biscuits

    Not to say that it can’t be useful to feel free to let ones way of experiencing the world and thinking show, rather than feeling (consciously or unconsciously) it needs to be hidden because it is different in comparison to majority social expectations. But I don’t personally think the weight of this change should be, or can be, in the hands of autistic individual who uses masking to “unmask”, rather we would need societal change towards more acceptance of difference. 

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  • in reply to Cheese_and_Biscuits

    Not to say that it can’t be useful to feel free to let ones way of experiencing the world and thinking show, rather than feeling (consciously or unconsciously) it needs to be hidden because it is different in comparison to majority social expectations. But I don’t personally think the weight of this change should be, or can be, in the hands of autistic individual who uses masking to “unmask”, rather we would need societal change towards more acceptance of difference. 

Children