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Choosing not to unmask completely?

counterpoint

Sometimes, I feel that the cost of unmasking and risking feeling misunderstood regarding my own autism may be greater than keeping the diagnosis for myself, not talking about it, and resuming my previous life while mitigating the problems with some invisible adjustments.

I can imagine the risks of possibly suppressing my own needs and working against my own brain and body, but being almost 50 years old means that I'm somehow a hybrid of a newly discovered autistic self and life-spanning coping and surviving mechanisms, and that the latter are an integral part of myself.

I've read that some people decide to do that. I'm just wondering if someone here has managed to resume their previous life, choosing to leave the "label" behind so others don't know, in a way where they feel complete and happy despite choosing not to unmask completely?

Parents

  • I find it difficult to unmask in real life, or even contemplate it. I read the first book on unmasking by Devon Price and found it more worrying than anything! The things they claimed were unmasking just seemed like being rude to me! 

    It all seemed so scary, I've kind of wrapped it up and kept it mostly hidden. My husband says I've changed a bit, but thing's like stimming, I do when I'm walking around the house when no one sees me, as I feel so noticeable and perceived even if I do stuff round him. I was a bit more of a mess when I was in burn out, but I'm feeling a bit better from that now, so trying to relax around people, knowing I'm masking but also knowing I can talk to people at school gates, etc., and I think it's working. I'm trying to be more gentle on myself and not angry or upset with myself for getting small talk wrong, as now I know I do have a genuine problem with doing it. I don't have much social demands anyway, and even before I knew about autism, I would plan to just rest up and chill afterwards, and plan easy meals. 

    Talking about myself in real life is difficult, and I don't need accommodations for work, so it's easier to just not say anything. I'm so crap at tricky conversations, the other night I was trying to say to my son about, I can't even type it now, but making sure he knew I was giving him some money for something rather than it just appearing in the morning, and I couldn't say the actual words, but gave rather crap hints and then stressed I'd confused him more. I think it's okay. I mean if I can't do that right, I'm not going to be able to tell people anything more complicated! 

    I'm such a people pleaser, I worry I never developed a personality apart from that, I was always more worried about making sure everyone else's lives were easier than my own. Trying to think about working out which bits are masking and which aren't doesn't even feel right. It's so much easier to hide from the world than be seen.

    The biggest boon is that my husband now also has a reason why I am like I am, and it's given me language to talk about it with him at least, even if I can't do eye contact while doing it. And it's helped the kids too with understanding each of their quirks. It is good to know, but I'm not sure what I'll do with it outside of this forum!

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    I've had a few clashes with a close friend recently and I suspect it's due to me saying more of what I actually think (unmasking - diagnosed 2 years ago) ... The thing is, he seems quite dismissive of how/when I explain how I feel to him, he just doesn't get it.

    I explain the relentless authenticity in everything I do, the literal communication (speaking and receiving) and have been more obvious in saying when there are phrases or things that really wind me up 

    I've tried to explain but it's like talking to a fish and it doesn't seem to be sinking in. Many of my other friends have not been having this reaction, but then I think many of my long term friends are also neurodiverse. 

    We had a right row the other day, which even now I can't really explain ... I was being (as I always am) EXTREMELY CLEAR in what I was saying, but I may as well have been talking Japanese from his resulting responses. He was ultimately interpreting what I was saying not for what I was actually saying (literal), but with wherever his mind was going with it, and my therapist says that he was still 'having an argument ' with a bloke in the pub (that he was engaged with about an hour earlier)

  • in reply to Literal_Joe

    I think some people are simply emotionally illiterate, they really don't understand, like someone who can't read, they may hear the words but they don't make sense in the same way that people can look at words on a page and know that they mean something, but not what.

Reply Children
  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Yes, definitely this, some people just seem like they are spoiling for a fight, and it doesn't matter what you say, they've decided to be offended by everything.

    It can be frustrating, especially if you don't know what you've done wrong and it seems logical to you, and it might not even be you; if someone is stressed they can start fights with everyone. (Like having had an argument in the pub, then having an argument with you, perhaps one he felt he could win to feel better and get a release of the frustration).

    Problem is, that doesn't make a great friend, as it can be scary if you aren't even the reason he's annoyed to begin with. He might have unresolved issues himself.

    It sounds like you have a therapist's help at least, to try understand it. I wish there was a magic undo button in life, for when conversations don't go well.