Choosing not to unmask completely?

I find it difficult to unmask in real life, or even contemplate it. I read the first book on unmasking by Devon Price and found it more worrying than anything! The things they claimed were unmasking just seemed like being rude to me! 

It all seemed so scary, I've kind of wrapped it up and kept it mostly hidden. My husband says I've changed a bit, but thing's like stimming, I do when I'm walking around the house when no one sees me, as I feel so noticeable and perceived even if I do stuff round him. I was a bit more of a mess when I was in burn out, but I'm feeling a bit better from that now, so trying to relax around people, knowing I'm masking but also knowing I can talk to people at school gates, etc., and I think it's working. I'm trying to be more gentle on myself and not angry or upset with myself for getting small talk wrong, as now I know I do have a genuine problem with doing it. I don't have much social demands anyway, and even before I knew about autism, I would plan to just rest up and chill afterwards, and plan easy meals. 

Talking about myself in real life is difficult, and I don't need accommodations for work, so it's easier to just not say anything. I'm so crap at tricky conversations, the other night I was trying to say to my son about, I can't even type it now, but making sure he knew I was giving him some money for something rather than it just appearing in the morning, and I couldn't say the actual words, but gave rather crap hints and then stressed I'd confused him more. I think it's okay. I mean if I can't do that right, I'm not going to be able to tell people anything more complicated! 

I'm such a people pleaser, I worry I never developed a personality apart from that, I was always more worried about making sure everyone else's lives were easier than my own. Trying to think about working out which bits are masking and which aren't doesn't even feel right. It's so much easier to hide from the world than be seen.

The biggest boon is that my husband now also has a reason why I am like I am, and it's given me language to talk about it with him at least, even if I can't do eye contact while doing it. And it's helped the kids too with understanding each of their quirks. It is good to know, but I'm not sure what I'll do with it outside of this forum!

I find it difficult to unmask in real life, or even contemplate it. I read the first book on unmasking by Devon Price and found it more worrying than anything! The things they claimed were unmasking just seemed like being rude to me! 

It all seemed so scary, I've kind of wrapped it up and kept it mostly hidden. My husband says I've changed a bit, but thing's like stimming, I do when I'm walking around the house when no one sees me, as I feel so noticeable and perceived even if I do stuff round him. I was a bit more of a mess when I was in burn out, but I'm feeling a bit better from that now, so trying to relax around people, knowing I'm masking but also knowing I can talk to people at school gates, etc., and I think it's working. I'm trying to be more gentle on myself and not angry or upset with myself for getting small talk wrong, as now I know I do have a genuine problem with doing it. I don't have much social demands anyway, and even before I knew about autism, I would plan to just rest up and chill afterwards, and plan easy meals. 

Talking about myself in real life is difficult, and I don't need accommodations for work, so it's easier to just not say anything. I'm so crap at tricky conversations, the other night I was trying to say to my son about, I can't even type it now, but making sure he knew I was giving him some money for something rather than it just appearing in the morning, and I couldn't say the actual words, but gave rather crap hints and then stressed I'd confused him more. I think it's okay. I mean if I can't do that right, I'm not going to be able to tell people anything more complicated! 

I'm such a people pleaser, I worry I never developed a personality apart from that, I was always more worried about making sure everyone else's lives were easier than my own. Trying to think about working out which bits are masking and which aren't doesn't even feel right. It's so much easier to hide from the world than be seen.

The biggest boon is that my husband now also has a reason why I am like I am, and it's given me language to talk about it with him at least, even if I can't do eye contact while doing it. And it's helped the kids too with understanding each of their quirks. It is good to know, but I'm not sure what I'll do with it outside of this forum!

Thank you for sharing that, it’s really touching. I relate to what you said about unmasking advice feeling scary. It’s hard to just stop prioritising others after 50 years.

I’ve shared my diagnosis with several people I’m close with and thought they’d understand a bit more, and these weren't great moments. I'm sharing this because it somehow highlights why your caution makes sense. Someone told me that they don't believe in labels and that people keep making up new ones. Someone said everyone is neurodivergent or that it's "depression talking." Someone else keeps trying to find me a "treatment" for autism, and another person cried that they don't know who I am anymore.

It even happened at work. When I said to my employer that I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD, and was struggling with burnout and might need to reduce my hours, they said they were disappointed and asked me to leave immediately. Later, I started to understand how difficult it is for someone who has known you for a long time to accept that they may not know you as well as they thought. It's a heavy thing for them to accept and accommodate cognitively, and honestly, I'm starting to question whether it's something one can even ask another person for.

Your strategy of planning easy meals and resting after the school gates is exactly the kind of 'invisible adjustment' I was thinking about. It seems like a way to look after yourself while keeping your peace.

I also feel that worry about not having a personality apart from people-pleasing. I believe there's some core buried deep down, but at our age, those coping mechanisms aren't just a mask we can take off. They are an integral part of who we have become. We're the sum of our neurodivergence, the effect of typical socialisation and long-term participation in "normal" life, and the wounds we acquired.

It’s good that your husband has that 'reason' now, even if you keep the label private elsewhere! Thank you again!