Masking and late autism discovery

Hey John, welcome! 

I think you've had since amazing replies on masking, I've enjoyed reading them myself, it's handy to know your not alone with all the confusing feelings isn't it! I can't quite separate myself from masking, I don't quite know who I am without it. I think I internalise a lot instead as I've always done.

I just wanted to add on a few other points, your worry about whether helping people is masking. If there is any autistic characteristics affecting you here, I think rather than masking, it's that autistic people often have a strong sense of social justice, so you helping people who are homeless could be really fulfilling for you if you feel this way. I have a great admiration for those helping those with nothing! I wish I could do more, I'm more of an armchair activist.

Also I know what you mean about unknowingly teaching your kids to mask as I've been in much the same boat. I only realised I was autistic last year as my son was being assessed, and so much of how I am makes sense now. I remember telling my daughter that it was generally expected to make eye contact when people like teachers talked to you, and how to make gestures and noises they might expect to show you are listening. I also realised I automatically explain a lot of social etiquette to them and common phrases and sayings, as I saw them as not naturally obvious and requiring to be taught. My son loves to be pedantic with language and asks for explanations and that's always been totally normal to me. Now I just know why!

Masking and camouflaging is done by almost all autistic people who are capable of doing so. It is a survival strategy. It only becomes a problem if it is causing distress, when it can lead to mental health problems. I mask almost seamlessly, and other than fatigue if I overdo socialising, it causes me no distress and is useful in navigating the allistic world. I have, after some thought, come to the conclusion that my masking is as much a part of me as my autism and I therefore do not agonise about what is masking and what is not. The masking me is still the real me.

Hi John and welcome. I was diagnosed last summer at 59 so have been processing a lot! Good luck with your own journey and for your daughter too. My thoughts in response your questions are:

1. Explaining that masking is part of navigating an NT-designed world is sound. Each of us does this in our own way so your daughter will develop her own skills and strategies around  this. Also important to mention the energy cost of masking and how to replenish and rest to avoid burnout.

2. Yes and it's complicated. We can turn ourselves inside out analysing and re-analysing the motives for a lifetime of actions. A self-compassionate stance is that we have done our best with the tools, knowledge and environment we had.

In my own case, I recognise that my kindness and helpfulness both come from a good moral place, but my people pleasing has been a learned post-trauma survival strategy which hurts me by suppressing my needs, so addressing that is where the 'work' is for me.

3. I think it harsh to call it lying. Lying is deliberate and conscious, while masking is often unconscious. Masking is often a defence or survival strategy, not manipulative. A fully unmasked life would be deeply authentic but, in a neurotypical-led world, may well not be safe or in our best interests (e g. at work). What feels more achievable is a life less masked in settings and with people where it feels safe, e.g. with other autistic people.

Welcome John. I've only been a member here for a few days, following my own recent autistic revelation. I'm still trying to come to terms with all this myself, so too soon to be able to answer your questions with any meaningful experience other than to agree with your thoughts.

I can't work out how much to mask, because I think of it not so much as lying but as withholding the truth about myself. No problem with associates and casual friends, but I think that those close to me deserve the truth. And therein lies the challenge:

- how to be completely open with loved ones without upsetting them with my crappy communication?

I tried again this evening with my wife of 30 years, and even with my inability to judge what others are thinking and feeling, it was painfully obvious how much my honesty and openness was hurting her. I had to stop and walk away. So I'm now thinking that our relationship was so much better when I was unintentionally masking. Hopefully this is just another of those hurdles to cross.

Hi John. Welcome to the community. Ref masking that's hard for me to answer. I'm late diagnosed within the last month or so. All I've ever known is masking. To undo years or learned behaviour is daunting but Mr T is right with regards to self protection. I don't think masking is lying. I think its an extra layer of self protection on top of the initial layer your body gives you for free. Its lovey you have such a close relationship with your daughter. People on here are helpful and knowledgeable. I flit in and out of masking at the moment but at least I'm learning to show bits of who was hiding for all these years. 

Thank you so much  ️ having just joined here I already feel comforted by the replies I’ve had 

Hey profdanger, good morning/afternoon to you too. 

thanks so much for replying (my first post here) 

definitely not too long and I did read

what youve said is very life affirming for me - I guess everyone does a little masking from time to time 

hopefully with time I will be able to understand when I am and when I’m not masking 

1. Some masking is useful for self protection.

In an ideal world we would not have to mask but to survive especially in employment.. It will be a personal choice but teaching the basics of how to survive in a NT world would be a positive. However masking does take a lot of energy to keep it up.

2. That seems to be a general feeling when first diagnosed or first realisation if self diagnosed.

3.If it is a relationship other than personal, masking can be a protection. If in a personal relationship it is better to be open and honest and try to reduce masking. I find even knowing this I do a lot of masking unconsciously and automatically. But then I am  Late diagnosed or a 'lateling' so have many years and many layers of masking to try and unmask fully.

Good morning from America, John!

That’s awesome that you have such a relationship with your daughter that you can help each other out in navigating a NT world! I similarly have a daughter with Autism, though she is still pretty young (7).

1. Absolutely help your daughter learn how to mask. Masking is something that is necessary to a certain extent. While it is great to unmask as much as you can, it’s not completely a negative thing. Masking can be draining and insincere, but when used sparingly can help adapt to the world.

2. That’s not unusual for older Autistics to feel a sense of not knowing themselves after discovering they are Autistic. That’s a long time of unconsciously masking. Now I don’t know you, but my bet would be that you do genuinely want to help people deep down, but you certainly have to mask when you do it.

3. Eh, not really in my opinion. It can be less sincere, but for some Autistics it’s just not natural to socialize at all. You can try unmasking around people you are comfortable with, but ultimately there will always be a little sense of masking involved in socializing.

I hope that makes sense. Masking’s kind of a tricky topic. But TL;DR masking isn’t necessarily a bad thing when used responsibly.