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Masking and late autism discovery

JohnCrane11

Hello, my names John - I’m a 45 year old guy from the uk. 

i have recently come to the realisation that I am autistic - this is through helping my daughter navigate through life and her researching things for herself which we’ve realised apply to me too - probably why I’ve been able to help her (things like messaging friends , why matter of fact texts may be causing others to misunderstand meaning, generally dealing with others). However I’ve realised I’ve been teaching her how to mask effectively. 

first question is should I be doing that and do other people with autism think that is a good idea - teaching to mask - to me if feels  inherently negative right now. 

Second question , do others feel lost and wonder that they have got so good at masking that they are unsure of who they really are  (I guess like what is their true self). I work in a job where I help vulnerable adults (homelessness). Right now I’m wondering if my desire to help people is just me masking into what I think is the right thing to do or do I genuinely want to help people? 

third …… is masking lying - I wonder if my relationships with people are real or they are relationships between them and my masked self? 

id love to know if anyone else has had these thoughts 

Parents

  • Hi John and welcome. I was diagnosed last summer at 59 so have been processing a lot! Good luck with your own journey and for your daughter too. My thoughts in response your questions are:

    1. Explaining that masking is part of navigating an NT-designed world is sound. Each of us does this in our own way so your daughter will develop her own skills and strategies around  this. Also important to mention the energy cost of masking and how to replenish and rest to avoid burnout.

    2. Yes and it's complicated. We can turn ourselves inside out analysing and re-analysing the motives for a lifetime of actions. A self-compassionate stance is that we have done our best with the tools, knowledge and environment we had.

    In my own case, I recognise that my kindness and helpfulness both come from a good moral place, but my people pleasing has been a learned post-trauma survival strategy which hurts me by suppressing my needs, so addressing that is where the 'work' is for me.

    3. I think it harsh to call it lying. Lying is deliberate and conscious, while masking is often unconscious. Masking is often a defence or survival strategy, not manipulative. A fully unmasked life would be deeply authentic but, in a neurotypical-led world, may well not be safe or in our best interests (e g. at work). What feels more achievable is a life less masked in settings and with people where it feels safe, e.g. with other autistic people.

Reply

  • Hi John and welcome. I was diagnosed last summer at 59 so have been processing a lot! Good luck with your own journey and for your daughter too. My thoughts in response your questions are:

    1. Explaining that masking is part of navigating an NT-designed world is sound. Each of us does this in our own way so your daughter will develop her own skills and strategies around  this. Also important to mention the energy cost of masking and how to replenish and rest to avoid burnout.

    2. Yes and it's complicated. We can turn ourselves inside out analysing and re-analysing the motives for a lifetime of actions. A self-compassionate stance is that we have done our best with the tools, knowledge and environment we had.

    In my own case, I recognise that my kindness and helpfulness both come from a good moral place, but my people pleasing has been a learned post-trauma survival strategy which hurts me by suppressing my needs, so addressing that is where the 'work' is for me.

    3. I think it harsh to call it lying. Lying is deliberate and conscious, while masking is often unconscious. Masking is often a defence or survival strategy, not manipulative. A fully unmasked life would be deeply authentic but, in a neurotypical-led world, may well not be safe or in our best interests (e g. at work). What feels more achievable is a life less masked in settings and with people where it feels safe, e.g. with other autistic people.

Children
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