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Masking and late autism discovery

JohnCrane11

Hello, my names John - I’m a 45 year old guy from the uk. 

i have recently come to the realisation that I am autistic - this is through helping my daughter navigate through life and her researching things for herself which we’ve realised apply to me too - probably why I’ve been able to help her (things like messaging friends , why matter of fact texts may be causing others to misunderstand meaning, generally dealing with others). However I’ve realised I’ve been teaching her how to mask effectively. 

first question is should I be doing that and do other people with autism think that is a good idea - teaching to mask - to me if feels  inherently negative right now. 

Second question , do others feel lost and wonder that they have got so good at masking that they are unsure of who they really are  (I guess like what is their true self). I work in a job where I help vulnerable adults (homelessness). Right now I’m wondering if my desire to help people is just me masking into what I think is the right thing to do or do I genuinely want to help people? 

third …… is masking lying - I wonder if my relationships with people are real or they are relationships between them and my masked self? 

id love to know if anyone else has had these thoughts 

Parents

  • Hey John, welcome! 

    I think you've had since amazing replies on masking, I've enjoyed reading them myself, it's handy to know your not alone with all the confusing feelings isn't it! I can't quite separate myself from masking, I don't quite know who I am without it. I think I internalise a lot instead as I've always done.

    I just wanted to add on a few other points, your worry about whether helping people is masking. If there is any autistic characteristics affecting you here, I think rather than masking, it's that autistic people often have a strong sense of social justice, so you helping people who are homeless could be really fulfilling for you if you feel this way. I have a great admiration for those helping those with nothing! I wish I could do more, I'm more of an armchair activist.

    Also I know what you mean about unknowingly teaching your kids to mask as I've been in much the same boat. I only realised I was autistic last year as my son was being assessed, and so much of how I am makes sense now. I remember telling my daughter that it was generally expected to make eye contact when people like teachers talked to you, and how to make gestures and noises they might expect to show you are listening. I also realised I automatically explain a lot of social etiquette to them and common phrases and sayings, as I saw them as not naturally obvious and requiring to be taught. My son loves to be pedantic with language and asks for explanations and that's always been totally normal to me. Now I just know why!

Reply

  • Hey John, welcome! 

    I think you've had since amazing replies on masking, I've enjoyed reading them myself, it's handy to know your not alone with all the confusing feelings isn't it! I can't quite separate myself from masking, I don't quite know who I am without it. I think I internalise a lot instead as I've always done.

    I just wanted to add on a few other points, your worry about whether helping people is masking. If there is any autistic characteristics affecting you here, I think rather than masking, it's that autistic people often have a strong sense of social justice, so you helping people who are homeless could be really fulfilling for you if you feel this way. I have a great admiration for those helping those with nothing! I wish I could do more, I'm more of an armchair activist.

    Also I know what you mean about unknowingly teaching your kids to mask as I've been in much the same boat. I only realised I was autistic last year as my son was being assessed, and so much of how I am makes sense now. I remember telling my daughter that it was generally expected to make eye contact when people like teachers talked to you, and how to make gestures and noises they might expect to show you are listening. I also realised I automatically explain a lot of social etiquette to them and common phrases and sayings, as I saw them as not naturally obvious and requiring to be taught. My son loves to be pedantic with language and asks for explanations and that's always been totally normal to me. Now I just know why!

Children
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