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Masking and late autism discovery

JohnCrane11

Hello, my names John - I’m a 45 year old guy from the uk. 

i have recently come to the realisation that I am autistic - this is through helping my daughter navigate through life and her researching things for herself which we’ve realised apply to me too - probably why I’ve been able to help her (things like messaging friends , why matter of fact texts may be causing others to misunderstand meaning, generally dealing with others). However I’ve realised I’ve been teaching her how to mask effectively. 

first question is should I be doing that and do other people with autism think that is a good idea - teaching to mask - to me if feels  inherently negative right now. 

Second question , do others feel lost and wonder that they have got so good at masking that they are unsure of who they really are  (I guess like what is their true self). I work in a job where I help vulnerable adults (homelessness). Right now I’m wondering if my desire to help people is just me masking into what I think is the right thing to do or do I genuinely want to help people? 

third …… is masking lying - I wonder if my relationships with people are real or they are relationships between them and my masked self? 

id love to know if anyone else has had these thoughts 

Parents

  • Welcome John. I've only been a member here for a few days, following my own recent autistic revelation. I'm still trying to come to terms with all this myself, so too soon to be able to answer your questions with any meaningful experience other than to agree with your thoughts.

    I can't work out how much to mask, because I think of it not so much as lying but as withholding the truth about myself. No problem with associates and casual friends, but I think that those close to me deserve the truth. And therein lies the challenge:

    - how to be completely open with loved ones without upsetting them with my crappy communication?

    I tried again this evening with my wife of 30 years, and even with my inability to judge what others are thinking and feeling, it was painfully obvious how much my honesty and openness was hurting her. I had to stop and walk away. So I'm now thinking that our relationship was so much better when I was unintentionally masking. Hopefully this is just another of those hurdles to cross.

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  • Welcome John. I've only been a member here for a few days, following my own recent autistic revelation. I'm still trying to come to terms with all this myself, so too soon to be able to answer your questions with any meaningful experience other than to agree with your thoughts.

    I can't work out how much to mask, because I think of it not so much as lying but as withholding the truth about myself. No problem with associates and casual friends, but I think that those close to me deserve the truth. And therein lies the challenge:

    - how to be completely open with loved ones without upsetting them with my crappy communication?

    I tried again this evening with my wife of 30 years, and even with my inability to judge what others are thinking and feeling, it was painfully obvious how much my honesty and openness was hurting her. I had to stop and walk away. So I'm now thinking that our relationship was so much better when I was unintentionally masking. Hopefully this is just another of those hurdles to cross.

Children
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