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Masking and late autism discovery

JohnCrane11

Hello, my names John - I’m a 45 year old guy from the uk. 

i have recently come to the realisation that I am autistic - this is through helping my daughter navigate through life and her researching things for herself which we’ve realised apply to me too - probably why I’ve been able to help her (things like messaging friends , why matter of fact texts may be causing others to misunderstand meaning, generally dealing with others). However I’ve realised I’ve been teaching her how to mask effectively. 

first question is should I be doing that and do other people with autism think that is a good idea - teaching to mask - to me if feels  inherently negative right now. 

Second question , do others feel lost and wonder that they have got so good at masking that they are unsure of who they really are  (I guess like what is their true self). I work in a job where I help vulnerable adults (homelessness). Right now I’m wondering if my desire to help people is just me masking into what I think is the right thing to do or do I genuinely want to help people? 

third …… is masking lying - I wonder if my relationships with people are real or they are relationships between them and my masked self? 

id love to know if anyone else has had these thoughts 

Parents

  • Good morning from America, John!

    That’s awesome that you have such a relationship with your daughter that you can help each other out in navigating a NT world! I similarly have a daughter with Autism, though she is still pretty young (7).

    1. Absolutely help your daughter learn how to mask. Masking is something that is necessary to a certain extent. While it is great to unmask as much as you can, it’s not completely a negative thing. Masking can be draining and insincere, but when used sparingly can help adapt to the world.

    2. That’s not unusual for older Autistics to feel a sense of not knowing themselves after discovering they are Autistic. That’s a long time of unconsciously masking. Now I don’t know you, but my bet would be that you do genuinely want to help people deep down, but you certainly have to mask when you do it.

    3. Eh, not really in my opinion. It can be less sincere, but for some Autistics it’s just not natural to socialize at all. You can try unmasking around people you are comfortable with, but ultimately there will always be a little sense of masking involved in socializing.

    I hope that makes sense. Masking’s kind of a tricky topic. But TL;DR masking isn’t necessarily a bad thing when used responsibly.

Reply

  • Good morning from America, John!

    That’s awesome that you have such a relationship with your daughter that you can help each other out in navigating a NT world! I similarly have a daughter with Autism, though she is still pretty young (7).

    1. Absolutely help your daughter learn how to mask. Masking is something that is necessary to a certain extent. While it is great to unmask as much as you can, it’s not completely a negative thing. Masking can be draining and insincere, but when used sparingly can help adapt to the world.

    2. That’s not unusual for older Autistics to feel a sense of not knowing themselves after discovering they are Autistic. That’s a long time of unconsciously masking. Now I don’t know you, but my bet would be that you do genuinely want to help people deep down, but you certainly have to mask when you do it.

    3. Eh, not really in my opinion. It can be less sincere, but for some Autistics it’s just not natural to socialize at all. You can try unmasking around people you are comfortable with, but ultimately there will always be a little sense of masking involved in socializing.

    I hope that makes sense. Masking’s kind of a tricky topic. But TL;DR masking isn’t necessarily a bad thing when used responsibly.

Children
  • in reply to profdanger

    Hey profdanger, good morning/afternoon to you too. 

    thanks so much for replying (my first post here) 

    definitely not too long and I did read Blush

    what youve said is very life affirming for me - I guess everyone does a little masking from time to time 

    hopefully with time I will be able to understand when I am and when I’m not masking