Giving and recieving gifts

That is so sweet to hear! One time I made a birthday card for my dad and he said it looked horrible which really upset me and then he blamed me for ruining his birthday! He even trapped me from leaving a room at one point because I was crying and wanting my mum to comfort me. Sorry all these traumas are too much for me to write. I really am not wanting to go on holiday with him again, he’s been so off since 2023 and didn’t like it when my mum and I were truely making amends from fights caused her sister, he stopped us from being friends and more fights continued until I got my flat. Sorry it’s very traumatising. 

Oh god yes! I can understand this one. Do you find it goes the other way as well? As in, you give a gift then you’re looking at their expression and you are trying to analyse if they  like it or not … then somehow you’ve convinced yourself they don’t. 

I totally agree with your mum. A hug and a chat with my children is genuinely like gold to me

Aww thank you so much for your kind words Kate! I might try and get a little something of Amazon maybe but not sure if anything would arrive before Christmas now even with prime. Mum has said just a hug and a chat is enough for her and I think that’s so sweet and emotional . Again I think all this gaslighting and guilt tripping from others has lead me to feel this way

Thank you! Say he can be very controlling and then guilt trips me and does things to annoy me until I give in to his demands. Like it’s his way or no way. I’m so sorry your dad was also unpleasant with you as well. My dad can’t accept he’s been a bad parent and won’t accept the truth. I even suggested if he had autism and he lost it with me and said I shouldn’t just assume but I was only asking a question. I mean not all autistic people are nice and it’s worse when they use that or any mental illness as their excuse to bullying others

ArchaeC said:

That’s interesting and perhaps the subliminal messages through media and society contributed to your self-imposed rules

Yeah, I can't quite remember the formation of that rule, though it could have been everyone always saying you had to wait till Christmas, so that was fairly black and white for me! By 9 years, I was actually in charge of hiding the 'secret' presents, as my mum knew I would make sure they didn't get opened before the day! 

I'm not as fixed on other traditions as growing my mum did lots of different things for Christmas dinner, so I'm okay with change there. This year as my son has started having a preference for vegetarian food, we are going to do a nut roast, though still doing a roast on the side as my daughter might not be keen. 

Oh un-announced visitors would be terrible, thankfully we don't really have any of them! My family normally arranges it, and I don't really know anyone who would 'drop in' thankfully! Not having the correct hosting items with have me in a spin, I'm normally one of those hosts who over-offer everything in my nervousness to make sure everyone else is comfortable!

Kate Kestrel said:

Love  should never be about what you buy for someone. I like to treat people when I can though - if it’s something they would like. It’s all about the meaning behind the gift - that’s what really matters.

So beautifully put!

Thank you, this is really insightful. It's been a learning curve not imposing my way of being on her, and realising that she it isn't just 'cheating' reading the ending first, but actually helps with anxiety! I can see how it activates fight and flight now.

That's interesting about knowing the presents too, whenever I say I've got her a surprise she doesn't like it, so I think I might start being more respectful of her needs more!

Thanks for the insights, I will definitely ask more questions when they come up!

My dad was very unpleasant and insulting to me too - so I can relate to how you feel. Some parents just don’t know how to be good, loving parents. It sounds like your mum is a bit nicer - so thank goodness for that. I think your choice to limit your exposure to his toxicity is very wise. 

I’m sorry - your dad should be more understanding. When my eldest has been really short of cash (he still is fairly struggling in that way) I’ve never wanted him to overstretch his finances to buy me a present. A very small, very affordable gift that has genuine thought behind it means so much more than just spending loads of money in my opinion. Or even no gift at all is fine if things are really tight - I don’t think it matters as long as you know the love is there. I hand made card or a lovely note means just as much. Love  should never be about what you buy for someone. I like to treat people when I can though - if it’s something they would like. It’s all about the meaning behind the gift - that’s what really matters. Your dad should be using insulting language like that towards you - I’m sorry. Try not to take it to heart - he obviously has ‘issues’ (that’s the most polite way I can find of saying it!). 

Monkeyclogs said:

people turning up announced is a massive thing for me

It’s a terrible thing, and other people sometimes don’t get it. I rarely have anyone coming to my house unannounced now. 

people turning up announced is a massive thing for me. people rarely do this to me twice as it never occurs to me to invite them in let alone offer them a drink. I realise after that I should have but instead it's an akward doorstep thing. I'm also terrible if I meet someone by chance out of their usual context.

Of course you may! I’m a rigid rule follower too and I hate surprises in many areas, but when reading fiction I never look at the ending first. Perhaps it’s to do with rule following as fiction is generally written to be read from start to finish.

Cinnabar_wing said:

I still remember the christmas I was 5 and my mum wanted to let us all open a present early and I didn't want to, and in the end was made to by everyone else so as not to spoil the fun

That’s interesting and perhaps the subliminal messages through media and society contributed to your self-imposed rules. I don’t remember experiencing an occasion when I was expected to open a present early, but I might have been similar to you if I had. Christmas presents from Santa and my family were always waiting under the tree for me on Christmas morning, but I had hours on my own to look and feel them, unwrap them and to experience them. They were always things I had asked Santa for or related to things I had mentioned or enjoyed during the year.

I still impose my childhood rules of what Christmas should be according to the tradition I was brought up in. That means Christmas decorations never go up before 18th December, and they come down on the twelfth night. I think that is why I dislike Christmas now as the ‘rules’ say one thing, yet circumstances dictates another.

The other surprises I dislike are people calling to see me outside of prearranged times because I can’t quickly get into appropriate social convention mode of conversation. Tea/coffee/wine etc might need to be offered so it is all very unsettling. It also unsettles me when appointments are cancelled at the last moment. If something occurs which needs my attention and it takes away from how my day was planned, I struggle to reorganise and settle into that. I think for many people like me who dislike surprises, it’s all about allowing more time for them to process the thing that was meant to be a surprise. That means prior warning and if necessary, an illustration of what the surprise is going to be, so that it isn’t a surprise anymore.

Thanks for sharing everyone, its good to know its not just me that has to pretent im happy with a gift but im really happy with a gift if its something of interest. My wife always gets me nice gifts which is most important. But as we get older our performance of prentending to like somthing will only get better 

Ugh tell me about it! I try and avoid contact with him the best I can now. I’m now getting to the point that the thought of seeing him and knowing I’m related to him freaks me out. 

Hey- of course! I am like your daughter 100%, I read all of the tv/ movie spoilers, read the last page of the book I'm reading, basically do anything so I don’t get surprised! 

For me personally, it’s a regulation thing. When I know what’s going on my body feels happy and I don’t feel in that “fight or flight” that a lot of autistic people feel. It makes it hard to watch new stuff or consume new media, because I don’t get the joy of finding out. In saying this though, I watch the same things every day and listen to the same song on repeat and it really helps to regulate me, it’s almost like a meditation ! 

One thing that helped me a lot on Christmas and birthdays was having my presents not wrapped up so that I could just see them, and of course just knowing what they are beforehand! I often ask what the genre of the gift is if someone really wants to surprise me for example- is it a toy, is it a game, is it self care etc so that I can have some idea of it! 

Doing all these small things makes dealing with life’s changes much easier, because I feel like I have control over the little stuff :) Really happy to chat more on this! 

Wow, he's really toxic isn't he. 

When I was little I would love getting gifts and I still love getting them now! But I feel awful now because i literally can’t afford to buy anything nice in return, plus I’m worried what I’d get won’t be good enough. My mum seems to be very understanding about this but my dad doesn’t and calls me cheap, lazy scrounger. I mean he never buys me anything, it’s my mum who buys my presents and according to my dad that makes me a spoilt brat so why should I buy for him? Sorry for my rant

 ArchaeC and _Poetchi 
Is it okay if I hi-jack your conversation slightly, as you both mentioned hating surprises. My daughter is like this, hates surprises and not knowing things (she's 8). I was wondering if you get this for other areas besides presents? Such as she will look at the back of a book first so she knows the ending, and that makes the story more enjoyable for her.  

I was just curious as I'm a rigid rule follower, and the idea of getting things out of turn goes against my nature -I still remember the christmas I was 5 and my mum wanted to let us all open a present early and I didn't want to, and in the end was made to by everyone else so as not to spoil the fun. So I am curious to hear the other side! (although you might not have any other examples)

Thank you!! It’s always the thought that counts, it sounds as though you’re really thoughtful and put a lot of effort into what you buy people !