Giving and recieving gifts

I find it really difficult as I hate surprises and I don’t know how to react. I try to provide the expected response but as it’s dependent on the type of present, I don’t think I always get it right.

My son hates being given gifts - he finds it very stressful for all sorts of reasons. For a long time I felt awful because I wanted to treat him with something he would love and enjoy - but I’ve gradually come to accept the fact that for him a gift is just another source of stress. He’s ok with food gifts though (things like boxes of chocolates) so we stick to things like that. Hopefully he will one day find gift receiving less stressful - but in a way I think Christmas is more relaxing when there’s less emphasis on buying things. 

i also struggle with this, but ive discovered that if I dont have to be in the same room as them when they open the gift I actually quite like giving gifts. its like a puzzle to solve working out what they might like. I find christmas hardest because there's more than one person to buy for and its complicated by potential comparisons between the recipients. eg. have I given a better gift to one sibling. 

receiving gifts is worse for me. I dont think im difficult to buy for but I rarely get given anything I want and then I feel guilty that they've gone to the trouble to get me a gift. usually if someone gives me a gift I ask if they mind if I keep it to open it on my birthday or on Christmas day and then try not to be around anyone who might give me a gift on those days! 

i think there's a book called love languages a friend of mine was talking about, it seemed ro make some sense. if gift giving is supposed to show you care then maybe the other 4 should be alternatives you can suggest.

Oh yeah, definitely. I especially HATE getting presents. I don’t like non-consumable gifts. Like, where am I going to put this giant popcorn machine? Or this handmade, fragile bird feeder? Don’t get me wrong, I can show appreciation for the thought behind a gift, but it’s not natural for me.

I remember as a kid I threw an absolute FIT because my parents got me a hermit crab. It was a very lovely gift (I can recognize that now), but in the moment I just freaked out because I had no idea what it was, how to take care of it, or even where to put it. They ended up having to give it away and I feel a lot of guilt for that.

Giving presents is tough too, because I just assume everyone’s got the same aversions to collecting junk as I do. So I just give gift cards, candy, and other consumables nowadays. I’m probably afraid someone will react the same way I did when I got a hermit crab lol.

I understand the reason for giving. Sometimes there is guilt (where value is involved) or regret or dissapointment. As soon as it becomes an obligation its not really a gift, the problem with getting older is that we often make our own choices or are asked what we want to be gifted. So in the spirit of gifting (one based on zero expectation with an element of surprise) theoretically zero value is required in the exchange. If you receive a gift it probably best to accept it graciously.

In so many ways modern life, particularly xmas, leads us to feel obligated. The modern xmas which starts in August is built on these emotions of guild and obligation, because we then overcompensate through our consumption. However the only people who benefit from this are young children who only see the gifting experience not the heavy apparatus of social manipulation going on.

When someone refuses my gift or says they dont want anytbing this is when it becomes confusing. In terms of what they mean and how that changes future events. Giving low value sybolic gifts in exchange with the other person is a good way around this if you agree with them first. But the burden of expectation is always there.

Really all that matters is the word 'spirit' because this is how you give, this is what matters not what you give.

I found that with these sorts of confusing situations it is best to look at the underlying reasoning for it and what the expectations are. Once you know the info will stay with you for life so you can them make an informed decision each time rather than struggle.

There is a good explanation and guide here:

https://www.gift-goat.com/gift-giving-etiquette-guide

Having the logic explained does help it become much more obvious as to how to react too, although you don't have to do exactly as they recommend. You can do what you want obviously but now you can see what is happening with the whole process and can react accordingly.