I have a problem giving and recieving gifts, it just doesnt feel like a normal thing to do. I feel like i have to act or be a certain way or im obligated to do something. Its difficult to process it, anyone else have similiar issue
I have a problem giving and recieving gifts, it just doesnt feel like a normal thing to do. I feel like i have to act or be a certain way or im obligated to do something. Its difficult to process it, anyone else have similiar issue
Same for me- I hate being surprised! I’ve found over the years that giving my friends/ family a list of exactly what I want is so helpful, and being told if they got it or not. It’s taken a while but now they know not to get me things that aren’t on the list, as they understand that it’s stressful for me.
On the other hand, I love giving gifts, but only if I know the person is going to like it. I find I make a lot of gifts for people because I want them to know I value them, and so putting time into making something is my way of doing that and showing appreciation.
ArchaeC and _Poetchi
Is it okay if I hi-jack your conversation slightly, as you both mentioned hating surprises. My daughter is like this, hates surprises and not knowing things (she's 8). I was wondering if you get this for other areas besides presents? Such as she will look at the back of a book first so she knows the ending, and that makes the story more enjoyable for her.
I was just curious as I'm a rigid rule follower, and the idea of getting things out of turn goes against my nature -I still remember the christmas I was 5 and my mum wanted to let us all open a present early and I didn't want to, and in the end was made to by everyone else so as not to spoil the fun. So I am curious to hear the other side! (although you might not have any other examples)
That’s interesting and perhaps the subliminal messages through media and society contributed to your self-imposed rules
Yeah, I can't quite remember the formation of that rule, though it could have been everyone always saying you had to wait till Christmas, so that was fairly black and white for me! By 9 years, I was actually in charge of hiding the 'secret' presents, as my mum knew I would make sure they didn't get opened before the day!
I'm not as fixed on other traditions as growing my mum did lots of different things for Christmas dinner, so I'm okay with change there. This year as my son has started having a preference for vegetarian food, we are going to do a nut roast, though still doing a roast on the side as my daughter might not be keen.
Oh un-announced visitors would be terrible, thankfully we don't really have any of them! My family normally arranges it, and I don't really know anyone who would 'drop in' thankfully! Not having the correct hosting items with have me in a spin, I'm normally one of those hosts who over-offer everything in my nervousness to make sure everyone else is comfortable!
Thank you, this is really insightful. It's been a learning curve not imposing my way of being on her, and realising that she it isn't just 'cheating' reading the ending first, but actually helps with anxiety! I can see how it activates fight and flight now.
That's interesting about knowing the presents too, whenever I say I've got her a surprise she doesn't like it, so I think I might start being more respectful of her needs more!
Thanks for the insights, I will definitely ask more questions when they come up!
people turning up announced is a massive thing for me
It’s a terrible thing, and other people sometimes don’t get it. I rarely have anyone coming to my house unannounced now.
people turning up announced is a massive thing for me. people rarely do this to me twice as it never occurs to me to invite them in let alone offer them a drink. I realise after that I should have but instead it's an akward doorstep thing. I'm also terrible if I meet someone by chance out of their usual context.
Of course you may! I’m a rigid rule follower too and I hate surprises in many areas, but when reading fiction I never look at the ending first. Perhaps it’s to do with rule following as fiction is generally written to be read from start to finish.
I still remember the christmas I was 5 and my mum wanted to let us all open a present early and I didn't want to, and in the end was made to by everyone else so as not to spoil the fun
That’s interesting and perhaps the subliminal messages through media and society contributed to your self-imposed rules. I don’t remember experiencing an occasion when I was expected to open a present early, but I might have been similar to you if I had. Christmas presents from Santa and my family were always waiting under the tree for me on Christmas morning, but I had hours on my own to look and feel them, unwrap them and to experience them. They were always things I had asked Santa for or related to things I had mentioned or enjoyed during the year.
I still impose my childhood rules of what Christmas should be according to the tradition I was brought up in. That means Christmas decorations never go up before 18th December, and they come down on the twelfth night. I think that is why I dislike Christmas now as the ‘rules’ say one thing, yet circumstances dictates another.
The other surprises I dislike are people calling to see me outside of prearranged times because I can’t quickly get into appropriate social convention mode of conversation. Tea/coffee/wine etc might need to be offered so it is all very unsettling. It also unsettles me when appointments are cancelled at the last moment. If something occurs which needs my attention and it takes away from how my day was planned, I struggle to reorganise and settle into that. I think for many people like me who dislike surprises, it’s all about allowing more time for them to process the thing that was meant to be a surprise. That means prior warning and if necessary, an illustration of what the surprise is going to be, so that it isn’t a surprise anymore.
Of course you may! I’m a rigid rule follower too and I hate surprises in many areas, but when reading fiction I never look at the ending first. Perhaps it’s to do with rule following as fiction is generally written to be read from start to finish.
I still remember the christmas I was 5 and my mum wanted to let us all open a present early and I didn't want to, and in the end was made to by everyone else so as not to spoil the fun
That’s interesting and perhaps the subliminal messages through media and society contributed to your self-imposed rules. I don’t remember experiencing an occasion when I was expected to open a present early, but I might have been similar to you if I had. Christmas presents from Santa and my family were always waiting under the tree for me on Christmas morning, but I had hours on my own to look and feel them, unwrap them and to experience them. They were always things I had asked Santa for or related to things I had mentioned or enjoyed during the year.
I still impose my childhood rules of what Christmas should be according to the tradition I was brought up in. That means Christmas decorations never go up before 18th December, and they come down on the twelfth night. I think that is why I dislike Christmas now as the ‘rules’ say one thing, yet circumstances dictates another.
The other surprises I dislike are people calling to see me outside of prearranged times because I can’t quickly get into appropriate social convention mode of conversation. Tea/coffee/wine etc might need to be offered so it is all very unsettling. It also unsettles me when appointments are cancelled at the last moment. If something occurs which needs my attention and it takes away from how my day was planned, I struggle to reorganise and settle into that. I think for many people like me who dislike surprises, it’s all about allowing more time for them to process the thing that was meant to be a surprise. That means prior warning and if necessary, an illustration of what the surprise is going to be, so that it isn’t a surprise anymore.
That’s interesting and perhaps the subliminal messages through media and society contributed to your self-imposed rules
Yeah, I can't quite remember the formation of that rule, though it could have been everyone always saying you had to wait till Christmas, so that was fairly black and white for me! By 9 years, I was actually in charge of hiding the 'secret' presents, as my mum knew I would make sure they didn't get opened before the day!
I'm not as fixed on other traditions as growing my mum did lots of different things for Christmas dinner, so I'm okay with change there. This year as my son has started having a preference for vegetarian food, we are going to do a nut roast, though still doing a roast on the side as my daughter might not be keen.
Oh un-announced visitors would be terrible, thankfully we don't really have any of them! My family normally arranges it, and I don't really know anyone who would 'drop in' thankfully! Not having the correct hosting items with have me in a spin, I'm normally one of those hosts who over-offer everything in my nervousness to make sure everyone else is comfortable!
people turning up announced is a massive thing for me
It’s a terrible thing, and other people sometimes don’t get it. I rarely have anyone coming to my house unannounced now.
people turning up announced is a massive thing for me. people rarely do this to me twice as it never occurs to me to invite them in let alone offer them a drink. I realise after that I should have but instead it's an akward doorstep thing. I'm also terrible if I meet someone by chance out of their usual context.
