Giving and recieving gifts

I find it really difficult as I hate surprises and I don’t know how to react. I try to provide the expected response but as it’s dependent on the type of present, I don’t think I always get it right.

Same for me- I hate being surprised! I’ve found over the years that giving my friends/ family a list of exactly what I want is so helpful, and being told if they got it or not. It’s taken a while but now they know not to get me things that aren’t on the list, as they understand that it’s stressful for me. 

On the other hand, I love giving gifts, but only if I know the person is going to like it. I find I make a lot of gifts for people because I want them to know I value them, and so putting time into making something is my way of doing that and showing appreciation. 

Same for me- I hate being surprised! I’ve found over the years that giving my friends/ family a list of exactly what I want is so helpful, and being told if they got it or not. It’s taken a while but now they know not to get me things that aren’t on the list, as they understand that it’s stressful for me. 

On the other hand, I love giving gifts, but only if I know the person is going to like it. I find I make a lot of gifts for people because I want them to know I value them, and so putting time into making something is my way of doing that and showing appreciation. 

Of course you may! I’m a rigid rule follower too and I hate surprises in many areas, but when reading fiction I never look at the ending first. Perhaps it’s to do with rule following as fiction is generally written to be read from start to finish.

Cinnabar_wing said:

I still remember the christmas I was 5 and my mum wanted to let us all open a present early and I didn't want to, and in the end was made to by everyone else so as not to spoil the fun

That’s interesting and perhaps the subliminal messages through media and society contributed to your self-imposed rules. I don’t remember experiencing an occasion when I was expected to open a present early, but I might have been similar to you if I had. Christmas presents from Santa and my family were always waiting under the tree for me on Christmas morning, but I had hours on my own to look and feel them, unwrap them and to experience them. They were always things I had asked Santa for or related to things I had mentioned or enjoyed during the year.

I still impose my childhood rules of what Christmas should be according to the tradition I was brought up in. That means Christmas decorations never go up before 18th December, and they come down on the twelfth night. I think that is why I dislike Christmas now as the ‘rules’ say one thing, yet circumstances dictates another.

The other surprises I dislike are people calling to see me outside of prearranged times because I can’t quickly get into appropriate social convention mode of conversation. Tea/coffee/wine etc might need to be offered so it is all very unsettling. It also unsettles me when appointments are cancelled at the last moment. If something occurs which needs my attention and it takes away from how my day was planned, I struggle to reorganise and settle into that. I think for many people like me who dislike surprises, it’s all about allowing more time for them to process the thing that was meant to be a surprise. That means prior warning and if necessary, an illustration of what the surprise is going to be, so that it isn’t a surprise anymore.

Hey- of course! I am like your daughter 100%, I read all of the tv/ movie spoilers, read the last page of the book I'm reading, basically do anything so I don’t get surprised! 

For me personally, it’s a regulation thing. When I know what’s going on my body feels happy and I don’t feel in that “fight or flight” that a lot of autistic people feel. It makes it hard to watch new stuff or consume new media, because I don’t get the joy of finding out. In saying this though, I watch the same things every day and listen to the same song on repeat and it really helps to regulate me, it’s almost like a meditation ! 

One thing that helped me a lot on Christmas and birthdays was having my presents not wrapped up so that I could just see them, and of course just knowing what they are beforehand! I often ask what the genre of the gift is if someone really wants to surprise me for example- is it a toy, is it a game, is it self care etc so that I can have some idea of it! 

Doing all these small things makes dealing with life’s changes much easier, because I feel like I have control over the little stuff :) Really happy to chat more on this! 

 ArchaeC and _Poetchi 
Is it okay if I hi-jack your conversation slightly, as you both mentioned hating surprises. My daughter is like this, hates surprises and not knowing things (she's 8). I was wondering if you get this for other areas besides presents? Such as she will look at the back of a book first so she knows the ending, and that makes the story more enjoyable for her.  

I was just curious as I'm a rigid rule follower, and the idea of getting things out of turn goes against my nature -I still remember the christmas I was 5 and my mum wanted to let us all open a present early and I didn't want to, and in the end was made to by everyone else so as not to spoil the fun. So I am curious to hear the other side! (although you might not have any other examples)

Thank you!! It’s always the thought that counts, it sounds as though you’re really thoughtful and put a lot of effort into what you buy people ! 

I love giving gifts too, but I’m not very creative so mine are all bought. I do put a lot of thought into what people might like. I think people would appreciate your gifts because you have considered what they would like and you have poured yourself, your love and care,  into the making of the gift.