Does anyone else sometimes (or most of the time...) struggle with banter?!

Yes it’s totally pointless. and assumes a lot of things about you.

personally I don’t need it to feel accepted or part of a group. Mainly because I see it as pretense.

Small talk is not the real topic. People who are extraverts or typical neuro love it because it allows them to test people. 

Banter I view as a kind of more aggressive or boisterous kind of testing of your interests. Like this will somehow define the kind of person you are. I remember at school I had no interest in football, which was all that occupied other boys minds at that age and probably still does those same men now. There are things I perceive as vulgar about banter which I mostly keep quiet about.

The worst thing now is seeing young women behaving in an oyky way because they think this generation men are going to put them on a level playing field.

I avoid it if I can. I think I’ve gone off the subject here a bit….

Totally sympathise. As a child, I used to go absolutely b*tsh*t when I lost at games and got teased about it. There's banter and then there's banter; some is gentle, some is unkind. Where's the borderline where you see the tip of a knife peeking out under the guise of 'banter'? I find this term allows passive-aggressive people to retreat safely. "Oh, it's only banter." I can understand punching the air and shouting, "I won!" but not "I'm better than you-ooo, ner ner." In other contexts, I've learned to banter, but in some situations there's inner tension as I work to keep up.

I don't dish out what I can't take back. I learnt that when I was a kid.

While light-hearted teasing and stopping people getting too big for themselves is part of life, there are times when things can become cutting and hurtful. It may be over sensitivity, but not always.

As in the old saying: Many a true word is spoken in jest. 

I tend to mostly not contribute. I probably take things to seriously or literally. Once I form an image in my mind it is hard to ignore it.

Sometimes I struggle to understand banter. Sometimes I'll have understood it's banter and maybe be ok with it in the morning but afterwards I will over think it and wonder whether it was banter at all. Sometimes I dislike the attention being on me and I really don't like the banter. All of this can make me feel annoyed or upset. There are times when I do enjoy banter though.

KopiKestrel said:

When I finally realize, "Wait, this situation is different, and I actually have a right to be annoyed here," it might be minutes later. By then, it feels too late to bring it up, or it looks like I've been holding a grudge, when really I was just processing.

It is this reason why I tend to not use the pushback unless I am quite sure it is justified, and this is rarely as I often do the same slower processing you refer to.

In the past I found pushing back and being wrong caused far more damage than bringing it up later (even then only if it was serious - I let the small stuff slide as life is too short).

I get what you are saying by in my experience I have found the cost/benefit favours the approach I take, but this is only for me of course.

With experience you do get much faster at spotting things that need pushing back against immediately, but so few autists seem willing to make the kind of social contact that will allow them to build a meaningful body of experience with.

I had 32 years of both customer facing and management roles and it still took me decades to get even passable with this.

Thank you for the resources!

Thank you for writing this! you've put it better than I ever could, I can do "banter" to some extent, it happened all the time in places like school, but in some contexts like board games or sports it'd just be crushing because I was admittedly bad at accepting defeat if someone isn't graceful

I think it's defined as a sort of "playful remarks", if that makes sense, but since I can interpret sentences quite literal things often sound more insulting then people intend

In those situations, i'm aware of the context and the reasoning behind their comment. Sometimes it's warranted, and sometimes it's merely a preference on the other person's part.

However, I would gently challenge your suggestion to "try to make a mental note to reconsider it later then immediately comply."

A lot of being autistic involves being told to doubt your perceptions of the world, sometimes reasonably, and sometimes not. The examples I provided earlier were simplistic ones i've experienced (and perhaps not the best illustrations), but the underlying point stands.

Let's say a close friend or partner says something upsetting, a situation where most people would respond with instant anger or irritation. In the moment, I might just feel that something is "off." Because I'm autistic and have worked hard to mask things (like speaking too long), my default assumption is often that I am the one in the wrong.

When I finally realize, "Wait, this situation is different, and I actually have a right to be annoyed here," it might be minutes later. By then, it feels too late to bring it up, or it looks like I've been holding a grudge, when really I was just processing.

Ultimately, what I'm saying is that using mindfulness and having a better understanding of emotions helps any person, autistic or not, to be present in the moment. It allows you to discern whether to let the situation go or speak up appropriately to discuss a legitimate issue, rather than just defaulting to compliance.

All that said, this is what stood out most from your post:

Iain said:

I trust neurotypical friends more than myself in these situations so the immediate kickback would be the wrong approach (for me).

I think it's wonderful that you have friends you can rely upon and trust. It's great that you have found an approach that works for you, and I honestly hope to foster these kinds of friendships.

KopiKestrel said:

things like, "Oh, that's interesting that you always eat your food in a specific order," or "You're talking too loud. Everyone can hear our conversation."

To me, that feels like an attack and that they're not being fair.

Have you thought why they prompted you for being too loud though?

It helps to look at the context of the situation and try to work out the reasons for their interruption so you can better judge the situation next time.

Were you bothering other people nearby though being louder then them, thus overwhelming their conversation?

Were there people nearby who looked upset and your conversation was possibly upsetting them?

Was the subject matter something that shouldn't be shared with others?

Was the volume really that loud?

When I find myself in the situation then I will try to make a mental note to reconsider it later then immediately comply with what is asked for if reasonable - no need to shut down if I was being wrong (I'll decide this later and raise it with the friend if needed). 

I trust neurotypical friends more than myself in these situations so the immediate kickback would be the wrong approach (for me).

I would go through the above questions before before taking issue about hurt feelings as I have been wrong too many times for this to be a reasonable reaction.

Do you suffer from RSD or PDA at all? 

I don't struggle with this per se (the "gently joking" in a competition), but I definitely struggle when my friends make comments about my behavior or suggest any sort of feedback.

For example, things like, "Oh, that's interesting that you always eat your food in a specific order," or "You're talking too loud. Everyone can hear our conversation."

To me, that feels like an attack and that they're not being fair. I, for example, don't call out their behaviors, and if I do, I make a point to be very careful about it. It feels like they are being flippant, and then I just shut down.

I've been able to make progress and get to a better place by incorporating more mindfulness into my life and reading up on alexithymia. Learning about alexithymia helped me understand the disconnect between my logical brain and my emotional physical reaction. I've pasted a couple of resources I've personally found helpful below.

Just for transparency: I still have those feelings. They never go away completely, but I've gotten to a place where I can move on quicker now, and they don't lead to a full shutdown.

• (Youtube) Why You or Your Partner Struggle to Talk About Feelings: Understanding Alexithymia 
• (Book) Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, PhD

Some people are bad winners, I don't get why they should make comments about their losing oppenents either. I used to get upset when I lost, because I thought it meant that I was bad in some way, litterally a loser. It dosen't help that I'm not competitive and don't really understand it or the "competitive spirit", it just freaks me out.

Other sorts of banter I'm quite good at, although I can go over the top with it, it was part of the culture where I grew up, everybody did it, I learned as a form of self defence as much as anything else.

I had to look up on the Internet, what is banter?  At least you know what it is, so you're healthier than me.

The fear of being exposed as not normal I think is also what gets me, I don't want to be seen as someone who can't be fun, or maybe a sore loser because I fear people won't want to spend time with me, it's just small comments that get me for some reason

I'm the same. I think it comes from so many years of masking and the basic fear of being exposed as not normal or just generally unable. I can dish it out, I can enjoy seeing others do it (as long as it doesn't overstep the mark) but I can't take it myself. All I can do is act OK with it, as best I can, and then rationalise it afterwards.