Recent diagnosis, partner doesn't understand.

Maybe now you've been diagnosed you may be in a better place to deal with the depression? Maybe seek out some counselling to help you put the pieces of your life together in a way that allows for autism? I used to be a counsellor as well as someone who's recieved lots of counselling, I think being "stuck" theraputically is hard for all, as it often feels like theres something on the tip of the tongue. A diagnosis can be the launch pad for a whole new way of looking at you life, both the past and how you move forward into the future.

Thanks. That is a lot of helpful advice for me. I guess it's normal to feel like my whole life is redefined.  Hopefully I'll get back on track in some way.  

Thanks. It helps.  I don't know if any neurotypical people really understand. I guess it is hard.  That is sad you have had cruel things said.  I've not had to deal with that thankfully.  

I share the same challenge. We have been together around 27 years but my diagnosis isn’t accepted really. I have changed the way I think since diagnosis but I have not let anything that affects me affect my partner. 
For me this cannot be resolved as I have had many cruel things said to me which has caused me a lot of stress.

I am really sorry you are not only going through similar but with the sad news about your brother also. I don’t really know what to say but just wanted to say I empathise with you at this difficult time.

Stay strong 

Kenneth1712 said:

I'm just realising that all the issues I have ARE autism related but she just thinks it is an excuse for not being empathetic etc

I share some of your experiences in this area. I was happily married for 24 years but once I was given a diagnosis I felt a shift in attitude from my partner - but I realise that I had perhaps tried to use autism as an excuse for behaviour that, while linked to autism, was something I was capable of changing since it impacted her.

We did go to couples counselling and the cause of the attitude change was that she considered mental health issues abhorrent - something she was taught as a child and was never able to change her attitude towards. In spite of 24 years as husband, provider, companion, lover and friend I was now seen as a lesser thing, forever tainted by a genetic mental health issue.

Divorce followed but we remain good friends, go on holiday together etc but the distance has proven useful for both parties. I can now be much more authentic without worrying if it will upset her, she can persue her passions that often took us to loud places that were most uncomfortable for me and we can keep some of the better parts of the relationships. Plus we can see other people when we want.

Kenneth1712 said:

she just says nothing has changed but it has.

I suspect you may have changed in light of your diagnosis, for whatever reason but she has changed in knowing your weaknesses too.

If you are after any advice, I would say get a psychotherapist who has a track record of helping couples and find if they do couples counselling too - once you have a better grip on your issues it may be worth asking your wife to join to work through her issues too, in as far as they relate to you as a couple.

Not all therapists will do this but mine did once we agreed the boundaries of what could be discussed. It was useful, helped my wife accept her bias without judgement and allowed us to see the bigger picture of what was going on between us, allowing us to make a decision for a way forward.

Kenneth1712 said:

I'm currently off work with stress as I'm a bus driver and I struggle with that too and don't think I should be doing it.

I get this is very stressful. I used to commute across London from east to west every morning in rush hour and back at the end of the day (the job required my to have a car) which was incredibly stressful at first until I remembered my meditation training and would use this to stop stressing about it, to not get worked up by the idiots trying to cut me up, the lunatic bike riders and suicidal paedestrians - it took a few days to get into it but the commute became relaxing in the end, a time to wind down from my work or chill before going into the crazy workplace I had back then.

A therapist should be able to teach you the basics of this if you are interested - it made a huge difference for me back then and I've used it a lot since then.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thanks.  I'm realising why I do things and think things and yes I think I'm allowing myself to be more naturally myself maybe.  It's just hard to deal with officially being told you are different from most people even though I did suspect it.  I'm glad I got diagnosed though as it helps explain my whole life. I have a whole range of issues to deal with like others do I guess. Ive got a problem with needing to keep the carpets clean and pets don't help that plus the noise of the kids. Sometimes I need to just be on my own and my partner doesn't get that either.  I can't remember the last time I actually wanted to get up and face the day or look forward to a weekend. Everything just feels like I'm 'just getting through things' 

Thanks that is helpful.  I find it hard to talk to her and she gets frustrated.  I just don't know what to say a lot of the time. It's hard. She is the type who likes to talk things through and it just stresses me.  She is also very sensitive so I upset her when I say something in the wrong tone or give a look I don't mean to.  It just comes across bad though I don't feel or think it.  

Yes I don't know what she thinks. I guess it could be frustration.  I've always had depression too so that doesn't help.  I've been on antidepressants but came off them six years ago. I was in a controlling relationship then and I was on the strongest dose to cope with anxiety but was just falling asleep all the time.  They didn't help much other than make me feel like a zombie and make me oblivious to being controlled and treated like a servant. Like you I feel validated for how much I struggled back then. 

I'd imagine being a bus driver can be quite a stressful job?

Maybe your partner is getting frustrated because she knows now that any changes will be limited and that you really can't help how you are. I was so happy when I was diagnosed to be able to tell an ex who was always going on at me about being weird, that there was a medical reason for it, that was not under my control so there! But seriously though you and your partner got together and have been together and loved each other all this time, are the things that initially attracted you to each other still there?

Kenneth1712 said:

she just says nothing has changed

Well, you haven't changed, you've always been autistic. Knowing this can help.you learn more about yourself, but in your relationship you both need to compromise.

Maybe don't use the A word, agree with her that nothing has changed but point out that there have always been some communication issues and you want to work together to resolve them. Tell her how she can help you, and reassure her that you will try more to listen. Plus remind her of the stress you are feeling due to your brother.

Appearing to get worse is normal, as you are more compassionate with yourself. It will settle down.

Being under stress will also make it worse; you are not off work for no reason.

The diagnosis may be the reason why you have issues but it's not the solution. You still have to find a way to get along. Now may not be the best time, but it would be worth going through some information together, so it is not just an excuse. Try to focus on positive changes you both can do to reduce frustration.

You need to reduce pressure to help you get some balance back.

Dear Kenneth1712,

Welcome to the online community, it is great to have you here. I hope our online community is a positive resource for you, it can be a really helpful place when you are newly diagnosed!

It can be difficult for family, partners and friends to accept and understand an autism diagnosis when it is first given, but I understand that it must be difficult for you when this happens, I know some of our members have had similar difficulties when first diagnosed. 

I am really sorry to hear about your brother this must be an incredibly difficult time for you and your family- I hope that you all have some good support in place.

I have a list of resources that you might want to take a look at:

 After diagnosis - this includes some guidance on talking about your diagnosis as well as what support can be offered after receiving a diagnosis.

What is autism - this may be useful to share with family, partner or friends. It gives a brief overview on autism and may be helpful in explaining why you may communicate differently to neurotypical individuals

Seeking help with mental health - you mentioned struggling with stress at the moment so I have attached our seeking help with mental health advice, please do reach out if you need any support.

Emotional support for family and friends | Macmillan Cancer Support - Macmillian have several ways you may be able to receive some support, you can also call them on 0808 808 0000. They are open 7 days a week 8am-8pm. They also run their own online community that be helpful to you, your brother or others who are close to him.

Thank you for reaching out, even though this is a very difficult time for you I am glad that you have reached out. I hope some of these resources may be helpful,

Take care,

Olivia Mod