Recent diagnosis, partner doesn't understand.

Kenneth1712 said:

I'm just realising that all the issues I have ARE autism related but she just thinks it is an excuse for not being empathetic etc

I share some of your experiences in this area. I was happily married for 24 years but once I was given a diagnosis I felt a shift in attitude from my partner - but I realise that I had perhaps tried to use autism as an excuse for behaviour that, while linked to autism, was something I was capable of changing since it impacted her.

We did go to couples counselling and the cause of the attitude change was that she considered mental health issues abhorrent - something she was taught as a child and was never able to change her attitude towards. In spite of 24 years as husband, provider, companion, lover and friend I was now seen as a lesser thing, forever tainted by a genetic mental health issue.

Divorce followed but we remain good friends, go on holiday together etc but the distance has proven useful for both parties. I can now be much more authentic without worrying if it will upset her, she can persue her passions that often took us to loud places that were most uncomfortable for me and we can keep some of the better parts of the relationships. Plus we can see other people when we want.

Kenneth1712 said:

she just says nothing has changed but it has.

I suspect you may have changed in light of your diagnosis, for whatever reason but she has changed in knowing your weaknesses too.

If you are after any advice, I would say get a psychotherapist who has a track record of helping couples and find if they do couples counselling too - once you have a better grip on your issues it may be worth asking your wife to join to work through her issues too, in as far as they relate to you as a couple.

Not all therapists will do this but mine did once we agreed the boundaries of what could be discussed. It was useful, helped my wife accept her bias without judgement and allowed us to see the bigger picture of what was going on between us, allowing us to make a decision for a way forward.

Kenneth1712 said:

I'm currently off work with stress as I'm a bus driver and I struggle with that too and don't think I should be doing it.

I get this is very stressful. I used to commute across London from east to west every morning in rush hour and back at the end of the day (the job required my to have a car) which was incredibly stressful at first until I remembered my meditation training and would use this to stop stressing about it, to not get worked up by the idiots trying to cut me up, the lunatic bike riders and suicidal paedestrians - it took a few days to get into it but the commute became relaxing in the end, a time to wind down from my work or chill before going into the crazy workplace I had back then.

A therapist should be able to teach you the basics of this if you are interested - it made a huge difference for me back then and I've used it a lot since then.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thanks. That is a lot of helpful advice for me. I guess it's normal to feel like my whole life is redefined.  Hopefully I'll get back on track in some way.  

Thanks. That is a lot of helpful advice for me. I guess it's normal to feel like my whole life is redefined.  Hopefully I'll get back on track in some way.