Feeling so hurt

I’m 26 in a couple of months and I have never even been on a date. People will no doubt say I’m too old now but I just don’t have the confidence to go out and with my other mental health issues I just don’t think I could cope myself, I mean I’m constantly struggling with how I appear and I worry if I am scaring or upsetting others because of who I am and how I look. Plus I don’t want to date people I’m not really interested in or make me feel uncomfortable. If I’m honest though I find dating in early teens seems a bit too early if I’m honest but that’s just me. I remember this horrible so called PSRE teacher saying my mum was too old to be in a relationship because she had her first date at 18. But I personally found that to not be old as some people just don’t want to have dates, for me I just don’t really look for dates at the moment as I have other things but I’d welcome one if it found me lol. 

I can completely understand and even relate to your youngest about not wanting kids. I don’t want any kids either and with being the woman I’d have to do the extra hard work. See I honestly don’t know how people would enjoy that but then if you are with your special someone then maybe feelings would be different. See with never dating I guess I won’t know those feelings and I just automatically freak out because of how my dad has made me feel as well as that so called manager at my previous job. I hope this makes sense and this is just my personal feelings. But I just know I won’t have the effort and energy to raise kids and I also worry that going to schools would be very triggering for so many reasons. As I said only time can tell and I can’t predict the future. For now I’ll stick with the sims4 and tomodachi life etc lol!! 

Re. dating - I think autistic people often start dating at a slightly later age than neurotypical people. I hope you find someone (in a romantic or friendship relationship) who can help you heal the wounds your dad’s poor parenting have left you with. Time is a good healer too. I wouldn’t really describe myself as ‘a great parent’ as tbh I’m a very disorganised person and I have anxiety issues which I sometimes worry have not been easy for my children - but I’ve done my best. We have a really good bond together and it’s the best thing I ever did to have children - but I realise parenthood is not what everyone wants. My youngest son says he never wants to have children as he wants his freedom and feels having children would take that away from him. He would like a relationship though but he is autistic and has Selective Mutism so this makes meeting people really hard for him. As you say though - who knows what the future holds? As they say: “go as a river”.  

I would like to think I am breaking this vicious cycle lol! I’ve always wanted to get married and be with the man who loves me but I’ve never been on a date so I often wonder if I’ll ever meet the right man. If I did meet anyone my dad wouldn’t be happy about it because he didn’t like the thought of me growing up, hence not able to wear make up etc. his mum was exactly the same when he met my mum and then the thought of becoming a nan had really freaked her out and she actually loved her nieces more so than me. As we say it seems to be a generation thing.

I am so glad you have got such an amazing man and sons of your own and I hope you are all so happy together! You should be so proud as by the sounds of it you are a great parent! You keep loving them as you all deserve such wonderful things like that! I can’t say I’ve ever really wanted kids myself as the process has always made me feel cringey but I do feel that’s because of how I’ve always felt around my dad, maybe things would be different if I actually managed to go on a date and fall in love. Guess only time can tell that one. 

It sounds like there are possibly issues running through the generations from what you say. But it sounds like you’re the person who is going to break the cycle - and that’s wonderful and a tribute to you as a person. You are in a position to heal generations of unhealthy behaviour - and you can do this by not repeating your father’s mistakes. I hope you don’t let him put you off forming your own relationships and possibly having children of your own if you want them. Your dad has taught you how NOT to be a parent! So you’ll do a better job than him I’m sure! I went on to marry a really kind man who was nothing at all like my father, and I now have two lovely sons who are also nothing like my dad! I feel really happy that I haven’t continued the pattern of my parents - but done things in a completely different way - my children know that they are loved, respected, valued and liked. So we can heal - it just takes time. Try to find some pity in your heart for your dad - he’s probably not a very person if he can’t express love and affection in healthy ways. Having said that don’t feel obligated to spend time with him - do what ever most helps you to be happy and feel safe. 

I just wish people would just stop bullying in general  even if there are reasons, it’s not fair on the ones who haven’t even done anything! I’m still coping with all the shock and trauma and think I may be needing more emdr therapy again but it’s so hard to talk about it

I agree that there is never an excuse to bully someone. There may be reasons why somebody has that behaviour, but it is inexcusable. I wish you weren’t having to put up with this but I know the circumstances make it complicated. 

Ahh ok I will have a look into that! Thank you. It’s terrible that people have to go through all this though and I never understand why people have kids if that’s how they treat them. Is it because they have someone to bully when they feel rubbish?! That’s what it feels for me 

Aww thank you so much!! You are worth every penny too my friend! I wish I had never gone on holiday now! 

Cinnabar_wing said:

I would definitely prefer a caravan by myself for a weekend over a big holiday with someone so toxic!

Definitely agree with you there. Say I was really looking forward to this holiday but my dad ruined it for me all because it didn’t turn out the way he wanted over having to get taxis as opposed to busses. Say going to other places won’t be fun if he’s with me so guess I will have to save up a bit with mum but hopefully we will do those things anyway. 

That’s some very good advice you have given there so thank you very much! I’m so sorry you have had to go through all this and are still suffering with the traumas and voices! I can completely understand that. I would be willing to write down my boundaries but knowing him he will just shun them off and again tell me to get a life and stop being such a baby! Despite the fact that’s how he sodding treats me! I have to watch and play certain things in secret because of this. 

Even if people have been bullied or badly treated in the past it’s no excuse to just start to bully random people like that! I wouldn’t go up to someone and bully them, especially if they were nice to me! 

Theres a book called Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward that you may find helpful, lots of case studies and she's a psychotherapist. The book's been out for a good few years now, but it helped me and others who've read it, it's what I call a proper self help book, it tell's it like it is and makes suggestions and dosen't pretend any of it will be easy. It's not aimed at ND, just at people with toxic parents.

I understand better now your situation. Some people try to belittle others in the way your father does because it gives them a false sense of superiority and righteousness. Pointing out your ‘mistakes’ and using bullying tactics can be a way of hiding low self esteem. That doesn’t help you right now, but it has helped me understand your situation which has many similarities to how mine used to be. 

I am in my 60s and my parents died years ago, but I can still hear my father’s comments in my ears. My father wanted a boy, but I came along instead. I just tell myself that those things were not my fault, but it has left its mark. Most of the time he doesn’t come into my mind so I can get on with my life. 

I hope that you can set some boundaries around what you consider to be acceptable behaviour from your father. You could consider giving him a ‘written warning’ of non-acceptable behaviour that would have the consequence of you stopping contact. That’s what I did with my father and it worked for a few months until he relapsed, at which point I stopped contact. 

It sounds like he doesn't want you to get help as he wants to keep control you. I would definitely prefer a caravan by myself for a weekend over a big holiday with someone so toxic! I'm rooting for you to find some counselling so you can heal, you are worth every penny!

I am also a “black and white” thinker too so don’t worry there. Very grateful for your reply! Say I’ve been looking into therapy and I’ve tried so many but I think all has failed purely because I keep getting him saying that I’m wasting my money on these people and they are getting money out of my misery but I view it as they are professionals who have studied and tried for years. Some have also been through bad situations themselves. I think I will be cutting ties as I can’t afford to go on like this anymore. I just want to live my life to the full and do what I want. I mean he kept saying he will take me to Japan and Singapore and brags about being a pilot but if I went away with him he would make those trips hell like he diddl with Bermuda, jersey and London! I think I’d rather be happy and save up for trips myself and be myself than go on trips more often but with him. 

Hi, yes I am in a position to cut contact, but whenever I have tried, my mum has always talked me out of it but when he said I will always come crawling back to him, I thought I can’t do this anymore and I’ve explained to my mum as well. My mum doesn’t understand everything but is at least sympathetic or empathetic and supports me when I’m weak. My worry is that my mum will try and talk me out of it again or my dad will act like nothing has happened and expect me to play Mario kart with him or something but he can’t always get what he wants. I also felt obliged to keep contact, plus he kept saying he will take me on trips to places but if he does he ruins them for me. I mean I was wanting to go to Singapore one day but after so many failed holidays with him I don’t want to take that chance and have another traumatic experience! 

This is all sounds so awful, I'm so distressed for you. 

But what your describing with the forced hug in bed thing is severely inappropriate and starting to sound like grooming for getting even more serious. And the controlling behaviour over what you can spend your money on is domestic abuse. I'm so sorry for you, you are so much more than this and deserve so much more. 

Personally I would cut contact as this doesn't sound good for you at all and prevents you healing, though I'm aware I'm 'black and white' about stuff like this because I'm autistic, but I don't think you should have to suffer further abuse. 

Hiya Kate! Thank you so much for the caring reassurance you have given me. My dad had a real nasty mum who was very strict and again didn’t want her own children. She actually had two miscarriages before she had my dad but both his parents were in their 40s when he was born. He claimed his parents were ay ok but others have said that his mum was really cruel, and then used religion as her excuse and expected to be forgiven. His dad was meant to be very nice though but he died about five days after I wan born so I don’t know if that can be related. 

As for distancing, well I am living alone in my own place now so I have more freedom but it’s just trying to not let him and all the other bullies crush me and my spirits. That’s the challenging part and after last week I’m seeming to be struggling with flashbacks again. He hardly ever sees me anyway and is more into work, I mean we can go months without seeing each other and not seem to care anyway and he never even wanted to be a father so he clearly never got any skills. I often think is he the reason why I don’t really feel ok to go on dates, get married etc because he never wanted that for me. I mean I’m not allowed to wear make up or jewellery because it makes me look too grown up. Let alone being guilt tripped for playing certain characters and games. I’m surprised I’m still playing what I do play. 

I just don’t understand why people have to be so cruel and get away with it. See when I was having both my adhd and autism assessments, both psychiatrists asked me if I have autism running in the family, I said not that I know of but they said it could be that my dad and his mum have autism but never got diagnosed. Even if they have then it’s still no excuse to behave that way. His mum died like 18 years ago but again I wasn’t close to her and she always favoured her great nieces over me despite the fact I was her only grandchild. Possibly due to difference in religion. 

Hi, for decades I had this same experience on a regular basis. My dad was always saying insulting and horrible things to me. I often considered going completely no contact, and at times did this for several weeks at a time. I can relate to the feelings you describe - his cruel words to me made me feel worthless and unloved, and humiliated. My dad died earlier this year and I’ve been giving this whole thing a lot of thought since he died.

The first thing you need to remind you of is that his behaviour is entirely about his messed up psychology- it’s not because of you or anything that you do. Do your absolute best not to internalise his messed up thinking. Your dad has a dysfunctional mindset that was most probably moulded by his parents and the way they brought him up, and possibly by other life experiences he’s had to. That fact in no way excuses how he is behaving. What he’s doing is wrong - and no one has the right to verbally abuse you - no matter who they are or what they’ve been through.

It’s important that you do all you can to stop his screwed up behaviour damaging you. You can do this by having a deep understanding that this is not your fault - you could be a perfect daughter and he’d probably still treat you this way (in fact it might make him worse). He’s probably a deeply insecure man and abusing you makes him feel powerful (I think this was how it was for my dad). So you can either distance yourself from him mentally and emotionally by increasing your understanding of the psychology behind his behaviour, or you can physically distance yourself from him. It’s a matter of which strategy is going to work best for you. I know it’s not easy - I ended up still seeing my dad because I didn’t want to lose contact with my mum ( even though my relationship with her wasn’t very good either). 

I doubt your father will change. Countless times I tried to talk to my dad to try to make him see how much his behaviour hurt me in the hope that he’d change - but he never did. I even wrote him letter but he refused to read them. Ultimately your dad has deep psychological issues that are making this behaviour work for him on some level - and he is driven by that and is likely to keep being the same no matter what you say to him. So try to work out what is going to serve you best in terms of protecting yourself from his verbal abuse. But whatever you do: don’t think you deserve this, don’t let him crush your spirit and rob you of your self worth. He’s the one with the faults - and he’s inflicting them on you - and that makes him a terrible father. 

So sorry to hear that your situation with your father is so bad . Are you in a position to stop contact with him, as he sounds a very toxic individual?  My parents were always supportive, but struggled to understand mental health issues. 

ArchaeC said:

Does your Dad realise he is saying hurtful things? If not, can you tell him that what he is saying is making you feel worthless?

Yes he knows he’s hurting me but when I try and say that all I get is to “man up” and use that abuse as encouragement to “improve” for his sake of course not mine. Basically he never wanted kids and wanted me aborted, despite the fact he is super anti abortion, but I’m apparently the exception to the rule. As you say this isn’t good for me and of course it makes sense to cease contact and I am very willing to do so, I’ve tried in the past but my mum has always takes me out of it but I’ve just had it and this thing on holiday was the last straw and I can’t afford to be humiliated again. But he probably won’t accept I want to break contact and just thinks I’ll come crawling back to him. Well he can’t accept reality that’s his problem. I mean if I make one simple error like a spelling thing or I ask where something is he goes on about how thick I am and how I don’t know such simple things. 

I'm sorry you also had to break contact with your father as well! I hope you and your mum are doing better now! It must have been awful going through that and I hope I will get better from this soon too! I just want to feel and act like an adult now!

I think you’re right! I have been wanting to break contact for years now but my mum always talks me out of it. 

Damojo said:

I have to work hard to keep my mask in place. I find it all very stressful.

Tell me about it! I mean whenever it’s just me and him I have no choice but to mask everything! Like I’m not allowed to do what I want or say what I want, if I want to do something different I get shouted at. My nan was actually kind enough to give me £50 for me to spend whilst away but I wasn’t allowed to get anything I wanted as it was too expensive! He wouldn’t even allow me to chat to anyone in case someone asked me out. Also wasn’t allowed to wear jewellery or make up as it makes me look too adult! I’m approaching 26 yet I can’t feel or even look mature like an adult.

I can’t see any hope of change at all to be honest and I’ve never been close with him and the fact I can’t act like an adult is really demeaning but it’s like all the traumas and voices get so vivid when I try and make my own decisions it doesn’t feel right. I am away now but he doesn’t even care or think what he has done is wrong and I’m fed up of saying sorry for things he caused but if I don’t say sorry he will actually embarrass me in public so yeah. I don’t think he will care if I break contact I just hope my mum will accept that I want nothing to do with him now.