Feeling so hurt

Does your Dad realise he is saying hurtful things? If not, can you tell him that what he is saying is making you feel worthless?

if he is being cruel deliberately and continues to say hurtful things, it may be best to cease contact with him. It might be helpful to put yourself in control by telling him (verbally or in writing) that you are ceasing all contact as you don’t wish to hear any more of his harmful comments. It may be a difficult thing to do, but it means you call the shots, not him. 

Years ago, I had to stop all contact with my father as he was manipulative and subjected my mother and I to verbal abuse. It was tough at first, but ultimately it was the best decision. 

ArchaeC said:

Does your Dad realise he is saying hurtful things? If not, can you tell him that what he is saying is making you feel worthless?

Yes he knows he’s hurting me but when I try and say that all I get is to “man up” and use that abuse as encouragement to “improve” for his sake of course not mine. Basically he never wanted kids and wanted me aborted, despite the fact he is super anti abortion, but I’m apparently the exception to the rule. As you say this isn’t good for me and of course it makes sense to cease contact and I am very willing to do so, I’ve tried in the past but my mum has always takes me out of it but I’ve just had it and this thing on holiday was the last straw and I can’t afford to be humiliated again. But he probably won’t accept I want to break contact and just thinks I’ll come crawling back to him. Well he can’t accept reality that’s his problem. I mean if I make one simple error like a spelling thing or I ask where something is he goes on about how thick I am and how I don’t know such simple things. 

I'm sorry you also had to break contact with your father as well! I hope you and your mum are doing better now! It must have been awful going through that and I hope I will get better from this soon too! I just want to feel and act like an adult now!

I understand better now your situation. Some people try to belittle others in the way your father does because it gives them a false sense of superiority and righteousness. Pointing out your ‘mistakes’ and using bullying tactics can be a way of hiding low self esteem. That doesn’t help you right now, but it has helped me understand your situation which has many similarities to how mine used to be. 

I am in my 60s and my parents died years ago, but I can still hear my father’s comments in my ears. My father wanted a boy, but I came along instead. I just tell myself that those things were not my fault, but it has left its mark. Most of the time he doesn’t come into my mind so I can get on with my life. 

I hope that you can set some boundaries around what you consider to be acceptable behaviour from your father. You could consider giving him a ‘written warning’ of non-acceptable behaviour that would have the consequence of you stopping contact. That’s what I did with my father and it worked for a few months until he relapsed, at which point I stopped contact. 

I just wish people would just stop bullying in general  even if there are reasons, it’s not fair on the ones who haven’t even done anything! I’m still coping with all the shock and trauma and think I may be needing more emdr therapy again but it’s so hard to talk about it

I agree that there is never an excuse to bully someone. There may be reasons why somebody has that behaviour, but it is inexcusable. I wish you weren’t having to put up with this but I know the circumstances make it complicated. 

That’s some very good advice you have given there so thank you very much! I’m so sorry you have had to go through all this and are still suffering with the traumas and voices! I can completely understand that. I would be willing to write down my boundaries but knowing him he will just shun them off and again tell me to get a life and stop being such a baby! Despite the fact that’s how he sodding treats me! I have to watch and play certain things in secret because of this. 

Even if people have been bullied or badly treated in the past it’s no excuse to just start to bully random people like that! I wouldn’t go up to someone and bully them, especially if they were nice to me! 

That’s some very good advice you have given there so thank you very much! I’m so sorry you have had to go through all this and are still suffering with the traumas and voices! I can completely understand that. I would be willing to write down my boundaries but knowing him he will just shun them off and again tell me to get a life and stop being such a baby! Despite the fact that’s how he sodding treats me! I have to watch and play certain things in secret because of this. 

Even if people have been bullied or badly treated in the past it’s no excuse to just start to bully random people like that! I wouldn’t go up to someone and bully them, especially if they were nice to me! 

I just wish people would just stop bullying in general  even if there are reasons, it’s not fair on the ones who haven’t even done anything! I’m still coping with all the shock and trauma and think I may be needing more emdr therapy again but it’s so hard to talk about it

I agree that there is never an excuse to bully someone. There may be reasons why somebody has that behaviour, but it is inexcusable. I wish you weren’t having to put up with this but I know the circumstances make it complicated.